Watch That Last Steppe!

    Dear Mr. Reaper;

I’ve read a great deal of you in the news of late,
I must admit that I’m a fan
You’re so precise in every single job you do,
You always have a plan.

Well that got me to thinking one day, at work,
If you might come visit me,
We could have a little chat, discuss your plans,
Perhaps sit down to tea.

Well that left me with a small dilemma Death,
It was how to invite you down,
For plainly you’re a very busy fellow,
With engagements all over town.

But at last it came to me, I had my plan at last;
You wouldn’t get a choice,
I would force you over here, I’d kill myself
What a cause to rejoice!

Surely you must attend my little party then,
You simply could not refuse
It was plainly the only way I could draw out
Such a stubborn recluse!

Well then, I had to decide how to go about it,
This, my suicide,
How to make myself appropriate, I wandered,
As your new and blushing bride.

Well then, I composed a short list of thoughts,
Do tell me what you think,
I’m having a bit of trouble with it you see,
Because my ideas, they stink.

Well first I considered drinking some poison,
That methods rather clean
Well though, I really had to reconsider, you see,
I hate the taste of chlorine.

Well over my next Idea, you’ll really laugh,
It would be worthy of Johnny Depp!
I’d climb to the top of a mountain and jump,
Timber! Watch that last Steppe!

Well in the end, I had to reconsider, you see,
I’m really quite lazy,
And anyone who would go to that length to die,
Well, clearly they are crazy.

Wait, Maybe I could slit my throat, I thought.
Nah, it’s a pain in the neck
On top of that minor disadvantage though,
The maid would give me heck.

Well maybe I could have fun, leap from a plane,
Forget my Parachute!
Nah, not nearly original enough for me,
And a killer on the hairdo to boot!

Well then Death, I thought to myself at last,
Maybe death by carbon monoxide?
Then I realized that wasn’t for me either,
A boring way to commit suicide.

Well maybe I could drive into the river,
With all my car doors shut…
Then though, who wants to go to their funeral
Looking like Jabba the Hutt?

Well then, maybe I could set myself on fire,
I hear that’s a real treat!
Nah, I thought, though it isn’t so much the pain,
Rather, I simply can’t stand the heat!

I could throw myself on the train tracks,
Nah, that’s a drag!
I could let myself smother slowly, except…
Well… I’d look tacky in a bag!

Well what if I threw myself in the lion’s den?
Nah, I have allergies,
Its not that I don’t mind blowing my nose, but,
Would you want to greet Death with a sneeze?

Besides, I’ve seen those shows on discovery,
I’ve seen those lion fights!
Well Death, it isn’t that I’m picky you see,
But suicide really bites!

So you see, I can find only once solution, Death,
I’ll simply have to die of old age,
And… well, not that I’m into fashion or anything,
But I hear its all the rage.

They’ve pills to help you on your way
To social security
And hey, I’m a patient person, I’ll wait,
I can practice making tea!

And I don’t mind assembling puzzles,
Though they drive me nuts,
And besides, I’d look good in old age,
With wrinkles and a big butt.

I’ll be much more (excuse my French) lively, Mr. Death,
(I know you don’t like that word well)
If I have a bit more time to compose myself here,
Why just think of the stories I’ll tell!

So you see, in the end, its really better if I wait,
I’m not quite ready for you yet.
Why Death, you’d be disappointed anyways,
I don’t even own a tea set!

So Death, you can cancel your visit I guess,
For I simply can’t make the date,
For come to think of it, after all this, I realize,
It is fashionable to be late!

Well Death, I’m sorry for wasting your time
But clearly suicide isn’t for me,
But rest easy, Death, don’t get excited, for after all,
You’ll see me eventually.

      Sincerely Yours,
                            Fashionably Late.