There's a bunch of boys standing in line
Dreaming of some kind of heroic glory,
And all the while you were wasting their time
As you told them the greatest soldier story.
How dare you implant in them your goals
And wash the logic from their brains?
How dare you ensnare their innocent souls
When within your heart are bloody stains?
Innocent boys stumble accross the line everyday,
The line between life and death.
And if you saw their eyes what would you say
Would you save them one last breath?
Sometimes I wonder if you even have a heart
To sent these boys' souls to the sky.
I wonder if you care when they are blown apart
Have you ever even asked yourself why?
They climb mountains of death and crawl the haunting plains.
Voices pound in their ears and in their heads.
They try escape the being that keeps them in chains
But what would you do if your best friend lay dead?
They ride the wind until they cannot return
Bullets tear furiously at their side,
They feel their bodies burn
The run but they cannot hide.
How can your conscience just not exist?
How can your heart be so evil inside?
How many dreams have you missed
And how many times has your heart lain down and died?
Do you not care of the lives you shall kill
And the dreams you have destroyed?
Do you not care of the lives you take at your will
And of the souls that you have employed?
There are so many things that are not right
So many innocent people that die.
I just cant seem to understand it
And I weep every time I ask God "Why?".
A contest entry
- Give Me Your Personal Best #4 (Prewrites Allowed) by aGent Lemon.
360 points, ended March 26, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What's your opinion on.. by Defective Soul.
400 points, ended April 13, 2007, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Very Best #2 (pre-writes allowed) by Dark Whispers.
415 points, ended April 18, 2007, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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This is a really powerful poem.
The metaphor of the "line" is a compelling analogy of the proximity between life and death in wartime. I think that stanza is lovely, as is, the fifth, seventh and eighth stanzas;
"They ride the wind until they cannot return
Bullets tear furiously at their side,
They feel their bodies burn
The run but they cannot hide." - (Slight typo in this line should "the" be "they"?)
I love how the lines shorten here, conveying a sense of curtailed life, cut off in the arbitrary way of warfare.
I don't want to criticise this poem, because I really like it, and I think that although army soldiers sign up to fight, they do not determine what countries they invade. Thus, I felt this poem provided an important reminder to the world of civilians, (we who can hold our governments to account), of the harsh realities that warfare holds - warfare which ultimately governments, not soldiers create.
But my criticism is the tone of the 2nd, 4th, 10th, and 11th stanzas. I like the moral message pervading throughout, but perhaps I'm guessing I like it, because i agree with it. With that in mind I think you need to be careful about how assertively, openly, and angrily you give voice to your moral message. Phrases such as "how dare", and condemnatory accusations such as "How can your conscience just not exist?", serve only to antagonise a reader.
I think contentious messages are much better received by those un-sympathetic to their words, if they are laced in a subtle tone and style, disguising their obvious underlying moral sentiments. The danger of openly expressing moral messages angrily is to switch off those who don't want to hear them, (and ironically, often those most in need of hearing them!) And in regards to the quality of your poetry that would be a terrible shame.
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Good poem
Good poetry as alway Vanessa Reen but,the title should be something else. You don't like wars either huh?
"BOO"
Good to see you.
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although the arrogance the title of this poemhols it really is a great soldier story. and at times the flow of your poem was steady. great write.
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Very intense. It gave me the chills!... that or its cold here :|. Anyways, it's really a wonderful piece. I LOVE the end. It's just so deep. Keep it up and thanx for entering.
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Thank you very much for entering this contest. I may add much more of a comment later on since there are so many other submissions.
You may want to keep in mind that I will try to open more of the same contests one after another if I can earn enough feedback to do so which I must say would be truly appreciated. Altogether, I hope this will also give everybody a glimpse at one of you're favorite accomplishments which hopefully in turn inspire them to look at what else you've got. -
Amazing Write
Wonderfully written write,such strong emotions and a very strong message in your words.Pictures of soldiers entered my mind as I read this.I have family that are soldiers also.I think everyone asks the same questions and wonder the same things.But we have free will in the world,and not everyone obeys God.
Blessings
~Cheryl~
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very sentimental
great write. this covers all soldiers from Revolutionary war to present day. all soldier from Rome to America. As a reenactor... I can relate to the words that were spoken and the boys in lines. great write through and through. -
this is such a beautifully written poem. a very strong write with a ver strong messege. the first stanza esspecially. it pulled me in kinda...very good. keep up the good work.
-perplexed-
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There will always be bad guys
currently Iran, Syria, and to my mind, Palestine. On the first day that Israel was a country in 1948, Egypt and a host of other countries attacked her and got their asses handed to them. Thank God for Israeli soldiers willing to protect their homeland! Israel probably doesn't have the luxury of an all volunteer force. Don't ask God why innocent men have to die, ask the Hitlers, Stalins, Pol Pots, Mao Tse Tungs, Saddams, etc. why innocent men have to die.
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Just a thought! I was in our military for 26 years. Have you ever thought that to the people we are fighting "WE ARE THE BAD GUYS"
"BOO"
It's bout the money!
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Loved every stanza of this. Actually loved the 3rd and the 10th most overall. Loved the way you can be so descriptive and overpowering that way and then you let the reader down subtly enough, and then, well let's just say it. Mastery!!!!
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This is a well-written piece, and you've done a great job of expressing your views. The flow breaks up a little in some spots, but it really doesn't take away from the content. I agree with some of the other comments that this is a little one-sided, but there's nothing wrong with that when expressing your opinion. And, I agree with you that sometimes the stories of war glories are slightly inappropriate. Regardless of anyone's personal opinions on the issue, this is a very good poem, and I applaud you for writing about something so controversial.
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To join and do their duty is the right of every free man and will, but the power that lays at the throne is one who commands them to do whaqt their heart knows is wrong, it is they that have the blood upon their sleeve.
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I have just been replying to some comments as i feel some of you had the wrong idea. I wrote this in Israel in 1995 and at that time men and women had to go to army. It was written at a time when many of these soldiers, men and women, had lost good friends and family.
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this poem is well written and it reflects the harsh reality of war. There is just one thing that has really not been considered in this poem. The soldiers joined the military on their own free will and took an oath to serve this country. They were aware when they took that oath that they could be sent to war and risk their lives. These soldiers are not sent to war against their will. Those who are in the Military today have not been drafted, and there is a difference. Many of them feel this war is worth dying for. This poem is well crafted and heartfelt.
Peace
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Thanks for your comment, it is appreciated but I wrote this poem in 1995 in Israel. At that time all men had to join for 3 years and all women for 1 and a half years. I do not know what it is now. I just saw the crying and the utter heartfelt cries of their fellow soldiers, men and women.
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An incredible poem that paints vividly yje questions you raise and has great imagery, poetic brilliance and is a wonderful accomplishment. I think some more work on it will improve it even more and also make it flow a little easier, but I am in no way criticising your work. I will add you to my favourites list as I would like to see more of your work.
Warmest regards,
Barry
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