as I wander the catacombes of perceptions
perched precariously on window ledge
of mind filled moments that led me here
it strikes me that I have never been
the right age at the right time
in days of breasts that budded
& peeped through school blouse
made of embarassment
I was old head on young shoulders
dismissing ballet lessons
to meet regularly
with pain I could compartmentalize
cover to cover between Anne Frank
& the race of germanic death vultures
to but understand
in the naievity of youth
that perhaps, perhaps
I could stop crusade of death
jack-booted by teutonic men
in khaki green
in days of breasts swollen with desire
& hung from the sway of me
motioned by hips of men
that only got inside cavity
leaving me empty as cup drank from
I met myself in moments
wanting to return to spinning top
& hula hoop & not be kneaded
into slab of dough
needed time to be me
& the window of the world
screamed from boxed death
in the corner of the lounge
on full volume
even when turned off like me
as I became Vietnam
invaded by white squirted seed
as men stood up
to meet the reaper of too soon
in days of breasts suckled flat
as saddle-bags
feeling like vacuum flask
I was in my prime
like beef they said
yet I felt older then
for in the duality
of living twice
had already died inside
on no-mercy street
of haven of mouth fed
mouth shut
particles of me bled
grey in the irony
as waving banners for peace
inviting it to reside in me
& men rifled dreams with shot
taking me to the ground
for a purple heart to declare
that a mother somewhere
had the umbilical cord
sliced from life
in days of breasts cosseted
by arms across body
in the comfort zone of self
held tight & rocked
in the wood of chair
facing forward thinking back
in the judgement of human race
skinned by division
I aged with present
& with history
in days of breast plate
in the grim of reapers call
I long to beat chested spleen
& scream like tarzan & swing
to places held not by this
by this weight of limbs
this coil of serpent
hissing behind smiles facade
bricking emotions
sealing me in
tea cups rattle nerves
served sugary sweet
as no one knows which words
may tongue-trip pleasantries
ripping reality
& I can't swallow more of this
planning flowers plucked from earth
to make your death fit pretty
& have I got black to wear
to match the cauldron of despair
yes jet slipstreams veins
colours me monochrome
sinews snap like venus fly trap
hold violins screech and wail
in platitudes preached
please only speak to me
if you can change paced floor
& need to foetal curl
into anything, anything but this
day night telescoping of breath
no longer breathed at will
but duress of purple silk
lined casket cloaking still-life
so this is full circle then
to find more sap to grow legs
that will not buckle
& bend in the unsteadiness of how
to walk and where to go
& how to get back
when I was not sure before
death fisted me
how forcefully
the slamming shut
leaves shades of grief
in coffin-lidded time
Author notes
The style signifies a change for me as I explored all ages and all pains known within one poem ( though lengthy!) as opposed to focusing on one age/one pain/one circumstance.Constructve critique welcomed.
In a list
A contest entry
- 50+ lines, prewrites welcomed by exalted.
900 points, ended August 12, 2007, 33 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My Favorites Only (please enter, you don't have to do much at all!) by Dienush.
2300 points, ended November 1, 2007, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bones contest by bones7.
490 points, ended January 31, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - FreewritePrewrite by Ryno.
300 points, ended June 5, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by malvolio.
400 points, ended October 26, 147 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 45 of 45
-
One of the things that grabs me about this piece is how obvious the topic you are discussing at the first is but yet the reader continous to ponder exactly what it is you are talking about because it is so out there. And on top of that the metaphor... well the overall structure of the piece is very literal and easy to follow but at the same time this piece has so many depths to it and even though I didn't understand them I felt as though I may.
I like the idea of the write and the very powerful venture of emotional aspects! Lol.
Nice write
Thanks for the entry.
-
Stunning. I am still somewhat in shock from reading this raw, powerful, and wonderful poem. You are the best.
-
-
Thankyou again! I am delighted that you read this lengthy piece, thankyou for reading and commenting
-
-
nicely written thanks for sharing.
-
I highly enjoyed this poem. Especially The last stanza of
"Death fisted me"
"How forcefully"
Just wonderfully strong adjectives.
-
lovely
loved 1st part and then it gets a bit too mild
-
WOW!!! FANTASTIC!!!
what a wonderful write from you. congratulations on the gold. i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie -
Wow. This sounds pretty much like your current style to me, but I agree with you that is very personal and very complex. It says as much as could be said and it held my attention all the way (which doesn't often happen with longer poems). The tone in this seems to be rather objective, though personal and written in first person, almost like a diary. It's like you observe yourself, but in a way that could be deemed universal. I think many people could relate, and yet this is only your experience. I enjoyed it very much that you could both tell it pretty much like you mean it, but still word it beautifully and insert some clever images and metaphors. I also liked the way it sounds, i.e. the alliterations which make for an even better flow. I see why this piece means much to you. Thanks for entering my contest.
~Diana
-
a well deserved win
-
i really can't say anything other than amazing, becuase it would all sound like pandering or generic pre thought phrases
-
the telling of a life and then ending it like this
how forcefully
the slamming shut
leaves shades of grief
in coffin-lidded time
is awesome -
oh and applause, even though i usually don't give it out in contests
-
WOW is the first thing that comes to mind while reading this. what an amazing piece you have created, i have no idea how anyone can come up with this much imagery for one piece and i am on the edge of idolizing you for that, whoever you are.
i love the return to the image of the breasts, a symbol of feminimity, growth, and i suppose grace even. my favorite line has got to be "dismissing ballet lessons to meet regularly with pain i could compartmentalize" but there are so many great ones here. this is a great piece, thanks for entering
cassidy -
how forcefully
the slamming shut
leaves shades of grief
in coffin-lidded time
Hey..you are stunning with your pen here..I am speechless and It is all a thought provoking material to my mind..well done my friend...
-
this was a long winded write but then again it needed to be to get the point across. i REALLY LOVED the imagery that this painted. thank you soo much for sharing.
. Rewarded 4
-
wow this is deep.
Your words here are really intense and moving. I am very moved by this piece.You surely draw the readers attention giving so much emotion. I dn't normally read long writes, but you should enter this as part of a novel....You are truely a great poet. Thanks for allowing me to read and comment on this art.. great job... -
interesting
To take the jounery you offered was real when we stop and realize all that encounter us rather good or bad. The emotions were very real
. Rewarded 4
-
A most interesting poem...
-
where you get your ink from? it's magical
awsome wright.. quite long but still very good.
keep the ink flowing
-
damn good
Wonderful poem,well written,nice flow. Good Job and keep writeing -
Well penned
Not a big fan of reading long writes, but I thought I'd check this one out...and I have to say, it captivated me all the way through. Pen on poet, and all the best!
-Timothy aka poeticweaver -
Thank you for reading "Prosperity." I thought your comment was bang on. I guess I feel that way because it agreed with my own feeling about that one, ha! As to this one, I was frankly a little intimidated by the line length, but the more I read of it the more I liked. It's fascinating, isn't it, that we take adulthood so seriously when we are young, and seem to rediscover our childhood - or at least oyur desire to have one - so frequently at a later age. That happened to me, and I suppose it's happened to you, too. The trick, it seems to me, is to navigate a happy course between a painful, serious past and an optimistic present. Jesus said we should approach and accept the Kingdom of Heaven as children, but then again, he died to get his message across, right? I truly enjoyed your poem. Please keep in touch! - ocerus
-
wow
great metaphors ...good wording...smooth to read...i like the blouse peek ,embrassing ...brought back memories that stillmake me blush ...tc and peace katie -
Lots of potential !
Since I'm unfamiliar with the poetess Sexton, "M2U",I should likely just "zip-it!"...but since I did clic on a featured poem - you paid your penny so here are my thoughts: This work, after a couple of readings, seems like a good first draft. There are lots of explosive passages and plenty of passion balanced with your reflections.Somehow, though, I thought the poem could be more cohesive and lead to a more definative punch...but then if I ever read Ms. Sexton I may think the same of her!
. Rewarded 8
-
one of the best i've read on this site
this poem was compleetly amazing, its realy nice, keep up the good work -
as I wander the catacombes of perceptions
perched precariously on window ledge
of mind filled moments that led me here
it strikes me that I have never been
the right age at the right time
incredibly deep and completely mesermerizing! great job...one of the best poems I have read lately. Thank you for sharing your awesome talent. You should be proud of this! peace and light always in all ways, Kendal
-
I really liked how you tied in the different physical phases of life with the emotional, and the rawness of the entire piece. It was sophisticated, but still angry and laden with emotion, good job.
. Rewarded 4
-
Wow. I thought this was a very nice piece. Good job, you must have spent a lot of time writing this. Good job and I hope you keep writing!
AmberAngel546
. Rewarded 4
-
Very unique piece you have penned here. I like to see writers use unusual words. I think many of us believe we lived lives before us. The phychic Sylvia Brown claims we have lived lifes before but thisisour last one. Very good write. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing.
Rose
. Rewarded 6
-
I liked it, definitely something ill never be able to relate too but it was written so i could at least see the emotion of a women, good job
-
Such a powerful and richly written piece . . . This is the first poem I have read of yours, but I will be back for much, much more . . . this I promise. Nicolette and Cannonsfire have been very kind to me and they have just added you to my list of favourites.
. Rewarded 4
-
Inspiring to read by a writer!!!
second stanza was completely written so well, I had to run thru a few times before I could move on, and then when I was through and felt that jubiation of a great read, I still had to go back to that stanza!!!!!!!!!
. Rewarded 4
-
What a wonderful write, this totally engrossed me from beginning to end, you have captured life in full circle so well, I feel like sometimes I have missed so many boats of life too, well done
Karen -
This is simply exquisite writing, TRULY! When I came to the Anne Frank references and then onward through time in this poem, it was just reading EXACTLY WHAT A POEM SHOULD BE.
I haven't read much of Sexton myself--But I know of some of her writings. This not only takes on Sexton somehow theme-wise, but it so especially written in your own voice with her influence.
Have I told you that I adore this poem yet? I do, and each and every poem of yours is getting better all the time.
Jo
-
NO WAY ......
this is just about giving me a heart attack......splendid form.....content heavy.....very thougth provoking....strong imagery especially the German.....Vietnamese image.......wow truly a tour de force....the loss....evolution.......capture you have so incredibly portrayed....i must say that if you have published...or will in the future i would totally buy your art.....and the funny thing is that i hate poetry so this read...and the fact that i keep on coming back for more of your words......unusual and very unique....
wow best of luck for your contest...thank you.....best, radical
. Rewarded 4
-
this is a great piece of work! very complex and the meaning is deep rooted!
You're wording was phenomenal in this piece and the over-all poem was extraordinary. You also incorporated nice imagery, and it was an extraordinary read.
-
Wow
Your images are so sharp and your metaphors and similes so sure that they cocooned me in your wonderful poem. Thank you.
. Rewarded 4
-
Whoaaaaa.
Beautifully written. Wonderful in it's flow. Painful in it's reality. You have done an excellant job with this write. Absolulety astounding.
*Go with God*
valerie
-
In the spinning universe dear sis you are one of a kind, that you can related the passing of time in your life to the things that affect us about humanity and inhumane treatment of self and of others. I have to go find that new box of tissues to cry a little on your page of history's pain.
. Rewarded 4
-
The shudder and shake of life and the inhumanity of man in foriegn places but also at home. In this universe where we are fortunate to find a piece of Eden, you spin your topsy turvey tale of feeling at odds with age and place. Yet through it all you come across as someone who was at a loss if she was asked to be other then who she was and to care less then with all her heart.
It is so obvious that yu never learned to love with less than all your heart. It took a while to become less serious and dance to dance and chase butterfies around the course. You charm my heart in the early parts, tear and pull at it in the later half, but still caught in the center of all your words is the fact you will always love no matter what the cost. Love, Tom B.
. Rewarded 4
-
I wasn't expecting a piece as lengthy as this. lol. But have to say I was pleasantly surprised NOT to be bored (as I often find myself when a poem exceeds 50 lines on this site lol). You, however, have an incredible grasp of metaphor and imagery that always seems to leave me craving more, even if I've only recently run across (and become a big fan) of your work. The second to last stanza was my all-time favorite
-
Deep
Reading your poem twice just to make sure I understood in full, was an interesting adventure into a new world for me. I love this type of poetry, but I seem to get capyured in it so much that I am not your best reader. With you knowing that, I do love this so. It is written with the professionalizm of a truly talented poet to bring the most to the reader. Good luck in the contest, Don
. Rewarded 4
Adding your comment:
1 - 45 of 45
