beneath
mundanity, lack of spontaneity
grooves pressed into
asphalt of the daily
beneath
loss of dreams, stampeding
just beyond reach
turned earth and how I wished
barefooted
into the dark of night
so far beneath
frowns, etched lines
traveled from
lips, sunk between
eyes into the furrows
of solicitude
I found my smile,
curl that crooks
too soon at one side,
crinkled flesh
and the belly laughs
that ache
my sides into stabs
of happy.
Author notes
Finding a Smile
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2468631
a revision of an older piece (but not that old)... if you have the time and inclination, could someone please let me know which they think is the better piece?
which sounds better?
Comments
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Yes, I know you're overdue for a review. Give me a moment to rein my thoughts in.
Well, first off, I liked to see the old and the new. What time and distance does to one's thoughts and initial impressions of something. In this case, a smile. You seem to be more capable of exploring the light realm of subject for poem, so this is something I'm only a bi-stander to.
In reading both though, is that my verdict honestly is that I see this as the better of the two.
Why?
Simple. This is more poetic. The other one seems to be unpolished. I know you had taken on a heavy handed goal of writing one piece per day, and that you were quite drained at this point, but your words were luke warm.
Where here, you've economized and organized your words. To me, the form as well as the the words themselves, show a collected view. Where the other felt scattered, here I felt that you started and continued down the same line. I didn't guess where you were going with this one, I knew and followed your words easily.
Am I making sense? I don't know. I know what I mean. But lately, I suck for saying it in obvious terms. I seem convuluted, my points anyhow. Making me wonder if I should bother to say anything at all.
My point was/is, that while I liked this first, this one far more appeals to me as 'good' poetry. But then again, I often love the result of poems you've revised. They always seem so much more poignant after you've toyed with them. Like icing on a cake pulled from the oven still warm. -
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Thank you.
Yeah, I like this version better, myself. For the same reason. The other one seemed so... blah(ish).
Though... I think stabs of happy might work better than stabs of happiness. Eh... hell if I know. I know I need to take a shower and get ready for a blow up when adam gets home.
Life. I can't wait for it to be over. -
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Yes, I agree that 'stabs of happy' is better stated.
And for you end proclamation, I second that.
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Cool like vinyl - you are dating yourself - that's OK - shows character. Records of the past... fixed, some short with a big hole in the middle. Like how it starts to run a little slower than 33 1/3, like the calibration marks on the side of an audiofile turntable. You see them moving a little to the left - like your smile, starts on the right side as acceptance creeps in. Better than the left side of sarcasm - or would that be confusion - try it.
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This one is much better, although my only gripe is that I love the last stanza so much, I liked it better when it was at the begining of the poem.
"Barefooted" is cumbersome to me. Is there some reason you didn't just say "barefoot?" The imagery in that stanza is fantastic, though.
This is a very good poem.
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thank you
You may be right about barefooted... I'll have to mull over that one...
As for the last/first stanza issue: I think the last stanza could be transplanted to the beginning without much problem. I'll have to sleep on it and see what I think about it in the morning when I can think correctly.
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I like them both but I love the way this one reads aloud, it almost has this beat feel to it while still preserving the emotion. So I vote this one.
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thank you.
I think the 'read outloud' aspect of this one is what makes me prefer it, also. To me, the first seems so flat sounded... though, it is quite possible it's just my mood recently.
perhaps I'll keep trying until I have a mixture of the two... or just quit with this one.
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i like the first one better, this one is good too, but the other one is smoother. -shrug- i don't know a thing though.
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It seems to be the more popular of the two... sadly, though, I don't like the first one. I don't know... maybe it is just me.
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I think I preferred the previous version. This one only really works for me after the last 'beneath'; however, the phrasing of the final stanza of this one is very good, so you should keep that.
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don't like these colours.
will comment when i wake up in the morning.. or on saturday k..
xxx-xxx
hehe0 i'm so useful.. 'don't like the colours''.. grumps off.. .
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