I am an orphan to my thoughts,
a waif,
alone and scarred.
Attired in filthy maroon polonaise,
torn stockings.
abrasive, bloody wounds on my knees.
I sit in a field of asphodel petals,
pensive,
snuggly rocking.
His rancid smell
still lingering in my nostrils.
I’m filled with dread and shame.
I allowed myself to be caught
in his sly snare,
He used me to ignite his lust
and left me to incinerate.
Burnt to a pile of emery debris.
Listen to the silence,
opaline serenity,
the lull of nightfall.
Glassy globe, eve’s visible vesper,
a star of hope
against a blanket of ebony.
Swathe my spirit to quiescence
under antiqued, silver sliver,
imperial mother moon.
I pray for a moment
of grandeur, of clarity,
to release me from
this aching chrysalis of suffering.
Author notes
I used both word banks because I couldn't pick one!
Task 1 Use either of the following word arrangements to produce a beautiful poem in any form.
- I used contemporary free verse.
Word Bank A
1. Vesper
2. Glassy
3. Asphodel
4. Incinerate
5. Emery
6. Debris
7. Maroon
8. Quiescence
9. Snare
10. Grandeur
Word Bank B
1. Chrysalis
2. Ignite
3. Waif
4. Rancid
5. Opaline
6. Pensive
7. Polonaise
8. Swathe
9. Imperial
10. Silver
Contemporary free verse - a narrative descriptive about the shame a woman feels after being taken advantage of and raped.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Darkwrite Challenge - Round 2 by Alleksa Jan.
600 points, ended March 21, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Original Tears by I-Am-Custard.
600 points, ended April 22, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 74 of 74
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Very well done, nice use of free-verse, seamless use of the word banks, not particularly heart wrenching, but well written, so that makes up for it a bit. Thank you for entering.
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Man! I left SUCH a long comment and it completely erased it and told me, error! That sucks! Ughhh... anyways, I won't cut it short for you the second time.
I really enjoyed reading this poem, and was surprised it was originally out of a wordbank. It was a strong poem and you incorporated those words in there very well. The thing I liked about this was that it gave enough detail for the reader to figure out the situation, yet left it vague enough so that it's not gruesome or depressing. That was a good choice. You have some quite strong lines in here.
Thank you for entering, good luck! -
The words flow like you were here relating the tale right here to me, very discriptive and sad, Much admire your wwork lori
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well what can i say, you have impressed me yet again!!! Very stunning imagery, well done and i recognized the word banks and think you did an absolutly wonderful job at it!! Only one Q, for my own curiosity and not a criticism in the least!!
L2 did u mean scarred or scared? either way works wonderfully but the "common phrase" is alone and scared. Kudos either way, excellent and powerful !!
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Thanks for the wonderful comment on this piece, Lady! Sorry it's taken all month to say thank you!
I truly appreciate you taking time to read and review my work. The phrase I used in this piece is correct, 'alone and scarred'. Not the typical alone and scared, as many use. 
~Lori
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I really loved the imagery in the befining! Great write... so you are an over achiever, eh? - using both word banks!
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that was awesome lori i liked it tho it was kinda creepy lol i think i already commented on this 2 lol
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Thanks for reading again then, Marie! Much appreciated hunny!
~Lori
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Wow, I never would have been able to tell that you were using a word bank, let alone two! You really are a stunning poet Lori.
The write is filled with dark pain and emotion, that I can both relate to and feel deeply. You really did a great job of penning this, even though it just makes me want to give you a super-sized hug.
ily
-Shirley-
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Thanks Shirl! I really appreciate the beautiful comment on this piece! I would take that super-sized hug anytime!
~Lori
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What a great use of the word bank! I was actually reading through the words that you had to choose from, and my jaw dropped at the potential. A potential you seemed to have acquired and made your own. I really have no criticism on this piece, and actually found it quite relaxing to immerse myself in its imagery. Very smooth poem which I might go as far as to say is flawless. I hope all goes well with the contest.
-Mal
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Thanks for the wonderful comment on this piece, Mal! It is greatly appreciated! Glad that you enjoyed the read.
~Lori
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Praisworthy and well deserved, As always you have penned something that has clarity and strength,
a pleasure to read. -
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Thanks so much ronnica! Your lovely comment is greatly appreciated!
~Lori
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Great write!
So intense and emotional. And sad. Nice visuals as well.
And seeing the word bank after reading it, you incorporated it superbly. I am horrible with word banks.
This is a great poem.
~greg~
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Thanks Greg! I appreciate your wonderful comment on this piece! Thanks for reading!
~Lori
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:)
First I really didn't understand some of the words but considering what kind of style you were doing you did pretty good. I have also learned a few new words if it is any better consolation.
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Thanks Hermit! This was a hard word bank to work from but I'm pleased with what I created from it!
~Lori
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Simply amazing~~
Lori,
I have so missed reading your work!! This is a beautiful piece you have such an amazing way with words!! I wish you all the best in the contest you are in!! This piece speaks to so many!! We all long for a small moment for someone to listen to us and even a second of being actually heard!!
Love ya Sis!!
Shannon
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Shannon, I've missed you Sis! Thanks for the great comment on this piece! I really appreciate you taking time to read. Love Ya!
~Lori
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3 claps...9pts
Reward from The Poetic Bandits reading list
~Lilac~
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This is amazing to be written from a word bank, I couldn't tell at all, and I didn't look at the word list till I'd finished reading...
You have done a super job, this is filled with emotion, that touched me. I can't imagine how it must really feel to go through something like this...you have evoked a feeling of shame, which is wrong but I know victims of rape always feel this way... you've expressed it in deep and powerful imagery...
The first stanza really pulled at my attention, I like a poem to do that straight away and this did just that...it sent shivers through me and made me feel angry...a great piece of writing...
~Lilac~
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Lilac, thank you for your beautiful comment on this piece! Your kind words are always greatly appreciated! I'm glad the emotions I wanted to convey grabbed your attention.
~Lori
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Brilliant write. I have always struggled with word banks but you have done this magnificently well... I think it's hard to keep a flow when given specific words as sometimes they clash but in this piece they do not. I have been victim to someone similar as described by you in this poem... I am used by many for pure intention of lust, greed and sexual want. It gives you a bad opinion of society and yourself all in all. Love the use of words and the background is enchanting also.
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Thanks so very much for your lovely comment on this piece, Emphatic Rose! Your kind words are greatly appreciated! Welcome to the Bandits! It's great to have you here!
~Lori
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You've taken some impressive word banks and created an incredible piece. I think you've captured the emotions very powerfully here. Very well-penned. Good luck in the contest...your competitors have their work cut out for them! --->pixxie<---
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Thanks so much for the wonderful comment, pixxie! It is greatly appreciated!
~Lori
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This gave me chills..This was beautifully done. Amazing how you wrote something so wonderful and used the word bank so well. Very creative. Great job and good luck.
Soulful Woman -
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Thanks so much Soulful Woman! Your beautiful comment is greatly appreciated! Glad you enjoyed the read!
~Lori
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Beautiful imagery. I especially love this part:
"sit in a field of asphodel petals,
pensive,
snuggly rocking."
Your word choice is absolutely fabulous and really accents the piece enormously. The last stanza, wow, absolutely blew me away.
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Thanks so much for the lovely comment, Night Phoenix! I truly appreciate it! I'm so happy you enjoyed this piece!
~Lori
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This is a wonderful poem . . . I love the way you have so skillfully used the words from the wordbanks and created a masterpiece. I'm afraid to say that I didn't get the feeling that she hoped he would fall in love with her either . . . but that didn't detract from the poem in the slightest. Amazingly dark write.
Stay smiling and keep writing
Polly -
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Thanks so much Polly for the wonderful comment on this piece! I truly appreciate it! This was a difficult word bank but challenging to see what I could draw from it. Thanks again for reading!
~Lori
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Beautifully Written!
You have done a fine job here describing such a horrendous act upon a woman and her soul. Great imagery, great form, well crafted. Excellent! Well done my friend! Well done!
Love & Light
Debbera -
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Thanks so much Twinstar! Your lovely comment is truly appreciated! I'm happy that you enjoyed this dark write!
~Lori
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This evokes a rage that makes me want to cuss and stomp - get a baseball bat and snare a rancid man for a return visit.
I didn't catch the feeling she hoped he would fall in love with her though.
This one caught my attention and held me to read all the way through.
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Thanks for the wonderful comment on this piece, dragonsear! I truly appreciate it. Sorry that I enraged you, but I'm happy that the piece brought forth that much emotion!
~Lori
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Oh I just love word banks and you have done a great job with these words a dark write meaningful and holds powerful punch Wow this is deep writing I love it Best of luck in this contest
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Thanks so much blondone for your great comment! I really appreciate it!
~Lori
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Very nice and just amazing. One think about word banks is it forces you to use words you probably would never ever use. You worked into the poem perfectly. Good luck in the contest Lori and thanks for sharing another wonderful write that expressing a dark and sad moment in time.
Love you,
your big bro,
Charley.
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Thank you Charley for your kind and sincere comment on this piece! I truly appreciate your wonderful words, big bro!
~Lori
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i'm so impressed that you managed to use both those word banks without sounding forced, or just over-the-top. this really was a beautiful write--- the vocabulary almost sparkled-- which is an ironic way to describe how a woman would feel after being used or raped. i can't really put my finger on whether i like that contradiction or not, but for some reason it gave it a sense of power when i read it. well done, i'd say!
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Thanks for the wonderful comment on this piece, Amethyst! I truly appreciate you taking time to read and review!
~Lori
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Awesome! I would't have known it was a word bank, if you did not tell me. Some words that I am unfamiliar with, but I loved this piece a lot.
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Thanks lovelustre for the wonderful comment on this piece! It's much appreciated!
~Lori
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excellent
You have done a wonderful job using both words banks and still containing the thoughts. I would have had trouble with one. I enjoy such writing as this I am trying to improve my own writes. Very impressive.
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Thanks for the lovely comment on this piece, June-bug! It's most appreciated!
~Lori
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A clear beauitful piece I loved very much
Very well crafted with the words bank, cleverly put in
The pain was amazing
I could feel it
I love that
I love this
There are so many bits I love...I can't really pick one
Well done and good luck in the contest
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Thanks so much Fallen! I really appreciate your wonderful comment on this piece!
~Lori
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You didn't need the explanation. Your words speak clearly on their own. Nice use of words, even if it was just because of the word bank. They worked well. A very melancholy tone!
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Thanks Frodo for the great comment on this piece! It's very much appreciated!
~Lori
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This is realyl well written, I wasn't sure if 'scarred' was supposed to be SCARED, but I'll point it out just in case it's a typo. It doesn't feel wrong when you read it, it's just my expectations being different from reality.
A good poem though, and for once I couldn't tell it was from a word bank until afterwards, so well done -
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Thanks blacksummer for the excellent comment! Scarred is scarred, but I've read the misspellings before in other pieces, so I understand why you questioned it! I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's hard to write from word banks and not be obvious, so I appreciate that compliment very much!
~Lori
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What fantastic use of the word bank! You crafted some heavy duty words into a well crafted piece of art! The flow and rhythm of this was wonderful! Best wishes and blessings to you,
Frogz~
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Thanks so much Frogz! This was an interesting bank of words to draw inspiration from for this piece. I had just made this border and they seemed to mesh together so well. Thanks for reading, my friend!
~Lori
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Wonderfully done. Have just got a few glimpses of some new words I'd never crossed. Glad to be able to learn something new from this. Great going Lori!
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Thanks Spring Dale! Glad that this piece added to your vocabulary! These were very interesting word banks from which to gain inspiration.
~Lori
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Awww this is so heartfelt and sad. Rape victims never get over their experience of being raped. The memory stays forever.
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Thanks Lady Altheia! You're so right, victims always have the memory of their abuse.
Thanks for reading!
~Lori
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Very creative write you have penned here to use both word lists in this poem. Great alliteration in parts, good images and appropraite title as well.
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Thanks so much grannyeri! Your wonderful comment is truly appreciated! These were interesting word banks from which to draw inspiration.
~Lori
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A well crafted dark write. Very good imagery, flow and tone. I like the eerie feel to the poem. Deeply expressed feelings of hurt, pain and fear. You used the word banks effectively in this piece. Vivid descriptives. Nice alliteration.
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Thank you Shelley for the great comment on this free verse! Your lovely words are always a welcome review!
~Lori
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Reaching
This poem just reaches out and grabs the reader exposing emotions along the read that are almost indescribable. An outstanding write! WOW ~Tia
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Thanks so much Tia for the lovely comment on this piece! I truly appreciate it. I was unsure of the outcome when I began this piece but I'm satisfied with where it led me.
~Lori
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Oh wow this is such a talented write, full of imagery and ,metaphors that really send the ,message wonderfully. I love the way you contrasted the light and dark of night, where her heart is dark but she is looking for a sliver of light to give her hope.
Great write and good luck in this contest
Gaylenes
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Thanks so much Gaylene for your beautiful comment on this piece! I really appreciate you taking time to read!
~Lori
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Penetrating Write
Truly emotions unique to the one but able to see the result. Imagery great! Content very picturesque and flowing with confused after thoughts. Multi moments of mixed emotions at the end of the write leaving the reader to think about it. Great work and good luck, Don
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Thank you for the excellent comment on this piece, Don! I truly appreciate it! Your feedback is always encouraging!
~Lori
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Your talent is beyond words aand shines through in this piece in ways even my talented mind cannot come up with to explain.
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Thanks so much Sami! I'm very complimented by your lovely comments! I appreciate you reading!
~Lori
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Wow this is just another awesome write. So full of emotions. You are so talented with the written word. Good luck in the contest
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Thanks so much Theresa! I appreciate your wonderful comment and compliment!
~Lori
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