You are the monsoon, the roaring sheet of rain,
And I am the blistered land, cracked from drought,
As you bombard me, flooding across the plains,
Stooped trees heal and stand stout.
Your laugh strikes me, like a lightning bolt through a tree,
Together with a smile that brings out the sun,
And yet, to all your spectacles, I must be
But a spectator, behind an iron curtain.
No matter how much I try to reach your treasures,
They flicker beyond my reach, always evading me.
Even if one day I obtain your chest of pleasures,
I know I will lack the key.
You shine so brightly, like a diamond in the afternoon hours,
And yet, I see you only through these prison bars.
Author notes
A poem in the sonnet form.
A contest entry
- I just want your personal best. by disparate.
900 points, ended February 20, 2007, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any comments at all would be great!
Comments
-
Just a few comments on this..
The line, "But a spectator, behind an iron curtain." when I read it, doesn't feel quite right, as though you're missing something, perhaps adding an extra syllable/word "behind a cold iron curtain" or anything really, it might help the flow.
And in the lines, "No matter how much I try to reach your treasures,
They flicker beyond my reach, always evading me."
Again, just an inssue of flow, perhaps get rid of "much in the first line, and "my" in the second, and I think that'd help a lot, but of course these are simply suggestions and I'm obviously being picky if I'm counting syllables.
Otherwise I greatly enjoyed this, the imagery was great, this is the only sonnet that was entered in this contest and it's been a while since I've read one, but this one was done quite well.
I love the rhyming couplet at the end, but unfortunately, bars and hours don't rhyme quite right and it doesn't fit quite right. It's perfect in its imperfection, I really have no suggestion for this as it would require a word/sentence change. But yes, otherwise very well done, well written and nice use of imagery.
Thanks for taking the time to enter and best of luck in the contest! I'm really sorry about the delay in commenting and judging.
Adding your comment:
