This is addressed to those
who write only inside the lines
because they fear what possiblities lie
beyond the chafing blue
racing stripes
The peeping tom was caught
staring through their wide-screen
(3 full meters!)
he caught her masturbating with
her husbands credit card
Alas, she is not alone--
The jews across the street wipe
with Well-Minted Hundreds
And the catholics next door
bathe in creams made from
Quarters
Both withheld from
and stolen out of
Sunday's offering
But fuck tithing-
I AM CAESAR!
I take my own weapons,
My own Gold
I Give to god what he earned, what he made:
two stone tablets;
I used their shards as
coasters for my Bud
But thats alright--he can have them
Maybe he'll use them
(I hear he likes wine)
No, it won't work-
I HAVE FOUND MY WAY TO BE DIVINE
and what was once mine shall stay mine
Twenty minutes ago i heard
A faint whisper:
"Eli Eli, Lem-..."
I stopped listening.
I let all the future cries
Fall on deaf ears.
Leave me alone,
I dine now and Forever
with dead presidents
Author notes
Inspired by Allen Ginsberg (sp?) and Walt Wittman. I almost apologize for those who found it lewd, but not quite, because i believe that without graphic images no writing in this world can move people anymore, and because it's not often i get to type the word "masturbating"
A contest entry
- Give me your best #2 by love my jose luis.
600 points, ended April 28, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I want criticism. Nothing politicly correct, tare this sucker apart.
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
-
this is fucking brilliant.
-
I DIG IT
I was ready for some of the usual Bush/America bashing criminal liberal bullshit so i was pleasantly surprised to read something very interesting and entertaining. The wife masturbating with a credit card was fucking great!!!! Nice way to descibe it. The whole piece really is something to be proud of. Never apologize for anything. If someones offended fuck em' they got too much time on their hands.
-
"thats" should have an apostraphe after the 't', the 'I' in "Twenty minutes ago i heard" should be capitalized, and your poem should have a shred of intelligence and originality.
-
Diversify
If your free verse was written to illicit reaction--you have it. Still, there is the art in the writing and that needs to be tightened up. I will leave you with some opinions from others because I can offer nothing else.
...wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.
--Ecclesiates 10:19
One man's religion is another man's belly laugh.
--Lazarus Long (Robert Heinlein from Time Enough to Love)
This may not be the best of all possible worlds, but to say that it is the worst is mere petulant nonsense.
--T. H. Huxley
P.S. In your next work, you might want to include Arabs, etc. Just to clarify--Jews don't meet for worship on Sunday. The word sabbath might be more appropriate. -
Well, for a start tare is spelt tear and using old cliches (rich Jews, corrupt Catholics) is not risque or even interesting.
Those points aside I enjoyed your poem. I do like the way you turn the tables - the peeping Tom is considered immoral, but what he sees is just as bad - I liked that angle. Interesting complete lack of compassion in the last few stanzas. I AM CAESAR is delightfully schizoid and also a nicely subversive nod to the Old Testament (I Am that which I Am). I have a feeling we would disagree on most things but nonetheless you have expressed your raging cynicism well. Your turning away from the tormented cries of Christ is interesting, terrible and very Nietzschean (have you read Thus Spoke Zarathustra). I don't know if Ginsberg or Whitman would have liked this but they're dead so...I guess it doesn't matter.
Leave me alone,
I dine now and Forever
with dead presidents
This is beautiful writing.
I suggest you use correct punctuation and all of that though, I hate all that text message inspired shit eg. i instead of I; husbands instead of husband's.
It is worthwhile to edit.
Well, hope you enjoyed your Weiser....Oh, and Jews don't worship on Sundays.
K. F.
P. S. "Eli, Eli, lema sabachtani" (forgive my spelling) is a great quote. I love hebrew.
-
-
p.s. you're not alone in your loath for text message jargon.
-
as to the use of "tare" rather than "tear," "tare" is an archiac for of "tear," and i am fond of using words considered obsolete or archiac, simply to show that because a dictionary says a word isn't useable doesn't make it true.
And, yes, Ginsberg and Whitman would probably not have written like this, however, their works that i read that day made this poem form in my mind, hence why it is "inspired" by them rather than written in their styles.
And i don't know how much e.e. Cummings you've read.. but i've learned that punctuation and capitalization are, essentially, optional to a degree. As to the one I that i left as "i", that was a typo. However, you may note that religious groups and propernouns are mostly lowercased, however money and first person is upper.
And, the reference to sunday had nothing to do with the Jews. As far as the stereotype goes, Jews don't get their money from not giving to the church, but from frugality and business. The use of Sunday is solely for the sake of the Catholics. -
-
I haven't read any E. E. Cummings. Surely husbands ought to be husband's if it is possessive? I guess the context fills it in. I like this poem even better on second reading...I can't be as hard edged and cynical as you are here, I'd like to count that as a virtue but I believe it is a fault. "Tare" hey, I hate it when that happens...I am always correcting spelling mistakes and then, every once in a while, I have to eat my words.
K. F.
P. S. Oh, and the confusion about Sunday comes from the fact that you say "BOTH withheld from"...though maybe you meant the creams AND the quarters...but then, tat doesn't make sense.
Anyways, good poem.
-
-
-
many types of maturbation, mostly it comes under the heading of Greed. Perhaps they are moved, momentariliy, arrested in their course perhaps, but inevitably the return to within themselves, their eyes sharp, their claws grasping. that which is upset, spoilt, left to stink on the side of the road, such samaritans pass with their fingers to their nose.
Once you have dug into the maturbation it will be seen as obvious, that it too is selfish. -
DIVINE
"I HAVE FOUND MY WAY TO BE DIVINE" I love that!
this was very well written, I think i detect a hint of sarcastic tone in it.
but then again the meaning of it all is lost on dead ears.
-
Provocative
I didn't find this write lewd, but rather worded in a way that best conveyed the message. also the imagery was superb and left nothing for the imagination. Great write! -
what cycnicym is left? could we become that cold and deaf to our neighbors cry for help
gosh I hope I die soon while people still attend a funeral with flowers. -
I think you could have pushed it the extra mile with a bit more crassness. Nowadays it's not all that blasphemous to mention misuse of money. So the Credit Card masturbation almost sticks out.
Either way, I love this. Bravo
-
hm..definitely crude, but yet you've managed to get the point across, so I'd have to say this is a nice piece of poetry.
Well done!
-
Ben and Al won`t be there
Washington,Lincoln,Jackson and Grant
Hundreds and tens are not yours to spend
Seventy-six dollars, makes you pant?
Live with your Mom, it might pay the rent
Leave you alone you say,OK -
I don't know whether I love it or hate it. I don't know whether it is great art or self-indulgent crap. I do know it is an attention-grabber, and I can hear the echoes of Ginsberg. Best of luck in the contest.
-
Oh my,this is in your face fast paced and punchy,lord knows I understand the need to question any and every religion that either hurts the believer or others in the belief of that name,let us all believe what we wishsh,but let us hurt no one for that belief.Between religion and politics man destroys and subjugates and is not strengthened by his need to make others bleed for his beliefs but weak in whatever market place he sells his wares and weakening his race.
-
Yay! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this =) Fantastic.
-
All the money hungry immoral power grabbing governments in the world would look at this and laugh in your face until....they want your vote! Then with smarmy voices they will appeal to the cause of freedom and peace in everyone and ask you to stand with them and make the world a better place, well maybe not George Dubya anymore, he's just way too far gone for anyone to truly care anymore.Had to come back and peek again because its just so damn good!
-
Very sharp writting and use of words...I love the way you used religion to get your point accross...discribing each one very well indeed...nicely done..interesting read, thanks for sharing
-
Ahahahahh
Ohhh... that was great. I loved how nonsensical it seemed at first and how... images arose that were quite ...eh, humorous. ^-^ And then your reason for those images - ahahh. But what I really enjoyed was the meaning behind it all really. Society bashing - those money-grubbing bastards - and saying so eloquently what you thought of the ten commandments, oh my, i think this made my day. I'm still laughing.
I also really liked the message at the beginning of this piece as well.
All in all great write. Definately one of my favorites. Bravo.
~Kiara Kuro - Teh Lovely Kelsey.~
-
Quite powerful & thought provoking, but a little obscure at first read.
Interesting, Suggestive in more than one way-the sexual & the wider domains of the omnipotent people/institutions etc alluded ( alewded)to.
I hope you affect changes. I agree it takes a lot to move people these days in this overstimulated, over-whatever world. Because of this trend- so much & so many face the opposite- erosion, denial, depression, destitution etc, etc, etc. Write on MacDuff! Et-tu Brutus? Classical images, give a timeless & real definition to the reality of immoral & almost unchallengeable nature of power & the powerful. The end of a life is a great leveller!
Babs Dee.
-
WOW.... I love this.
Why dose everyone say it's okay to be different, yet at the sametime no one treats you like it's okay? -
Different
Quite a shocking and abstract piece you have penned here, which is fine but a little hard for me to understand, sometimes. Shouldn't Jews and Catholics be Capitalized? LOL, everyone should be allowed to do their own thing. I thought the third stanza quite witty, but then, I'm a heathen
The last stanza is strong (if lonely sounding) and finishes the poem with a note of defiance. Kudos and best wishes in the comp!
-
-
ah, im glad you caught the capitalization. if you look back, while catholics, jews, and god are lower-cased, gold, well-minted hundreds and quarters are uppercased.
-
-
The saxophone is the heart of America
It's Eli Eli Lamma lamma sabacthani
call is the heart of each street
and it's soul is the march of the holy
-
Well my verdict is if your don't agree with it then don't read it, its ok to be different, if everyone agreed with everything then there would be no moving forward, no change, just nothingness, a robotic state who adhere to the principles of what the governments feed us. You resist the urge to do this and I agree with you, it may not unite everyone in its thoughts but it will make them think. As a poet you have done your job well.
-
NICELY DONE
SUCH AN ENJOYABLE WRITE. I LIKE IT.
POETDONTKNOWIT -
....wow
Adding your comment:
1 - 29 of 29
