The sun sets on a troubled mind
the dark veil unfurls over a ladened heart
as thoughts swirl and grimaces
are hidden in the dark of night.
Unseen clouds form in cranial stratosphere;
thoughts, like thunder, rumble
and roll across a uneven mental field
seconds behind the stark flash of rueful epiphany.
Grey matter processes itself, unbiddened;
conjured by an active mind that sees beyond,
that remembers, that dreams, that hopes for
one real chance to stumble in the right direction.
A tired mind is an active, open mind
susceptable to new ideas, old mistakes
and never ending new possibilities
beyond the first shades of night.
Author notes
this is an anonymous contest, please refrain from using my name - real or other_ in your comments.
I have come up with an alternate ending for this piece that I think strenghtens it at the end, I would like you, faithful readers, to tell which one works best for you
Exhaustion can beget exaltation
new ideas form over old mistakes
and never ending possibilities
beyond the first shades of night.
A contest entry
- Shades of Night (CONTEST) by Touchof1der.
600 points, ended February 5, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Well , I know the contest is done but this is a poignant piece . Wonderful ambient .
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I like the personification that flow through the words here. It made me think of how many people could relate to this so well and put themselves in the place the writer takes them. Great work! I appreciate you taking the time and making the effort to enter my contest. Thank you and good luck!
♥ Touchof1der
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thank you Kimberley, When I saw your contest, it struck a chord with me and I had to enter, the subject matter and your outline were very intriguing, I am happy to receive an honorable mention as I know you are a tough task master when it comes to contests...peace Terry
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This was very thought provoking! In more ways than one! The subject is so interesting and can lead in so many different directions. Where ever our imaginations can go. I like that! Also you get us thinking even more with the alternate ending. It gives us another perspective to your poem. After reading both endings I think the first fits the best. It seemed to read smoother with the flow of your poem and fit the conext very well. I really enjoyed this!
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No I THINK the end that you chose is much better as it leaves the fact of old mistakes open as when you are drained both doors can become enhanced in depth.. I also love the way you have described the 'cranial stratoshere thoughts like thunder' sets the brilliance of atmoshere grandly and images the process of thought to a t of time well done
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good one..i liked this poem very much..so very deep...the ending u sugested is good..but somehow.i dont feel it would merge with the flow of the poem...
beautiful potrayal of the mind.very elaborate descriptions used.
--- vc
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I liked this alot..Lots of extremely good words and a sense of uniqueness despite its rather shortness and technically im someone who likes longer poems but this is short and to the point and I like it!
Very well done my friend, keep the words flowing as you do, you're very talented.
-Acronym
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Interesting poem. I especially liked the last verse. It was quite funny. A tired mind is an open mind? How interesting.
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Hiya unknown entry
For this comment i shall call you Marvin...
Hey Marv - hope you dont mind the informality - very creative how you compared one's inner emotions and turmoil to as the contest calls for shades of night - we are all stumbling - hopefully in the right direction,
enjoyed this
galfalfa
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well my friend as of late my compass has been pointing in the right direction, lets hope the wind doesnt change on me as I am not an able sailor
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this is a great with an interesting use of word, imagery and metaphor. it made for a great read. its beautiful. good luck in the contest
Shanelle -
Liked the flow and message of this poem - interesting way to look at the theme of this contest - check susceptible, and there's a double space after conjured. Liked the way you ended the poem on the theme - good conclusion.
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thanks for the comment and the heads up on spelling(stupid spell check)
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Excellent !!!
This was a pleasure to read!! You have great talent.. I am no pro to say the least but I am enjoying reading poems like yours that just blow me out of the water lol. thankyou and keep up the extrodinary work!! Semperfimom39
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To sleep perchance to dream..of what new day could bring with all the perceptions of fear in the night, it can be cleared in the light of day. Liked this very much. Good luck. One small error you left out the 't' in active
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thanks for the heads up on the spelling erros, glad you enjoyed it.
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