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My Life Was A Lie

He never stopped to tell the truth,
He never seemed to care.
I almost believed him once,
It left me scared.
He said she hurt me,
He said SHE lied.
What was I supposed to do?
He left me with tears in my eyes.

I used to lie when I was scared,
And didn't know what to do.
But then they stopped believing me,
And knocked my life askew.
I used to miss my old life,
Even though it was a lie.
My father didn't seem to tell the truth,
Though it now seemed,
Neither could I.

 

My mother never tries to lie,

But I feel she does.

She doesn't want me to be sad,

'Cause that's the way it was.

Everyone she met,

Never had a clue.

They never seemed to notice,

The lies they seemed to spew.

 

Most of my lifes been a lie,

That's one thing I know.

It changing a little now,

It's not that much better though.

My father lied,

My sister cried,

But will I ever see,

If my life hadn't been such a lie,

How much different would I be?

Author notes

How is it? I had a pretty even rhyming scheme until that last part there... ~*~Lost in the lies~*~ #2. Another contest piece. Critical comments would be appreciated, because I want to know if this one is ok...

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21
  • Kirjava
    July 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A powerful write, I liked it. It's simple but not necessarily bad for that - if you're looking for a way to develop your writing, perhaps you could return to this topic again as you evidently feel very strongly about it, and try to use a different style or lexis? Just a thought.

    Anyway, a great write and believe me, you are the best possible person you could have turned out to be. Your life has shaped you perfectly, don't ever think otherwise.

    xX Kir Xx


  • agalford7053
    May 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Touching

    I personally know how it feels to have a not so good past shape your future. I have experienced it personally. For the most part the rhyming sheme fits but there are weak spots.
    "I almost believed him once,
    It left me scared."

    I think that it would flow better if you added a word after me and before scared. Maybe something like this... It left me a little scared?

    My mother never tries to lie,

    But I feel she does.

    She doesn't want me to be sad,

    'Cause that's the way it was.

    Everyone she met,

    Never had a clue.

    They never seemed to notice,

    The lies they seemed to spew.
    This part seems to be a little forced rhymed. Like you couldn't find some words that fit perfectly. But its really not that noticable.

    My favorite part of this poem was the last part...


    If my life hadn't been such a lie,

    How much different would I be?

    This part contains imagry, feelings, diction and much more! It's so true! Your past DOES shape you future. It's kinda up to you how it turns out though.

    Great job!
    God Bless
    Ashley



  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    May 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very well done nice job good luck in the contest


  • XHollowXEyesX
    March 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is a truly touching write. I can relate to this more ways than I would like to.
    I believe that not rhyming the last two lines made more of an impact.
    thanks for entering


  • She burns
    February 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Just so painful and deep, the tears and the memories of past, killings us all the time, making us down...
    Sometimes we like this too, thoughts and feelings...
    Our own heart, sometimes it drowns us

    How many people can relate to this too
    So many of them

    I hope you're feeling well there,
    antonio


  • katz
    February 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Good Job

    This is a good write. I really like the way you ended it.

    But will I ever see,
    If my life hadn't been such a lie,
    How much different would I be?

    I think we all have this question whether it was a lie or a trauma or whatever. We all wonder what our lives would have been like if that didn't happen.

    Great write!


    • CrystalJet
      February 12, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for your nice comment. I have to admit my favorite part is that last part as well. Thanks for the applause!


  • Giggles01
    February 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    very good

    this poem reminds me of my life!! my life is nothing but one big lie. i no how you feel.

  • PalmettoSky
    February 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love and adore this poem, and I think many if not all the readers before agree that this is a very beautiful and well written and a well crafted poem. I like the rhyme and I love the alliteration. This is simply spectacular. I applaud you and I salute you for it. This poem has great imagery, so much description and details. Its incredibly good. you have terrific potential. Peace to you always.


  • RT michaels
    February 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very dark and somewhat romantic. You express the image and message of the poem so well that its hard to find anything wrong with your poem. It is a little rough in a few spots, however, but that can be simply overlooked for the wonderful thoughts that you produce for the work itself. Thank you very much for you entry.

    • CrystalJet
      February 12, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your nice comment. Just curious, what were the rough spots in the poem, I would like to see if I could improve them to make the poem better.


  • CrystalJet
    February 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you everybody for your nice comments! I'm happy you all like it. ^^


  • Dlvvanzor
    February 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Great job! Very thoughtful and sad. Overall, a very good write.

    Good luck in the contest,
    -Dlvvanzor


  • JuggaletteGoddess420
    February 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    I know

    I know exactly what its like for my lifes like that too great job on it!


  • teenagefailure
    January 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is really good,
    I really like the, well i guess the messege its sending... Good job
    Good luck in the contest
    E~R~I~N


  • Exodus gold member
    January 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Hmm while this is an interesting piece of poetry with an unique concept behind it, I did specifically state that this contest was to have no rhyme so I will have to DQ it. But if you have another dark piece in free form I would be interested in reading it.


  • Lady-Pegasus
    January 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow, deeply dark message perhaps with an unspoken hint of something deeper? do i sense an issue with your dad? Assuming of course this comes from real life. Well done and fairly good flow, just a tad bumpy in very small place


  • Sokarjo
    January 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Pretty good. It flowed pretty well, even if your rhyming scheme changed a lil. There's no rulebook, so don't worry about it. Good luck in the contest!

  • hurtgurl
    January 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i think this is truly one of the better pieces i have read NICE JOB!!


  • the Eye of Truth
    January 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like this, and it does fits under option 2, I like the concept, It confused me for a bit, but once I read it carefully, I think I got it....It's about your father lying, please correct me if i'm wrong, but that's what i got out of this, and it can hurt bady, I hope this all gets better, I do like the rhyming, though i see it off a bit here and there, but overall it was a very nicely written piece, i like the long stanzas...my favorite part was:

    My father lied,
    My sister cried,
    But will I ever see,
    If my life hadn't been such a lie,
    How much different would I be?

    Good luck

    ¤BLONDIE¤


    • CrystalJet
      January 23, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. I noticed I kinda didn't follow the rhyming scheme a couple of times, but It still sounded pretty good. I'm glad you liked it!

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