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A Lost and Condemned Soul

I'm a lost and condemned soul
Roaming the world unknown.
My punishment was here forever to stay
Cause I lived in a sinners way.

Blood stains are everywhere

Everyone has a lost stare.
Evil deeds are at their power

Approaches the final hour.

Silence kills me within
Death comes with its mournful bliss.
This World has driven me insane
Evil doers attain.
I roam the earth with no direction
I see no sign of affection.
Voices circle in my head
How I wish i were dead.
Monstrous visions fill the air
I only see despair.
Vengeance is written on their face.
What a horrid disgrace.
Horrible pictures fill my mind

And this is supposed to be mankind?
Why is it that i'm not sane
Is it just cause you proclaim?
What have we all become
The end of the world will come.
Am I really a lost and condemned soul
Or am I just a victim of this place that we call home?
And who would be to blame
Why aren't we all full of shame?
Maybe people that are not sane
Just see the world as it has become today.

Author notes

Ths is a poem that gives a bit of a different view on insanity. Is written in a certain form..ask if you want to know...Its dark with a twist. It shows how tragic life can truely be.

Option #1...

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 40 of 40

  • nobody knows me
    February 23, 2008
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    Thankyou for entering my contest good luck x


  • Laura-Critchley
    February 13, 2008

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    A very dark and powerful poem providing us with an interesting persepctive from an interesting perspective.

    Thank you for entering my contest.


  • leander Moderators member
    December 14, 2007

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    This is quite a dark poem that you have written here, showing quite some emotions within the words.
    I've tried to find out by myself what kind of form you have used here, but I'm affraid I have to tell you I failed miserably lol

    Anyway, I did notice the rhyming couplets in this poem, though here and there that seems to be off a bit (especially towards the end then)

    Anyway, if you could come back at me to tell what form you used, that would be greatly appreciated

    Thank you for entering this contest, I wish you the very best!
    Leander


  • Swintha
    October 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Although this poem was more about insanity there were elements of society. Those small elements I felt you present. It was quite a dark poem. well done.


  • Never Fall in Love
    August 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'm sorry, I couldn't get half-way through this poem without getting real bored.
    My first thought would be the the rhyme is forced. But what you are really lacking is flow throughout the poem.


  • xxMyBellxx
    July 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful write,deserving of an honourable mention for sure.


  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    June 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Ale E,

    First off, Thank you very much for your entry in my contest =]

    Second, What an incredibly powerful write !! So scary and something not alot of people can relate too. Absolutely fantastic write

    Excellent !
    Best of luck =]
    Stay safe
    ~Amanda


  • Lauren Noir
    May 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a really interesting veiw, it's really individula and unlike all the cliche insanity poems
    I'm drawn in at once and want to keep on reading into your mind and veiws

    It's been well thought through
    Well done


  • Timeless Wisdom silver member
    May 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting take on what the world has become and borderlining with insanity and chaos. Wonderfully penned.


  • duke of balabamas
    March 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    alrighty. a new take on insanity.

    ill start by saying that the title could really be worked on. its not really direct or to the point of the matter you wrote the poem about.

    furthermore, you chose to take on nonmetrical rhyme. this may not have seemed like much of a challenge, but it really is. you have to keep your audience from rushing to the rhyme, and i dont really think this poem did that.

    an immediate problem i had here was that "Death comes with its mournful bliss." has no rhyming counterpart. there seems no reason for it to not rhyme. its not some special line with in the piece from what i gathered, and if it were, it should have been seperated as ill soon get to.

    i find that with these types of pieces, its best to split the piece into stanzas. its really distracting just reading a series of couplets all lumped together without pauses and such. i would suggest finding the natural breaks and the more forceful lines in any attempts to work with the for.

    as for the flow, the piece was honestly lackluster, plagued by wordiness (the setback to not being metrical, but also the difficulty in metrical poetry).

    "My punishment was here forever to stay"

    "Why aren't we all full of shame?"

    there are a couple of example where it felt like you were really stretching it with your wording. it became a major distraction for me personally. the piece had some rough beauty to it, and the concept (relative sanity in an insane world) was a bit played out but still relatable. i really just did not think this poem was well executed.

    overall, the piece was really lacking in flow and form, and it really only held on to the fact that its content was somewhat relatable. this really needs some work and with such being said, id evaluate it at around 25/100.



    DS


  • RhiannonMari
    March 23, 2007

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    i agree. it certainly does give a different view of insanity. very intriguing.

    'And who would be to blame
    Why aren't we all full of shame?'

    i love those two lines. some very thought provoking questions. why can't we see what's right in front of our faces? the damage that's been done... perhaps it is that the insane, the 'retarded', the 'gifted' or 'troubled' are the ones who truly see things the way they are.

    good read! thanks and good luck!


  • babydoll--x
    March 23, 2007
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    amazing job
    awesome.
    best of luck

  • She Stole My Voice
    March 9, 2007

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    "Just see the world as it has become today."
    Great view on insanity love ♥

    Good luck in the contest!
    Keep up the killer work, take care, and keep on writing!

    ~Princess of Shadows~


  • KnightOfTheRose gold member
    March 2, 2007

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    Excellent!!! I really liked it! It gave a great view on insanity and I agree with you completely! Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest!!!



    -Steve-


  • ckwriter69
    February 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting write. You have asked guestions of how we view the world and how one struggles to understand the insanity of it. Are the insane actually sane and are the ones veiwed as sand actually those that are insane. Good write and thanks for sharing.

  • Cly
    January 31, 2007

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    Great write.

    I wish the poems my English teacher has us read flowed as well as your poems. Great write. Needs a little work (not that I have room to talk--I can't write poetry), but still good.

    ~Cly~


  • Starrchild777 gold member
    January 24, 2007

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    INSANE?

    This has got to be one of the sanest views I've seen penned here at AP. The straightjacket held before, cannot fit on when its already done up. If you purpose is to bring this insanity then u must twist some of those half-cliched lines and bring a bespeckled-strobe light to our eyes.
    ~*Starr*~ xx


    • Ale E
      January 24, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. I'm glad you found it enjoyable.


  • cruel kindness
    January 24, 2007

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    Why is it that i'm not sane
    Is it just cause you proclaim?
    amazing expression!!! and great poem...


    • Ale E
      January 24, 2007
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      Thanks. I really wanted to connect to people and put a twist on sanity.


  • redmarkonthewall
    January 23, 2007

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    Good

    Dark,but a good write. It weaves images through my mind, vivid ones. It has a powerful message portayed in it.


    • Ale E
      January 24, 2007
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      Thanks so much. It was dark but there was a strong message in it. Glad you found it enjoyable.


  • EatYourSunlight
    January 23, 2007
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    amazing. dude this is great i really liked it. its kinda like how i..well i think kinda how i write in a sort of way you know. i tried thinking of what part i liked the best but i think i just like the whole damn thing! its great, really great! props to ya!


    • Ale E
      January 23, 2007
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      Thanks. i'll take a look at some of your poems as well.


  • CrimsonRain1313
    January 22, 2007
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    sorry im not "replying" but i need points. lol. finally dude. we havent hung out in like...a long time. its depressing. really. lol. whats that? what kinda forum? and when r u shadowing?
    commentate mi poemz, kapeesh? i need comments. i have no frickin commentz.

  • CrimsonRain1313
    January 20, 2007

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    hmm. i dont think ive heard this one before. is this the new one? im gonna answer my own question and just say yes it is. this is awesome. i love the message it portrays.
    "am i really a lost and condemned soul
    or am i just a victim of this place that we call home?"
    i love love love that line. upside down and inside out. the crazies are really the sanes and the sanes are really the crazies. love it. nice work.
    ((luvv))
    ~Rain


    • Ale E
      January 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      yeah it is the new one....thanks....like i said....i wanted to give a new look and meaning to insanity...

      • CrimsonRain1313
        January 22, 2007
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        i like to live on the edge-a. bum bum bum bum bum. sorry i just saw the commercial. its really quite catchy. anywho, yeah itz kewl. i like it. d00d, i havent seen u in 4evr. whatzup w/that?


  • BrightEyes-
    January 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You have very nice wording here that makes it flow ever so nicely. The imagery is really amazing and yet, maybe it's just the style you used, but without stanzas it's hard to tell.. some of your rhymes weren't rhymes at all. They were either the same word or just, blatantly not rhyming. "become" and "come" for instant, certainly don't rhyme, and yet they are butted up against each other as if they do. And "bliss" and "within" certainly don't, and yet the same thing. Care to explain?

    -mandy

    • Ale E
      January 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Mandy

      Now as for your question: i started off my poem like this:
      line 1 and 2 don't rhyme but sound similar
      the 3rd and forth with rhymes
      lines 5 and 6 with out rhymes
      lines 7 and 8 with rhymes
      lines 9 and 10 with out rhymes
      from lines 11 to 22 they all are rhymes
      from lines 23 to 32 the same pattern repeats as of which i started off my poem.(with 2 lines that don't rhyme and then with 2 ines that rhyme)
      it's kinda complicated....i hope you get it.


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar silver member
    January 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I just a victim of this place that we call home?
    And who would be to blame
    Why aren't we all full of shame?
    Maybe people that are not sane
    Just see the world as it has become today.


    So tochy and so beautiful work is here dully filled with dry tears and the truth of this great life...The beauty of this write lies in its depth which is very intriguing and also bringing the variety of this life just in few words...The pace and structure is telling us the best impact of this work time and time again...The treatment and the compaison of the issues treated here are very relevant as well..A great heartfelt write ..


    • Ale E
      January 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you i am so glad you liked it.


  • tabbykat10988
    January 19, 2007

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    wow is my first impression... i love the imagry and the flow if the poem... it paints the picture of insanity very well... great job
    -tk


  • Georgia La Mariposa
    January 19, 2007

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    This is a reallt great piece of writing the language and structure is interesting and kept me reading the whole way through


    • Ale E
      January 19, 2007
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      Thanks for taking the time to read........


  • cherche -d -ame
    January 19, 2007

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    I guess this sort of questions the state of the world as it is now....all should carry a bit of the shame for letting it become what it is.May I suggest you go over the grammar though...there are a few of words that do not seem to fit in with the way they are intended to:
    i.e:this world has DROVE me insane = has DRIVEN ???
    and this is SUPPOSE to be mankind = SUPPOSED ????
    there are a few more like this.
    Also using the word "cause" instead of "because" does take away from the strength. Any editor and or publisher would agree with that. Besides those few things though , it does have potential to be a good socially conscious piece,
    reenie


    • Ale E
      January 19, 2007
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      Thank yo lots. I'll make sure to look it over. i'm glad you liked it.


  • DarkRedSky
    January 18, 2007

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    Well Written!

    I enjoyed reading this poem. It has a very vivid interpretation of the world. A suggestion, maybe you should add a comma between 'approaches' and 'the', in the eighth line. It would be grammatically correct for what you are trying to accomplish, right? Of course, don't feel obligated to change anything unless you want to, it is only my opinion. Great imagery and flow to this poem.

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