Life unchanged
In the dark
No help at all
Nobody cares
Nobody wants to do anything
I cry for help
But nobody hears
My life wastes away
I go to the bridge
Put a rope around my neck
And jump
My life is no more
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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3 claps...9pts
A reward from The Poetic Bandits reading list
~Lilac~
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This doesn't say it is a personal write so I presume it's your muse, but I could be wrong and it is the way you are feeling but I sincerely hope not
This interesting piece comes across as melodramatic, which makes it fascinating, but I feel it is unfinished, because you need to get some real emotion running through it, as it is, it reads like a statement...you have to get the reader to at least feel some sympathy...these are just my thoughts
Overall I found this to be of a dark and sad theme which has the basis of a clever poem to build up on and the title is good because it draws the reader in
Love and smiles
~Lilac
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Thanks Lilac. I wrote this out of boredom in my 2nd hour class. It's not how I feel, but I guess it came out right. You said it seems unfinished, but I don't know what to do to make it seem finished and emotional.
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Oh dear...I do pray...
this is just your Muse writing and nothing more!
For I find this so tragically sad...
There is so much beauty in life...and LOVE...there is so much love all around you...IF only you will allow yourself to see and feel it...IF ONLY...it is there I promise you!!! Love is all around you!
Walk toward the light of Him...
Blessings! Tammy
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No, it's not personal. It was written out of boredom. I don't exactly "believe" in love other than loving Him and everybody as my brothers and sisters. Other than that, no.
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Sad
That was sad! Gone in a matter of brief moments. Life can be short, really unxpected of the worst kind when we give way to our thinkings, especially when we're sinking at out lowest level. Hope this is just a poem and nothing more -
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It's just a poem. Don't worry, but I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reading it.
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Hm...I went back to your author page - it doesn't look like you've posted alot yet and as I read the comments from other readers it appears they felt something I didn't. I think your comment about seeing the category of suicide and deciding to just write something and this is the first you've written about it explains this piece very well. I'm glad you wrote that. The first line and the line, "my life wastes away," are your best lines. I think to make this more effective, that is, if you're wanting to edit this work, if you're not, then dismiss my comment entirely. i think not seeing help, no one hearing your cry or dismissal of your cries for help would be more effective. And, if the bridge is high enough or the water swift, no rope is necessary. And it may make it more interesting to leave it at "I got to the bridge." That would leave an air of mystery but the title speaks the last sentence for you. An honest attempt at writing a new subject. For that, I applaud you.
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This is shiort true. It is so final though. I don't think that nobody cares. That is pretty general. I do know what you mean though.
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I think you meant 'my life wastes away' not 'waists' . . . apart from that, this piece is short and to the point, which, in regards to the subject matter, works extremely well. I like the different length stanzas and the fact that your words aren't restricted by form . . . and having the last line separated is very effective.
Stay smiling and keep writing
Polly -
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I fixed it, thanks.
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the pain is so deep, no time for love to intervene...
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This is very short, but shocking as a result, there's such a terrible bluntness to your words in this. Good job.
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Thanks.
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Strong short piece. Very saddening but that happens with such a topic. You expressed hopelessness in a minimum amount of words without diminishing the impact of the message. I love your title, perfect for the piece.
~Lori
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Thanks. I'm glad you like it.
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Nice title. A very good dark write. Good imagery, flow and tone. Deep expression of emotion. Intense. Nice descriptives. A sad lament and tragic end in this piece.
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I lobve the minimalist(?) style you used in this poem... it fits the content very well...
Keep on writing!
Annie
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So dark and deep and sad the words you have used to pen these lines . Such a tragic ending to this poem -
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Very sad! You have done a really fine job here with this dark poem. It has good flow and deep expression. It is not a place I'd ever want to be. Well Done!
Peace
Debbera -
Not a good place to be. At all. Apart from the one typo already pointed out, this is great. Powerful, and in so few words!
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I've been here before no place for anyone to sit great title the words flow with ease and give image overall real nice writing ( one thing I think waists should be waste ) I'm not the best at grammer so you might want to ask someone which is correct...
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