Arsenic

When I was fourteen years old, my best friend, Becky, and I would talk about our lives when we grew up. We always said we'd move as far away from what we called home as possible. We'd go to college together and live in the same apartment. I'd come home at two in the morning with my boyfriend from a club, and she'd be having sex with hers on the "guest" couch. Neither of us wanted to have kids, we wanted to skip to teenagers. So we figured we'd just give our kids to the husbands until their teenage years- then we'd take over. It sounds stupid now, but we used to say we'd torture our kids just for the hell of it. Not like we'd ever care about them at all.

I wish I could go back to when we were fourteen, my best friend and me. Those were the best days of my life, no matter how bad I ever thought they were. Nowadays, I don't see her much anymore. We went to different colleges, we never shared an apartment. I never got to run in on Becky having sex. She didn't even meet my husband until the wedding. I think she's with an old friend of hers now. I always knew those two would end up together. Not like they ever believed me.

She still hasn't met my two boys; Sean is seventeen and Jeff is eleven. Sean is going steady with a sweet girl who I actually approve of, but sometimes I wish Becky was around to help me raise these kids. Everyone around the neighborhood knows my husband and me as the high school sweethearts because that's what we look like- high school sweethearts. When Becky and I would plan our future, we'd say our husbands would have divorced us by now because we'd love each other more than them. When Becky and I would plan, we'd be the little old ladies  sitting in their rocking chairs laughing at something that happened ages ago. But I guess our lives didn't turn out how we planned.

I'm no soccer mom, I never have been. I suppose everyone thinks I care so much about my family. Even though I really don't. Sean and Jeff love me, that's for sure. I'm always joking around with their friends, and we all have a good time. My husband and I make a point to say I love you every chance we get and we know it's true.

But Becky isn't here to share the love my family has for me. Becky lives eight states away and I don't know what she's doing with her life. I can't help but worry about her. She doesn't answer my calls. Almost as if it's too hard to face what we both lost, even though we know we can be just as close as we were back then. That girl and I went through so much together. But Becky's not here anymore.

So as much as my family loves me, I can never love them as much as I loved Becky. She was so much more than my best friend. She was so much more than my sister. She knew everything about me while at the same time she didn't even know my favorite color. I don't know how I've lived my life so long without her. But as Sean's girlfriend walked in with her best friend, the two reminded me of Becky, and I ran out of the room in tears. When I called her she didn't answer the phone. When she didn't answer the phone, I had a sudden need to see her. I needed to see what had become of my past. Why we couldn't have what we grew up looking forward to. I needed to see why everything was so different than what we'd planned out. So I went to see Becky.

I flew across eight states on a Red Eye and I found Becky. I found my best friend.

Lying dead on her own kitchen floor with a needle and a bag of heroin lying next to her.

I flew back home to my family and I told my husband I love you. I gave them all a kiss goodnight and I poured myself a glass of wine to help me sleep. What was it that I had lost, really? Becky was already gone. The only difference was now there was no chance of getting her back.




I guess no one would ever know that my wine was spiked with arsenic.