~* Bubbled Security *~

File cabinet drawers ejected,

logical thought lost;

scattered

among whirl winded debre

of days gone by

Vanilla folders,

stamped ~

restricted access,

conceal truths;

answers to solve

mystery of self.

Mental doors open,

yesterday's me

revealed;

hideous flashes

expose abused innocence

Self growth

hindered

by verbal lashes cast

from peers' tongues

like salt to wounds

Depth of lacerations

evident,

beneath scars torn away;

one more slice

another layer deep

An imitation shield,

stone face stands guard;

fragile esteem cradled

in shadowed loneliness,

a bubble ~

false security

In a list

Please tell me what you think

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
Blkwidow77
February 6, 2007

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Hello and welcome to my contest. Being that the contests are now 'blind' and I don't know who wrote them, I can no longer read people's poetry and note their progress from one contest to the next. Also, I will then need to use my disclaimer part of reviews, for those who have never recieved a review before, as I don't know if you're new or not. (unless I happen to recognize your style of writing and know who it is)

You're welcome to put your name in your author notes, if you're one of the ones that likes me to note your progress in your writing.

"The original disclaimer":

~I feel it necessary to tell people unaccustomed to me, a little something about my personality. And that is, I'm inclined to be bluntly honest. Not mean, just straight forward about the impressions your piece left me with and suggestions I might have. You are not obligated to change a thing. But it is always wise to at least take them into consideration.~

That being said, let's move onto your piece. The form and metered pacing works in this piece. I found that it kept the push of flow on your readers from line to line. The language in it was consistent, not bouncing from complex words to simple ones, or the reverse.

On the constructive criticism side, one of the things that I could tell you, is that I found your first two stanzas to have images that weren't so common place. So they were a good start into your poem. However, after that, I found that the subsequent stanzas feel more on images that get used a lot and I just didn't feel that they were as strong as your beginning two.

You might wish to consider using more 'unusual' images for the other stanzas. Something out of the ordinary to make your readers think and therefore remember your poem. Just a thought. Either way, thanx for coming to play~
Abdul T Alishtari
January 31, 2007

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The total 100% truth and then some
There are several truths
what we deny, lie
what we wish, sooth
all leading to cries.

Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari
WolfHeart
January 23, 2007
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Whew - this rocks
Stark and bitter and so understood by a fellow traveler on the abuse path. It is somber and done in such a way that the reader longs to reach out and fix the poet. I can't fix you, but I can love and respect you. Great work.

hugs, Wolfie
Blazing White Wolf
January 23, 2007

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lurking in the shadows yawning like a cat woken up ffrom slumber without cause ok to the poem lots of haunting images and very deep a past buried in falsities of self illusion stone face lies well done My lioness

love,
Master
Moons Lunar Angel
January 23, 2007

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Woah this is really deep ! It hit me in a place I cannot describe, the picture fits so well with this piece and is quite disturbing too. This just leaves me speechless. There are a few things that enter my mind but perhaps I'll leave that for personal discussion.
Well done mumma!
Remember there's always someone who cares
Love you,
Lil