You held me tight....
Listened to me....
Listened to my ideas....
I listened to yours....
I told you secrets....
Things I don't tell everyone....
Things I don't tell anyone....
You told me some too...
You let me sleep....
When I was stressed....
Or when I was tired....
And you would lay with me....
You told me you love me....
But if you wanted to fuck me....
You could have just said so....
It would have worked....
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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100 microwaves
I love how then end shows how everything about the relation ship worked and why the things went the way they did it shows so much about a relationship with out saying very much of anything very well written
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I like this, good write! Every line ending in '...' was cool.
Keep it up! -
Cliche... with a twist
I liked the beginning as a cliche' Lucero sounding song. But the end made it somewhat funny... somewhat. I think you could have done it better without being so vulgar. -
Good
I like this poem. My favorite part I think, was where it says, but if you wanted to fuck me, you could have just said so, it would have worked. I think this pulls the whole poem together. It kinda shows how you can get so close to somebody, and make yourself so vulnerable, without being too sure of what it is they want. I can relate. -
this sounds more like a letter and the words at the last stanza sound like you devalue your self. its good that you felt needed by someone, but you should not be letting someone know that you would let them take advantage of your pride at your moment of weakness. it devalues the rest of the poem where it shows concern and appreciation.
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This poem gave me an image of a person who has a great deal of difficulty being touched. On whats' given, I didn't find the ending confusing unless I am confused in my analysis. The guy told her that he loved her, she can't handle love (perhaps off of some inappropriate situations in the past), and so she gets mad and accuses him of just wanting to stick it in her. Hey, why not? It's happened before.
On the merits your work struggles a bit. We get a semi-perfect picture of the facts surrounding the relationship, but none of details or emotions that make poetry so moving. Your poem is very mechanical. I suggest a rewrite with more feeling in mind (I suggest this even understanding the reality of the subject's coldness).
On the positive side, I very much enjoyed the contrasts that you set up (everyone/anyone, you could have just said so/it would have worked). These are not orgininal in concept, but are always origionally applied, and always appreciated.
I also enjoyed how subtle your work was. It was not over-bearing or pretenous. Both saturdate the genres and forms nowadays. It is nice to read something that doesn't make you feel like you got beat up or that you are going to have to beat someone up in the review. If nothing else, thanks for that.
Breakdown:
Image: 6.8/10
Emotion: 4.1/10
Rhyme and flow: 7/10
Cohesion: 9/10
Message: 9/10
Teen angst coefficent: -0.5
Overall: 7.1/10 -
Very interesting poem, funny how people don't ever say what they mean. Too bad so many people only want sex.
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a very well written poem, with a good flow, but i dont really understand the end. did the guy leave her, or something? plz tell me. but i love the poem anyway, i like the way you used ellipses ... on the end of each line.
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