the shimmer in your mouth
persuaded me to keep knuckles in the pockets
oxygenated lipgloss
sent my violence to bed hungry
I dragged you through
Venezuelan cities
by your hair
before tonight
I apologize, really
I will label you an angel
in Mexico
and you will be worshipped
but I cannot promise
the sanctity of a wedding
because I'm sure that way down
deep
I have not removed the angry leaves
from the gutters
Author notes
a reference to anger, slightly softened by a mixture of the euphoric graspings of a woman during a night out on the town
RyanosaurusWrecks
In a list
A contest entry
- One must be absolutely modern by Justin3.
450 points, ended January 27, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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I had to read this a few times for it to really click, but you have shown strength in subtlety. Still, I'm not sure exactly of the significance of describing different cities...I feel you could go more in-depth there and make the imagery even more well-rounded than it is. I agree with the person who said that this is one of the few things worth reading in the "featured" section.
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This is REALLY, really, good, def worth reading.
Stay sick.
xx Sin
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I like it. I cant really say much more becaues it has porabably been said before. crap, I'm rhyming again,
Keep writting!
Gretchen -
I really like this one. Nice imagery and emotion
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I very much like the last two lines. This is about the only thing I've clicked on in the featured column for the last three weeks that has been worth reading.
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yes very good indeed, only really let down by the lack of any punctuation. I know it sounds pedantic, but it really helps the reader and would give a stronger structure to support the undoubtedly strong words here. It feels like it was written really fast, and I find that's usually a very good thing. Excellent work
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Wow. I usually regret clicking on any of those sponsored poems but I actually liked this.
I'm so used to seeing anger like this portrayed in that kind of lifetime soap opera type way that it was refreshing to see someone use anger as a normal human emotion.
Thanks for sharing. -
this poem is amazing. its one of those that you cant just read once. well done
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nice imagery
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Great!
quite good.
You use metaphors and similes quite effectively.
And the way you can use a free verse scheme and keep it moving so well.
Bravo!
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Beautiful, just beautiful. I love the imagery, idea, metaphor, and everything about it. This was a wonderful write. Best of luck and thanks for entering
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slightly disturbing and yet it makes me wonder how many men must restrain their anger while out on the town...food for thought...extremely well expressed.
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Sometimes you amaze me ...
this is quite a write.
Funny, I'm seeing "shimmer" everywhere lately. It reminds me of a movie I liked that was shown on National Public Television in the 90's but never released on vhs or dvd. It was called "Shimmer".
As to the poem itself, you've managed to personify anger, so to speak, and that's a major achievement. I'm not sure I could do that.
Anyway, good job and congrats on the Gold trophy.
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Neat
Well written, dark with depth, illuminated by the characters controlled anger, as a survivor I felt the impact of this original descriptive piece of poetry. The abuser pocketing the need to use fist for in the meantime his other needs are satiated but yes it simmers and beneath that which is seemingly suffused the last lines " I have not removed the angry leaves from the gutters" was excellent. Neat. I am completely au fait with the lower case presentation but perhaps an apostrophe within im/i'm? Just a suggestion dear poet.
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congrats well deserved accolades vg write strong ending vg opening vg=title thanks for letting us see these bruises regards zaj
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The gold, undoubtedly deserved could for me have been platinum if only you had bothered to capitalise the required words and phrases.
Simple grammar and English would have made this (for me) far more enjoyable.
Well deserving of clappy things but you will have to do with made up ones.
Perhaps a little punctuation would not go amiss either. -
Congrat's on the gold..I can see why you won it..This poem has so much strength in its words..written well to create a great flow. Nice metaphor use & strong imagery.
Well done and congrat's again
Cindy
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wow....this poems speaks so loudly....i don't know what more to say than i love it--it's marvelous :] wow
Godbless....
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Well I can see why this took Gold. Isn't it the true course of absolute abuse. They drag you through with their own anger at themselves, then when they realize that truly you are the one thing that keeps them sane, they treat you like an angel only to shift with each breath or shall I say stanza within this poetry.
Great use of symbolism and metaphoric breath..
Congratulations on the Gold!
All the best,
~Joy -
This is a great poem. What was your inspiration for writing this poem?
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You get around, first Venezuela then Mexico. Images were amazing. Congrats on the gold and thanks for entering my contest.
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Congratulations on your gold trophy.
buffle. -
Well done. An undercurrent of passion that can shift in a breath--with an image--from love to violence or back. Congratulations on the gold.
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This was good. I dont fully understand it, but thats probably the best part of it. Left to interpretation. Good job!
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Magnificent
I don't know where to start, this was just so amazing."i dragged you through venezuelan cities by your hair before tonight i apologize, really i will label you an angel in mexico" Those lines are wonderful, I could feel those countries around me as I read and being countries I adore that was really special.The imagery is perfect as well.May I ask what was your inspiration for this poem?
Thank you for the honour of entering my contest, great work!
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i liked this it was very orginal and certainly violent. I liked the vioelnt side to it, very different poem, and gave me the feel of back street city life. Deffo loved it anyway. =] good choice of words from the bank.
<33
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very interesting
this caught my eye ... i think it has a realistic yet magical feel to it. thanx for entering
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