Lisa said,
that the girl in the marsh
had been taken
to the mountain of the goat
where the dragon dwelled
at the feet of the king.
the fan twirled
made a hum
in the jade court
where columns
held the sky up
and the pools reflected night
though no shadows grew,
the eye disapproves,
what of fate’s rage,
Lisa asks,
love’s failure,
there is the flash of red,
and wind in silk
the mists sigh
the stars in the pool shudder.
Author notes
fin/January 23, 2007, 10:53 PM
In a list
A contest entry
- No Black Pits of Blackness II: A contest stolen without permission by cvillelisa.
800 points, ended February 9, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Hmmm. Interesting fantasy imagery.
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Strikes me as Not Bad - Let Her/Him Rip.
Wow ! Nude descending a staircase.
Good opening stanza. Largely for the euphony of the words and the crisp images of each line. Perhaps also the 'standard procedure' (girl, dragon, etc), but with the immediacy of a personal name (Lisa).
? The Ruby of Eye ? - I stop to think, more if not this be a mistake than a fine poetic twist. (A note might let me know it is "sic"). Admittedly, the "rage" of the next line carries the 'ruby' concept along.
So far ... a love poem? jade court, columns holding up the sky. But the introduction of 'night' and 'no shadows' .. treading into cliche here. A harder simile or allusion might be more worthy, perhaps along the lines of the 'jade' (eg. lapis lazuli with no streaks of gold'?)
Stanza 4 : excrable, IMHO. Clee-shay, darling.
Last Stanza: nice dramatic twist to edge the end.
Overall, a tighter set of images, or febrile (sic - and I don't have time to check it's meaning) tendrils of not too many - night really can be a cliche, and the dragon of stnza one, let alone the goat played zero part beyond setting a tone, which perhaps the unusual use of 'ruby of eye' in stanza 2 could have lead to a Precious Jewel based set of images - slave's rags vs silk ?? though I don't mind the 'wind in' bit - that would lead the enraptured reader's mind down to a midnight pool where they'd find the sparkle of their eyes reflect, so long as the starlight they could detect bounced not upon the blind spot of their retinas.
Still, not bad. Clap, clap.
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reminds me of something a minstrel would sing.
I like the poem, butlose the background color. -
Sorry, but I haven't got a ferkin clue what you're on about!
R. -
vivid
I could feel myself moving through this sensious poem. Rich and mysterous. It reminds my of a poem by Wallis Stevens -
Oh no, it's a black pit of black blackness! the scrambled shards of duchamps' nude descending the staircase can just be made out, rearranged yes, but still...
some very dodgy punctuation in this one, creative use of the comma, etc, me just ignore. english not geraldo's native langwidge. or is it?
i know it far away but i notice scar rime wit star. dat make dis a pome, rite?
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I want to go to the Chicago Art Museum. Is it death defying? I bet it is. Punkshewation is mostly for pussies.
I guess this is a poem. So it should be considered in the judging of this contest. I shall consider it.
Thank you so much for entering. Your flow here is really great. I enjoy the word choices you made and really think you should just keep on penning. Also, God bless you and all that. I'm trying to get at least 8 points here. You think I made it yet?
the fan twirled
made a hum
in the jade court
where columns
held the sky up
and the pools reflected night
though no shadows grew,
the ruby of eye disapproves,
what of fate’s rage,
Lisa asks,
love’s failure,
that's my favorite part. Reminds me a bit of a painting I saw by one of those very romantic painters where the columns had ivy on top but there was hardly any building left. Oh! I probably like it cause it has Lisa in there. But lets not really talk about that, here. Cause then people will think that you favored or something. Actually, I'm not judging this, Ed is. Well and I gotta get in touch with Lyra. Worm's cat.
Okies. Hey. This good poem. We all talking Lute here, noticed dat?
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Lovely Lovely
Draws to mind for me
(tortured mind at that)
the Beijing Opera production of "The Monkey King Invades Heaven"
Sprightly muses must question the authority of what is with what should be
superb adult fairy/tale parable
mystical
and the constant magic of your craft
as always in awe
Peace.
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