winter's cold blanket
soft, covered in white feathers--
wake me with a kiss
Revision 1 :
pristine white feathers
winter's soft blanket--
cool to the touch
Revision 2 :
chilled vapour
exquisite crystal shapes--
melting on tongues
Revision 3 :
winter's
exquisite snowflakes--
melting on tongues
Revision : Final
snowflakes
melting on tongues--
sundae treat
In a list
A contest entry
- Winter's Cold (Haiku Contest) by naked roots.
525 points, ended February 12, 2007, 42 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Haiku Contest!! by KnightOfTheRose.
325 points, ended April 29, 2007, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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wow great job! this is a beautifully written haiku! quite a few revisions were made I noticed
anyway this is soooo good I can see why you won an honorable mention with this piece! thank you soooo much for entering! excellent work and the best of luck in my contest!!!
-Steve- -
final revision
well done! you started with a 17 syllable poem which painted nothing more than a picture and then worked well on this to produce a haiku with a fine juxtaposition. it's good to see the revisions & to notice how beautifully the work progressed.
very impressisve,
myron.
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snowflakes
melting on tongues--
sundae treat
Hi this is the first chance I've gotten to read through all of your revisions. It's nice to see how much this haiku has developed. Great work on the final version as well. I like thinking of the snow landing on tongues as a tasty treat! Thank you very much for entering our contest.
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snowflakes
melting on tongues--
sundae treat
this is haiku, creates an image and has a twist at the end, sunday/sundae - asks the reader to think - well done.
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it's so good to see you working hard on the revisions - myron is the best teacher ever and you are a fast learner!
good luck,
rachel
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revision #3
once again, there is a big improvement in this revision.
if you wish to take it a step further, i have two suggestions. the first would be to omit the adjective 'exquisite' as that is the poet's opinion, rather than what the poet sees.
the other suggestion has to do with the way a haiku can be made to work on two levels. at the moment your haiku is centred on the snowflakes melting on tongues. that's one complete image and it paints a pretty picture for your readers. a haiku is often lifted when it has two images in it. if you find the right second image it will provide a contrast or comparison to the first image and perhaps this will provide readers with what is known as 'the aha moment''.
once you have the word snowflakes in a haiku, we get the idea that it's winter - so you don't really need the word 'winter' in your first line. you have room for another line to give us another image.
so far your haiku stands something like this:
snowflakes
melting on tongues
..............
so maybe you can find another quick scene about something else that happens or something else that you see, hear or smell while the flakes melt on tongues?
contestants have until february 9th to work with their revisions.
yours in haiku,
myron.
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re revision #2
it's good to see you working on this one. each version is better, so you're moving in the right direction.
one of the difficult things when moving from other types of poetry to haiku is the use of language. in haiku we try to be as clear and direct as possible. so my suggestion is that you be more specific about what this 'chilled vapour' and the 'crystal shapes' are.
good luck,
myron. -
wow
wow hun this is a really nice cool piece of work
... I loved it, but hey I love all of your work and I always tell you how much I do. Great job... again 
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On the contrary- I welcome any criticism and value your opinion. I have made two revisions to this haiku and hope you will be able to comment again. I need to know if I am heading in the right direction.
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winter's cold blanket
thanks for entering our contest.
we are after haiku which concentrate on sense images in plain and direct language. yours is wonderfully poetic, but perhaps not suited to the rules of pour contest. it seems to me that your haiku uses metaphor and that is not allowed in our rules.
also, your final line is not a sense image, but rather a request, or perhaps even personification.
i hope you don't mind my comments. and i hope you get time to revise this one or write a completely new haiku.
best wishes,
myron. -
Awesome
This is a great piece of imagery...the thing is just perfect with the last line so straight forward and to the point...breaks distraction...great great write...
KAY
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Absolutely stunning my dear, just stellar!
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Very nicely done, I like imagining snow as white feathers...good luck in contest!
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Just beautiful, Bella
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