I'faith, Beloved-
I may not tell you everything
I truthfully desire:
For one; it seems the choirboy fares
No better than the choir
(That the Master's a fickle bastard,
Notwithstanding)
Nor that I should feign
Sweet serenade
On Melancholy's lyre
Nor eulogise a sentiment
Of which I
Sorely tire
(Melody is malady
I fear)
But
My heart, ill-fated bark, alights
On tempests, far and near;
(The near ones hurt the dearest:
No less impetuous for an eye
No less auspicious, by the by, but
Erewhile, no less prone to tear)
And where
Ardour's muted timpani
With syncopated sympathy
Enjoins such
Acrid symphony, in
Accidental harmony
(Oh, hark at torrent euphony)
It's tantamount to empathy but
Less, perhaps, forfending
Fatal entropy
Yet here
The skies are clear
So wherefore tarry?
O Serendipity
My dear:
I would *thee* marry.
Author notes
A memento.
A contest entry
- I want to love you. by sweetpearl.
950 points, ended February 1, 2007, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Poems by Lj-.
300 points, ended June 10, 2007, 36 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - No Title: Just Come Have a Look by I-Am-Custard.
900 points, ended July 5, 2007, 41 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Last of The Summer Poets (I want to give points away) by jaffa-forbes.
624 points, ended August 25, 2007, 28 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best You Have (Round Two) by Xgeekdreamgonewrong.
450 points, ended September 25, 2007, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Keep My Heart Strong. by jessifer1792.
525 points, ended October 7, 2008, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
-
This was super-complicated, and I felt like I could understand bits and pieces of it, but altogether I'm not entirely sure what you were talking about. Probably all the big words at one time. Sure, I understand what most of them mean, but throw them all together and it's a lot to swallow..
Anyway, this was brilliant, I will say. Thanks for entering! -
This was a bit hard for me to read.
Good, yes. Very much so.
However, I believe if you edited your punctuation it would flow much nicer.
Good Luck! -
I love the style, flow, and wordchoice of this one.
-
thanks for entering. lots of metals I see
-
Good stuff. Nicely constructed. it certainly deserved it's trophies. Good luck.
jaff
-
Firstly I want to state that this is only my personal opinion. To begin with I think that you should address the issue of punctuation, as at present, the current punctuation does little to aid the flow and cohesion of the poem. Mainly, for me, it is the lack of any end stops and caesuras, that create the problem, as these tell the reader where to pause and allow emphasis on particular lines, whereas, at present, too many of the lines run on for no real reason. “But//my heart/Ill-fated bark/Alights//on tempests/Far and near/” I think would read much better as “But, My heart, /Ill fated bark, /Alights on tempests:/Far and near.” But I understand that this is a personal preference, and if you have deliberately chosen not to use punctuation then this is your choice, but it does alter how the reader reads the poem and understands its meaning. To this effect, I like the fact that you have chosen to use short stanzas, as it means that the reader only has to look for meaning within a few lines, rather than within the entirety of the poem, at one time. However within these short stanzas I would question the relevance of the brakes, which cause stand-alone lines, as these would, again, usually cause emphasis but within your poem, because the stanzas are so short that I think that it just causes confusion when read aloud.
As for your choice of language, the formal, almost bordering on archaic, language isolates the reader by making them have to really analyse every few words to gain some insight into the meaning that you were trying to get across. Personally I like the use of archaic language in poems, but hear I felt that, possibly because of other factors contributing to it, there was just a sheer confusion that left me baffled as to the meaning at the end. Don’t think that the ideas are very clear, and whilst the author might understand them, I think that they have been hidden too much behind long and complex words that don’t really mean anything to the outside reader. As after some extensive research I still couldn’t understand the message of your work I will not comment on it.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest and Good Luck.
Corvus Albicollis -
excellent
everything regarding this poem leaves me to wonder, wander about, the beauty that is poetry.
-
I'm not a fan of this old style language but I'm actually quite impressed with this. You pulled it off with a fluidity that was quite frankly surprising and I liked the train of thought structure you used.
This is a finalist, well done. Thank you for entering. -
Oh, my! A dark ages classical style!
I like the form. Is it a published one? Your word
choice and narrative builds to the last. Very good!
-
Wow, I love it. Nothing better describes this than wow.
I LOVED:
"Ardour's muted timpani
With syncopated sympathy
Enjoins such
Acrid symphony, in
Accidental harmony"
Awesome write. -
I thought this pretty well written and I like the theme and vocab you used in this poem. Message me if you want your score, thanks for entering. Include the name of your poem if you message me.
-
Your best work yet
- foxo
-
Great!
I read this one when I first entered the contest. This is some great writing. I would love to hear the idea behind this write. Fantastic poetry.
-
This is awesome. I like the format and everything. My favourite part:
"Ardour's muted timpani
With syncopated sympathy
Enjoins such
Acrid symphony, in
Accidental harmony"
--such beautiful words and rhythm was perfect. Thanks for entering and good luck. Truly amazing... -
The punctuation's funky and needs a little tweaking. If you're who I think you are, you probably won't change it. (If you're not who I think you are, please fix it- the semicolons are distracting).
I really like this. The language is interesting and the rhyme done well. Outside of the punctuation, the only thing I can think of that needs a little work is, "For one". I think it should be cut. There is no, "For two or three"- the narrator is obviously addressing someone specific, so if that line is directed at the person, not used as reasoning, it's unnecessary.
What I mean to say is, well done. It's a good piece aside from the semicolons. I'm glad I had the chance to read this. -
A beautifully crafted poem filled with great imagery. I love "(Melody is malady / I fear" and how you put "Ardour's muted timpani / With syncopated sympathy."
Thanks for entering!
DancingRed.
-
I do love this. It caught my attention and kept me reading, though I must confess that in conveying your message some pieces were missed. I'm certain you understood them very well, but as an outsider some of the word choices were more vague than precise. Just to let you know. Overall though, I did enjoy this piece. I loved the line, "For one; it seems the choirboy fares no better than the choir." Keep writing!-RMS
-
Such a heart-felt write! Wow... I do agree that some of the the one-lines come across more vague than deep, and nightciris put it so well.
Overall though, this is one of the best writes that I have yet read here on AP. I know that I still have so much to learn when I read ones like this!
Well done!
Burmina
-
I love your word choice and excellent use of alliteration, though sometimes your fragmented lines come across as more vague than deep. Though I do believe that the further along I read the better the poem became, to end with a climax.
~Elena -
A beautiful entreaty to a lady fair, this would send the pulse reeling if it were whispered soft and low. Lovely write.
-
Very good
This piece was great, good flow, great idea, good scheme...the piece drew me in instantly. I hope to be looking at more of your work in the future, your style is very cool!
Keep writing,
Adam
-
I'm pretty sure that's more than 20 lines (as per the contest rules). LOL. But I liked it, so I don't care
Adding your comment:
1 - 22 of 22
