Darkness comes
Just two of us
The world disappears
And time stops
Hearts are beating rapidly
Palms are sweaty
This is love
Move in closer
Eyes are locked
Passion within
Desire to be fulfilled
Lips slowly part
And touch
Two are no more
Only one
One body
One mind
One heart
One soul.
A contest entry
- six seconds is all you get. by noir eyes.
400 points, ended January 22, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - la la la love! by j-ay rose.
535 points, ended March 8, 2007, 75 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Many Options... Prewrites allowed by gothprincess7.
500 points, ended August 27, 82 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - New Love... by XxContinualSlinkyxX.
425 points, ended March 20, 2007, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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In this moment:
In other currently running contests: yes. ):
Creativity: 3/10
Concept: 3/10
Language: 3/10
Overall Effect: 3/10
Final Grading: 12/40
Notes: none.
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Nice write. The green links are a bit rough to read but other than that, this is really nice. I like this background and how it helps the entire set of this poem. Nicely done. Keep up the good work.
Love always,
Kristen ♥ -
pretty… pretty… somthin’, not quite sure what. i read a lot of poetry, i read a lot of old good poetry from old dead poets. there are particular elements that need to be captured in a poem to make it timeless. that two people become one does not make my jaw drop, instead it makes my body flaccid with disappointment. is wanting to be put into awe too much to ask for?
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so what do you suggest?
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i suggest dropping everything that is cliché. by that, i mean think of every love poem you have ever read and take out anything that is similar. for example: "from this moment" is directly from a song, maybe you haven't heard it but it is rather common. don't focus on trying to describe every detail. try more so to zone in on how you felt, and only one or two aspects. don't get repetitive or redundant unless its useful or intentional. try to use metaphors and similes and other forms of poetic device. really, its difficult to explain how to write rather than just writing it. then again these are just my opinions.
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this was really, really, really good. i liked it A LOT. it was so simple, yet so beautiful at the same time. amazing job. thanks for entering ♥
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