Dry and tired:
so much, of a tune with a world
of weary complacencies;
half-followed wishes
and the dreary day-to-day.
Sensitive to every view, until -
- lost within the relativism of regret,
longing is no longer enough.
How then to rise like my minstrel Nick,
who does not believe in an
interventionist god -
but endures to sing of sorrow with
a just and merciful clarity.
So I scratch away at old scabs -
memories half-healed,
to see what truth weeps forth -
knowing I won't recognise it:
as I'd always failed to before.
Drowning is so cliché -
so I won't do that -
rather, I might dream of gorging myself -
to swallow -
every lie
every deception
every inch of aching loss.
Ironic - to imagine I could deceive
my self-deceptions.
They lie much better than I ever could.
So - perhaps instead -
I might borrow another well-sketched image,
and howl beneath a velvet moon
or reveal my hollow chambers - echoing silent
nothings, in a vainglorious immitation of -
something called art.
No. I think I'll just lay down
and sleep for a while.
A contest entry
- Ordinary World~ by Blkwidow77.
450 points, ended March 4, 2007, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)
Comments
-
Hello and welcome to my contest. Being that the contests are now 'blind' and I don't know who wrote them, I can no longer read people's poetry and note their progress from one contest to the next. Also, I will then need to use my disclaimer part of reviews, for those who have never recieved a review before, as I don't know if you're new or not. (unless I happen to recognize your style of writing and know who it is)
You're welcome to put your name in your author notes, if you're one of the ones that likes me to note your progress in your writing.
"The original disclaimer":
~I feel it necessary to tell people unaccustomed to me, a little something about my personality. And that is, I'm inclined to be bluntly honest. Not mean, just straight forward about the impressions your piece left me with and suggestions I might have. You are not obligated to change a thing. But it is always wise to at least take them into consideration.~
That being said, let's move onto your piece. First things first, you have a great voice in this. It is strong and sure of itself. It carries forward without the stutter of insecurity. I like that. It works.
I feel that you chose an open table, by which to display your words. I don't know if that's common place for your writing or not but you seem to have a good handle on munipulating the wording.
For the critical side, there are a few things I could offer. For one, you might want a line break or two in that large body of writing. I felt there were at least two places in it, where the words and meanings shifted a little and could have used that visual break.
The other thing was, in the last part, you had a beautiful stretch of lines, using image and metaphor to drive your point. I thought it was effective. But on the flip side, I thought it also exposed the fact that the top half was so bare of them. It leaves an imbalance.
In lieu of that that thought, I thought the perfect place to slip image would be in lines 23-35. Though that's just my opinion. Hope it helps. Either way, thanx for coming to play~ -
Intrinsic
An amazing and personal write you have there. I felt I could really relate and it had a distinct voice throughtout that was hard-hitting and poignant.
I loved it!
-
Thoughtful
This poem feels like it was hard to write... But the words are great and Describe things well and They seem to go together well, but I make up half the words I use in my poems so I can't really talk to you about that! Great Poem
Good Luck!
~AwesomeJoshsome~
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