We’re forever searching for a model of feminine perfection,
and we look in characters such as a Barbie doll or Tinkerbell.
But Neverland’s girl with her faerie dust always faces rejection –
Barbie’s a plastic glamour girl, but ultimately, it’s sex that sells.
Today’s Barbie has no self-respect; she once turned tricks as a whore,
the glitter lipgloss on her lips stains the ends of all her cigarettes.
She thinks stripping's a better career than what she was before,
and selling coke and LSD helps to pay off some of her debts.
Desperation’s baby girl wears lace panties under her miniskirt,
the attraction of Hollywood quickly faded when she saw the truth.
Alice could have been her role model, but Barbie was a better flirt –
this girl lost her virginity when she was raped in a photo booth.
She’s as sugary as bubblegum, but she thinks she’s a slut inside,
black nail polish and piercings complement the blade scars on her wrists.
Now this Barbie girl is pregnant, and that’s a fact she’s trying to hide –
she uses drugs to black out again; she drowns herself in Death’s abyss…
Author notes
My username is D r a m a Q u e e n 4 6 9 - without the spaces, obviously 
In a list
- cool poems • next in list
- Trophy Winners - 1. Gold • next in list
- Society • next in list
- Dark • next in list
- Trophy Winners - 4. Honorable Mention • next in list
A contest entry
- fingerprints, love lined skin, and liquid rainbow tears by Weetzie bat.
1750 points, ended August 9, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me your talent! Lots of options to suit most styles on here!! by Everlasting Ellen.
820 points, ended February 24, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hit me with your best shot - (inc. Prewrites.) by Swintha.
500 points, ended May 31, 40 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - come take a look! please?? (rhyming contest!) by nobodys-girl.
400 points, ended July 16, 238 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 72 of 72
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ah the price of "perfection" that some people are willing to pay. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!
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Ooooo You should definitely read some of the poems I have bashing the iconic barbie type figures. It kills me that people aspire to be perfect. Flaws are beautiful. If everyone had the mind set like we do...the world would be some what better.
Good job friend. -
Congrtaulations on winning the coveted golden goblet. This is a terrific poem and it was certainly deserving.
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wow, this is awesome! so sinister and dame right sad and true! well done on the gold x
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Thank you for entering, I am commenting on your poem because you have made it to my finalist list, well done.
This was an excellent poem and I really enjoyed reading. I understood the issues you touched on and love how you actually gave me a controversal poem which related to society.
Great title as well.
Good luck!
-Swintha
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Oooh. I quite like this one; it's very vivid. Well done.
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lol damn, "raped in a photo booth", this is why everyone wants to come to the US *sarcastically laughs like a retard* . That poem's straight from your heart i guess, a keen observation of the loss of self-respect to the rising glam scene. Very nice write.
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very interesting!
Love the meaning, and love the depth.
Thanks for entering.
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WOW...Heart wrenching truths about women stereotypes and what they do...who are we supposed to be. It's damaging our society!
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Very nice flow.
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This is very different. An interesting take on a movie and a normal doll for children. The flow was done really well. Thank you for sharing it.
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Very different. I have never read something like this before but it definitely brought me in closer to read. It was excellent with the way you described things and I appreciate your entry in my contest.
Damien
Good luck -
An intersting poem I haven't seen anything quite like this before.
The Positives:
An amazing poem lots of imagery and cleveryly written I really liked that about this.
Room For Improvement:
Nothing I can see you did wonderful
My Favorite Part:
Desperation’s baby girl wears lace panties under her miniskirt,
the attraction of Hollywood quickly faded when she saw the truth.
Alice could have been her role model, but Barbie was a better flirt –
this girl lost her virginity when she was raped in a photo booth.
I loved the description in this through out.
Overall:
I give this an 8/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.
~*~Apathetic Poison~*~ -
Complement is spelled thus.
Drop the "s" off miniskirts (it won't affect the meaning), and you have a perfect rhyme with flirt.
Wrists/abyss is only just a half-rhyme.
otherwise pretty good.
R.
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Thankyou so much for your comment!!
It's been a while since I made a spelling mistake lol - appreciated
Maria
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I'm just going to jot down my impressions with minimal padding and hope I don't get the mafia sent after me. My first thought was that this probably would have read just as well, if not better, as prose. Frankly, it reads a little like essay-meets-rant. It's the heavy language, if you ask me, and the overtelling:
"We’re forever searching for a model of feminine perfection, and we look in characters such as a Barbie doll or Tinkerbell. But Neverland’s girl with her faerie dust always faces rejection – Barbie’s a plastic glamour girl, but ultimately, it’s sex that sells."
If not for the rhyme (that's lost in the length of the lines and the polysyllabic language), there would be nothing stopping me from pointing at this and saying: Intro paragraph of an essay on society! It would be a good essay too.
There are several integral issues to this lack of "poetry" (and here, I expect I'll be hounded by people who'll yowl that anything is poetry and that poetry is everything) and one of the main ones is the heavy use of abstractions. Abstractions are words which have no real meaning attached to them. You can't win a game of pictionary with an abstraction and you won't see it in a visual dictionary. Plain and simple, it's a term that means anything and everything to a reader. Words like "love" and "beauty" are easy ones, but for your piece:
Abstraction example: model of feminine perfection, rejection, glamour girl, self respect, etc
Cliches: (for obvious reason) Glamour girl, sex sells, facing rejection, turn tricks, etc
Note how the cliches are the ones with the nicest ring to them - it's because of the alliteration and same sounds.
The piece does have a few pure gold phrases and images later on like this one "glitter lipgloss on her lips stains the ends of all her cigarettes." but overall, it's lost in weak language and overexplaining.
I'd seek to tighten the verse, cut the fluff and focus on the images. Possible alternative:
No self-respect Barbie turned tricks as a whore,
glitter lipgloss stains on cigarette ends.
She thinks stripping's a better than what she was before
and coke and LSD to help pay off some debts.
Now obviously, you'll probably not like that because it's not you writing it, and a bit of a different style. The rhythm's off (though not by much because the initial piece did not have a regular meter - which is usually a must if you rhyme.) But note how I took out all the redundancies and left the meaning. Redundancies are where the meaning's repeated pointlessly. For example, if the poem is talking about her, and "glitter lipgloss", then it's pretty common sense that it's "on her lips" and that it stains "all her" cigarettes. You don't need the extra, just like you don't need to say "white" snow, unless having snow be white's pretty unusual.
So yes, overall, my thoughts would be summarized in tightening the language, getting the meter regular and focusing on giving vivid, specific images (and barring that, to use poetic devices like alliteration and avoid cliches).
Hope this is useful. If not, then at least an interesting read. -
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Thankyou so much, I truly appreciate the indepth comment. It was certainly useful! Some of the issues you brought up spring from the fact that this was originally a word bank
However, you've certainly given me a lot to consider for my future writing, and I appreciate that. Thank you!
Maria
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Very welcome and good luck writing!
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A good write to be sure. Another little piece of reality best left dark, the light shined on it to spite us all.
Thanks for entering -
21st century Barbie girl is real.
It sure delivers the message of commercialism and self indulgance that our society seems to be experiencing. It shows me you are capable of looking deeper into situations than what is presented on the surface. I will surly put you on my favorit list.
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wow this is so amazing poem
you write very well
"Wow"
thanks for the entry -
Very dark and nicely written, quite blunt but I guess that suits the topic.
Thank you for entering this into my contest.
--Katie--
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Wow
Absolutely amazing poem - a statement on types in todays society, told brilliantly.
Wonderful rhyming and the flow of the piece is excellent. A pleasure to read.
Thanks for entering and good luck in my contest. -
Loved this ! it was really worth reading and I enjoyed reading this, its funny though and made my ass laugh,
You got talent, your poems should be in books by right now I hope they are already
Shuberth
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I'm sure I've read this before, since your AN states it was for one of my contests.
But I'll read it again
This is very well penned
Great work -
Excellent. Very creative look into the barbies of the world! Thanks for entering my contest! Good luck! I'm honored to have you show your work here!
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Very clever, I love it. Very well written (:
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Wow... such a contrast to all I've ever known about Barbie! lol But very well told! I love the images and the story. Good work!
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great topic and creative idea! im jealous...lol.j/k no really it was a great write and so true! we can never aspire to be barbie or in real life we would tip over from the boobies lol.
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wow you hit it on the noe with this one.... you are completely right, that's what it's like in today's society, barbie girl's the perfect body for a man.... and in the end they die and are nothing ti the world after the fact
GREAT PENNING
LOVE FOREVER AND ALWAYS
Ciara Ann -
Awesome, this is just an amazing poem. Liked the flow, the message... I liked everything about it to be honest
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I really enjoyed this even though it is very dark. There is a lot of truth in it. Too much truth and it's sad that the roll modle
for little girls all over the world is a plastic bimbo. I had a barbie contest last year and it was hilarious. -
Originality: (10/10)
Emotion: (8/10)
Poetic devices: (14/20)
Structure/flow: (7/10)
Cohension: (10/10)
Title relating to poem: (8/10)
Personal opinion: (7/10)
Syntax: (7/10)
Diction: (8/10)
Total:79/100
I love the bluntness in this poem.
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Thank you for entering our "Show me your talent" contest. I'm Nelena, your contest co-host.
This is very deep, and honest. Our modern-day Barbie doll has developed an uncanny similarity to the slut found walking down the street. Though with your poem, I had a difficult time trying to decide if you were critisizing or empathising for her...At first you call her a whore, then you say she gets raped. Please explain, I am quite fascinated
Thank you for submitting! -
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Empathy. The poem is first and foremost a comment on society (as I'm sure you already guessed!) I hear the word "whore" bandied about a lot, whether or not it's accurate, and I threw it in there partially for shock value and partially because that's... what she was. No use beating around the bush about it. I don't necessarily use the word as an insult, I use it as a description of the truly dark places this girl has been.
Thankyou so much for your comment!
Maria xoxo -
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This is clever I have to say. And although there is a few ways in which readers can interpret your use of words, I thnk its nicely penned. It was exactly the sort of thing I was thinking about when I thought of Barbie doll standards. Very interesting and thanks for entering
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This is a creative view of the Barbie doll idolized by so many young girls today. It shows that Barbie is just too perfect to be true, and the sad, terrible consequences of trying to imitate her. This is a good poem, seemingly showing the collective regrets of every girl who has tried to be something she's not.
This poem has a very natural rhyme scheme, almost as if you didn't need to try when writing this poem, and the words just flowed out. It conveys the sense of being a born poet.
I think this is the perfect length; not too long, and not too short. It has a lot of creativity in it, and is well written.
I wish you the best of luck, and keep writing and improving your poetry. ^__^
Aeris Silverlight
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wow I'll never look at barbie the same again. This is a very creative write you have going here. Thanks for sharing this with us and thanks for entering it into my contest.
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Narratively creative. Nice write.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best in the contest. Keep writing my friend.
>>>VIRGOAN
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So I really did enjoy reading this. Alice really would have been a better role model.
you have great imagery. And the words you used aside from the ones belonging to the word bank in your author's notes really help to tie the poem together. The poem is fantastic as is with intense emotion! It can also in my opinion be made longer and whatnot, but it's current format is fantastic.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck. -
hehe I like the content... defiling barbie imagery has always been enjoyable... It's not much of a narrative style though. The rhymes are fine, but your lines are really long... this isn't a problem, but it would help if there was a consistent beat for the poem (hard to do on long lines, I know). I was going to say some of it is a little over the top in terms of the sheer amount of dark references, but I see you used a word bank so I guess that explains it heh.
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wow
I have never read anything like it
you are amazing. -
Omg lmao this is too funny
it's an amazing write
good luck in the contest!!!
Ashlee xxxx
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Aww, thanks so much!!!
Maria xoxox
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awesome
you are incredibly talented, am amazed. This is a really deep insight into todays cynical society, and the pathetic role models it possesses.
Good Lass!!!
Alias xxx
ps- i put too many s's
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LOL, don't worry bout the s's. Thankyou so, so much for the awesome comment!!
Maria xoxox
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Wow
I really like it
I thought this was really powerful:
"The glitter lipgloss on her lips stains the ends of all her cigarettes."
Dunno, it just... well, it points out how it is, right?
Good job!
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Wow, thankyou so much!!
Maria xoxox
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Wow, this is a powerful and true write. I love the honesty in your work.
Good luck in the contest.
Peace
x x
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Thanks so much for the lovely comment!!!
Maria xoxox
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beautiful
Ooooooooh wow you really made an effective message, the words worked so well! It wasn't like 'what the heck is with all these random words?! Must be a word bank' - it was fantastique. Painfully true and beautifully crafted as always
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Awwww thanks so much for the sweet comment honey!!
Maria xoxox
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wow that is fantastic! very powerful and moving great job you have such good talent
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Awwww that's so sweet... thanks so much!!
Maria xoxox
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Deep!
This work is amazing! I really love it! It was deep, insightfull, and powerfull. I totaly agree with the view of our culture and sociaty that the work portrayed. I really hope you do well in the contest, you deserve it!
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Thanks so much, that's so sweet!! Thanks for commenting!!
Maria xoxox
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Wow this was incredible. I had no idea that you even used a word bank when I was looking at it. This was powerful and the best of luck to you in the contest.
Kari -
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Thanks so much for taking the time to comment!!
Maria xoxox
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That was spectacularly written. You take such innocent words and weave them into a dialectic-moral poem. Superb this is in how compassion,hurt, anger,wistfulness, desire, empathy allreside together in one write without overcrowding any one of them.. well done,,well done...
~~*STARR*~~ XXXX
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Wow, thanks so much for the lovely comment!!
Maria xoxox
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wow! This is a very intense and powerful poem. I love the message of your first and third paragraphs especially. It's all so true too.
This line really rings for me:
This girl lost her virginity when she was raped in a photo booth.
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Thankyou very much for the lovely comment - but I hope that line doesn't ring true for you through personal experience...
Maria xoxox
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Now this Barbie girl is pregnant, and that’s a fact she’s trying to hide –
She uses drugs to blackout again; she drowns herself in Death’s abyss…
great picturisation of the truth of today and touches the heart very well as well...it is just a shock like expression..breathtaking as well...but beyond to our control, such incidents and accidents are chanigng our life completely sometimes and we are left with no options...indeed very deep eye opener work is here...great expression...although but ...very sad yet -
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Thanks very much for taking the time to leave such a sweet comment!!
Maria xoxox
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Wow, ummmmmmm......Wow!!!! Drama you always have such a way with words!!!! Most put either a lovey dovey or a poor me spin on things, you say this is how it was and how it is so deal! I love that about you!!!! Keep up the great writing!!!!
~DAWN~
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Oh... thanks so much for the sweet comment!!!
Maria xoxox
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holy hell i love this!!! amazing write
avec amour *~Krymsin Kyss~* -
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Awww thanks heaps!!!
Maria xoxox
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sure strikes a chord.
This s so common, so sad yet so very true. -
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Thanks heaps for taking the time to comment!!
Maria xoxox
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Enjoy I did. I REALLY like this piece a lot. It's a great piece- I read it like 5 times because its so rad.
Keep up the killer work, take care, and keep on writing! Good luck in my contest and thank you for entering.
~Princess of Shadows~ -
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Thanks very much for the comment - I probably never would have written anything like this without the word bank!! Good luck judging - it's already looking like it's going to be a tough job!!
Maria xoxox
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