/Cobwebs and Dust, Cobwebs and Dust/
/I Hate to Leave You, But Leave You I Must/
This is the place
Where Gregor Mendel failed his botany test
Where store bought honesty
Meets hand-me-down success
And where super heroes arrive
In various states of undress.
Today I'll set out
To dull yesterday's pain;
It is the day of judgment,
And I'm staring out past the window panes.
/There is a world out there/
The seas know not how to part before me.
I am no moses,
I know not how to part the seas that stand before me.
These days there is little left to do.
(And all the time in the world to do it)
No single divergent road
Seems too far flung
To solve the glue that here binds me.
I am bound as thread not yet woven
I am naked as a sword safely sheathed
Mocked am I by autumn leaves
Who know nothing of the hue they've chosen
I am seen no more clearly
Than a mountain top encased in cloudy breeze.
Strange faces come out of the rain.
(This window is my pedestal of shame)
Noon time traffic
Caroms across the pavement,
Sunday's long lost
Though it isn't even half spent;
What does it mean
To regret? To Repent?
Roll the dice, Play love
It's the neo-Red Scare.
If only I had world enough and time,
Time and piece enough of mind,
To share in this eclipse...
The world is /not/ enough.
I am gazing at a garden full of bricks;
This is twilight twice eviscerated,
This place is sunlight;
I am a rock;
Humid sunlight;
I am an island;
This is night, day
This is penance and penitence.
In due time myself and I
Will look back over one shoulder
And say
"I set off without ever knowing my way"
Author notes
The epigraph is from Gordon Lightfoot's "Cobwebs Dust"
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I thought this pretty intersting and pretty well written. Message me if you want your score, make sure to include the name of your poem. Thanks for entering.
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Your affirmation of existence as a world outside a window is a notable insight. Stunning perception.
"No single divergent road
Seems too far flung
To solve the glue that here binds me.
I am bound as thread not yet woven"
I think, at its core this poem has a lot of meaning, a lot of truth but really fails to expand on it. Sometimes it is so tangential and divergent (and I realize you may do this intentionally) that its hard to follow.
(The window is my pedestal of shame)
Do I know what this is about?
love as the neo-red scare may allude to something..
Again theres the sunlight image in this poem. I'd say your last four poems or so are kind of themed. Kinda like nasrallah, fus and that sir is a goose.
Regret is a word I rarely associate with you, but I see traces. If not then a realization of a mistake and acknowledgement of naivety
Your Background is perfect.
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This is very much "Prufrock" in its structure and countless allusions.
Window has its high points and its lows.
I didn't very much like the mindless imagery. At times it made me laugh,
"Where super heroes arrive/in various states of undress"
"Pane" and "pains" really is a cheap rhyme.
And the rhyme scheme that begins the poem dissapears in the latter parts.
"Mocked am I by autumn leaves"-- poor wording. You're not master yoda, nor an english romantic. Stop trying to be wordy and say what you mean!
Same with "The seas know not how to part before me...I know not how to part the seas that stand before me"
(The window is my pedestal of shame)
I did like this bit.
Its hard to express my thoughts this piece, it seems like youre trying too hard to be what your not. Sometimes eloquent, sometimes random and beat-like to the extent where much of it is fruitless and your message is lost.
I do love the return to one shoulder and the air of reminiscence the poem creates.
To me, the entire last stanza is microcosmic of the piece itself. -
df knows what she is talking about.
I can't believe I saw this page before, but only mentioned Arthur Rimbaud. You're 18? This is really quite good. You have an intelligent, intriguing writer's voice. None of your lines are predictable, and when you rhyme it doesn't distract my attention from what you're saying ... which is interesting anyway. Furthermore, I like the way that you don't rhyme with a set scheme, but rather simply according to where it fits into the beat.
You should remove that self-deprecating B.S. from your author page, because you definitely have plenty of talent. That was a more interesting read than I've had elsewhere today. I just can't believe all I talked about was Rimbaud. I must not have actually read this.
By the way, if you want to know how rare it is to receive three cheers from df, take a look at her comments thread; it's extremely short, considering how long she's been here. More often than not, she reads and doesn't comment at all. That's because she's not full of shit.
I'd like to think I'm not, either, but I don't have a lot to pick at here. In my opinion, you should think about editing the lines where you rhymed "before me" with itself, and the lines where you rhymed "pain" with "panes." Same-word end-rhyme is always going to stick out.
That said, I read this, and it occurred to me that it might be possible to come up with something really interesting in a poem by breaking that convention on purpose in specific places.
So that's me thinking out loud. I'm not sure I can even remember another time when an interesting concept hit me because I read someone else. Thanks for the cool idea. Usually I just make stuff up.
It's really annoying when people say this, so I'll say it in a non-standard way: If you quit writing, I might have to get Medieval on your ass.
Very well done.
~Morgan
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Hello seria89,
I just finished reading numerous poems on this site and was very happy to chance upon yours. The associations and digressions in your work are well beyond your age group. It is a sign of poetic maturity to be able to relate facets of life in different ways. I think you are well on your way.
I do hope you are reading Arthur Rimbaud.
df
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