To Maria

To Maria
January 19, 2007

My dear friend,
You have asked me to explain myself to you, Although I have no incentive to explain my position just as you have no right nor privilege to ask of it. And so in response to your request I shall detail all emotion you have inquired me to transfer. You have questioned that if I love him still, Why is it them that I do not seek his love to be returned to me, or desire him to be mine once again. You have questioned how one can love so surely and so deeply even when that love is not returned. You have questioned the validity of my claim to words and promises he once spoke unto me with the sincerest expressions. Words he now denies to you as things of you he once denied to me. All of these questions I shall answer you if you can attempt to take as explanation not condemnation. However if you can not face nor take  responsibility to that of which I am to charge you, than perhaps my explanation will be nothing more than an expression of my great distress.
You made inquiry whilst we spoke last night, as to my emotions towards the young Mr. Elffar. You asked that if I loved him as I claim, why then I do not want him to return to me. This is my answer. My love for him is not a selfish love, such as the love that exists for him within you. My love for him does not seek to tear him from that which he loves, from that which is loyal unto him, and that which insures his happiness, for my own personal gain. My love for him is quite different from yours. My deep and unmovable dedication, to he who has complete control of my thoughts and dreams, now shattered by your selfish love, Is a dedication that does not seek to take him for myself from another. I do not wish to follow your example and steal his love away from another, so that I may be the happy one. I cannot do unto you all that you have done to me. My love is not a selfish love, but a love that realizes that he loves you, not I. It is a love that can not hate you for all your treachery, for I love him to much to hate one he loves as much as you.
You also made a point as to question my devotion to a love that is not returned. The truth of what I am about to tell you may be confusing for you who have little knowledge of the ideals of true love. Love is not something that is selfish, nor does it fade dually. Love can still linger on in the heart of one long after the other has forgotten. My dedication to the young Mr. Elffar is the substance of the most heart wrenching tales that the world could ever hope to witness. It is the tale of a child who fell in love and existed within that love through separation, reunion, love, and abandonment. It is the story of a woman who now loves a man who will never love her in return, and will soon abolish all thoughts remaining from his mind, all treasures of their time together. How then can I love him still you ask? Because there is difference between the emotions of love and need. You seek him because he is the only man whom has held you and made you feel loved, and he is the only man whom will ever love you unconditionally regardless of your lies and transgressions. You feel as if you need him to move forward, because of his love for you. It seems you have found your equal, for he is a monarch of deceit just as you are the queen of harlotry. You ask how can I love a man who does not love me in return. It is simple, yet complex. One cannot chose whom she or he will love, just as one can not chose the dreams that fall on them when the lonely night without their love befalls. Why do I love him? The truth: I know not why and still, yet I do. Not by choice, but by penalty.
You also question that which I have told you regarding our time together, that which he now condemns as ill truths. All that which I have told you, every slander he added to thy name, and every word spoken against you in an attempt to turn me against you, are true. Everything that I have shared with you, his words of love to me, his jest of marriage and talk of children, are truths of which I have altered not. His theft of that most dear to me, childhoods innocence and hearts purity, and his condemnation of my dreams are all truths. It is not my attempt to destroy your restored love, the love that you solicited him to return to, in which tearing him from the arms of the loyalty he loved destroyed my reason for breath; but to let you know all of which I have discovered about the man that we both love. I wish only to warn, not to sabotage. He is a man filled with lies, and I only wish you the best of luck in one day discovering that when a brighter beauty will arrive, or return to his life when left by he who she left him for, he shall drop you just as swiftly as he left me for you. You will be much more fortunate than I if he loves you enough to let you know at the beginning of the summer that he is disloyal to you, rather than being forced by his Mother to tell you so at its end.

Regards,
Arrianna MacEwan