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Don't Be Afraid To Breathe

Don't Be Afraid

To Breathe

 

Will you take

That extra step

With me 

 

I can show

You the world

Through my eyes

 

I can show

You my love

Never dies

 

If you would

To take my

Heart apart

 

A million souls

You would

Have thought

 

But you're afraid

I can see

 

The pain

Inside of you

I can free

 

You said

I'll think

On it

 

But I have

Waited to

Long

 

I need an

Anserw before

My heart goes

Wrong

 

You're afraid

I will leave

And go to

New York

For my

Masters Degree

 

And during that

Time you're afraid

Will break up

you see

 

But I will

Be back

To claim

 

What you are

To me

 

So Please

Don't Be Afraid To Breathe

And take that extra step with me 

 

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • sprack44
    February 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    A million souls
    You would
    Have thought


    HOTT!!

    But I have
    Waited to
    Long

    waited too long*

    I need an
    Anserw before

    answer*

    And during that
    Time you're afraid
    Will break up

    We'll*

    me likes


  • -Ink Artist-
    February 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Deep message you're sending with this piece. I must say that the grammar and spelling errors distract the reader. The lack of punctuation gives no proof of the pauses in your thoughts. Overall, the idea and the emotion are great but this piece needs an edit to give it the strength it needs to stand alone. Thanks for your entry and good luck!

    ~Lori


  • HerbalGoat
    February 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Gah! Ok, the message in your poem I truly liked, but you have so many grammatical and spelling errors it's not even funny. Your title is even wrong, with the spelling of "breathe".

    Breath, which is the way you have written it, is like taking a dead breath.. Breathe, the way you want to use it, is the action of taking that breath. Do you get it now, maybe? I don't mean to sound harsh here, but I want you to understand and improve.

    Your fifth stanza (in just a regular line here); "If you would to take my heart apart" is also incorrect. It would be best to revise it one of these two ways. 1. "If you would choose to take my heart apart" 2. "If you were to take my heart apart" Your following stanza also is incorrect: "A million souls you would have thought" I can't give you an decent way to revise this only because I don't know what it is you're trying to state.

    Check all your grammar and spelling. Answer is typed wrong and you keep using "your" incorrectly. "Your afraid..." is an example.. You're is the correct way.

    Please use spell check when writing poems. It's in the system for a reason. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck.


    • risewiththesmoke
      February 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      but i think the way the lines are structured makes it work, even if it doesn't make total grammatical sense... besides, poetic license... give the guy a break


  • jagchoir
    January 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Omg, I love this poem. ^^

1 - 5 of 5