Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

six second flash.

six;
      cars intercept with the walls
and in the churning of metal

five;
    my pulse runs cold
inevitable, it should have been preventable
the impact sound roaring.

four;
      if only the seconds before relasped
i'm praying for a miracle here.

three;
  one foot in the road
head cast in the wrong direction,
i've never made a graver decision.

two;
  the collsion of my head against the floor,
gravel never tasted so filthy.
  i've never seen so much blood.

one;
    cold burning metal
and a whirlpool of blood.

Author notes

17th January 2007.
This was orignally for a contest, but i forgot to enter hehe.
So I just found it and worked on it a bit more. I don't really like it, but I tried a different format.
The ending is missing one line, that has to close it off, and I really can't figure it out. =[

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • sweetpearl
    February 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "gravel never tasted so filthy.
    i've never seen so much blood."

    --I can see this happening somewhere out in the open road alone. Though I'm not sure what this is entirely about.


  • -foreverandever
    January 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    *reads again*

    i still love it
    like a countdown
    to the moment
    which could make you or break you
    or change your life
    or end it

    it's so ambiguous
    but so precise

    yeah, contradictionsss
    love<3


  • bombshel --
    January 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i think its perrfect babe..
    so much emotion.
    i love the countdown bit.
    lovelovely imagery, just beautiful, i love it.
    the ending could use some work, but
    all in all its still amazing (for lack of a better word.)


    • petrichor
      January 25, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      mneh, i keep forgetting to work on the end
      haha, but i shall.
      and thank youu. =]

      <33


  • -foreverandever
    January 24, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    ohh
    my
    god

    wow, babe. wow.
    this is stunning
    floating gently along just browsing and then BAM
    just knocks out your breath
    in a burst of gorgeous imagery and perfect words

    i sort of agree about the last line.. don't push it tooo hard though, it'll come
    i noticed you've used the word blood twice
    it might be better repetition if there was a line after the second use, or maybe use a metaphor for blood.
    idk
    hope you don't mind my input

    absolutely incredible write
    lovelove<3


    • petrichor
      January 24, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      =]
      i don't mind the input at all
      i didn't actually notice the use of blood,
      but yeah you're right, it's too close together.
      i shall revise another word for that.

      thank youu

      <33


  • makeout kid
    January 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i adore the format.
    ♥


  • hopelessly-broken
    January 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    well i think the ending is good the way it is! the descriptions were great and pus a deep image in my head. keep up the good work
    XoXoXoX


  • love tank x
    January 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "two;
    the collsion of my head against the floor,
    gravel never tasted so filthy.
    i've never seen so much blood."

    This is really good && creative. Also love the title Good luck with the last line, even though I think it's great the way it is.

1 - 10 of 10