He brought down the sun and burnt my last hopes to the ground.
Smoldering and beautiful.
He swore he could make this
broken body something
valuable .
&after he left a bomb ticking in my skull.
and after he left bullets in my wall.
I scratched the dirt from my skin
and cried the poison out on the bathroom floor.
A contest entry
- Glitter Queens & Nicoteen by E t e r n i t y.
650 points, ended March 5, 2007, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
"&after he left a bomb ticking in my skull.
and after he left bullets in my wall.
I scratched the dirt from my skin
and cried the poison out on the bathroom floor."
can we say... yum??
[this does.]
-
Interesting
There is a mystical vibe to this piece that is difficult to understand but good nonetheless. It seems to be about someone or something powerful overcoming the speaker, and then the speaker doing what he can to mend himself. (Or herself. I'm assuming the speaker is you, since the poem is in the "personal" category.) My favorite lines would be "He swore he could make this/ Broken body something/ Valuable." I like the way they are structured. The bomb ticking inside the skull also caught my attention.
-
WOW
I just loved the way you managed to portray so many raw, intense and powerful emotions using such few words!!
the poem has a touch of spookiness to it all which only added to the strongs sense of pain which prevails over your words...
that was a fantastic write, you seem to have got heaps of talent so keep it flowing!!
love,
neera
-
Very powerful beginning with bringing down the sun. I like it very much all the way up to the bathroom floor. It's such an external poem that the reference to the bathroom seems a little odd. All-in-all it is VERY good, indeed.
Adding your comment:
