It was a saturday, I'm sure.
The two of us
playing friends
on the edge of a fishing lake
on the edge of everything
watching ducks
swirl water
with orange webbed feet
and somewhere between
silence and goodbye
he spoke
mixed up his words
until they sounded too much
like love, like clasping
collars around
my cunt
and calling it owned;
waited like sunday
and an afternoon chicken fry
for the words
to rebound
smack him on the forehead
until the tap of my shoes
left echoes
where my heart should have been--
love doesn't swallow well
lumped thick
with bullshit.
Author notes
ignore the almost rhyme in the last 2 lines. They are a mistake, I tell you... a mistake! Eh. Not really.
Title is a play of words from a featured piece earlier today. Sometimes I feel like smacking people and their ever optimistic look at such a fairytale word. Love... ppfft.
Clasping collars or tying ribbons? Or neither? Come on... give me a critique. I'm a big girl (sort of) I can handle it.
I just like the note section. Can't ya tell?
A contest entry
- Snapshots by FindingFate.
475 points, ended January 25, 2007, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
endings... oh, how we wish we could change...
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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yes , I can tell you are a big girl. Only big girl can do so well in bringing skepticism into words, yet maybe just questioning it a tad (collars or ribbons), who knows. Neither at times, at others one or the other, or both at the same time. Excellent job here and best wishes in the contest. I liked your note almost as much as the write,
reenie
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Accidental rhyme is not a crime...
I prefer to think of accidental rhyme as "natural rhyme" as in that which comes naturally for the author to write from heart without any constraint,it does not detract from freeverse as it is natural,whereas forced rhyme,that may be almost a crime when the reader can tell immediately that the writer could have used so many other words but has chosen one with the same "tune" to fit...
This piece is another fine example of how you imbue imagery,philosophy,poignancy with a sassy attitude.Often it is only at the second read through that a yet another deeper meaning as felt and that's great as the first grabs the reader and commands understanding and deserves it,had to bookmark halfway through first read and come back as something cropped up and am glad I did.Particularly liked "on the edge of everything" and "playing at being friends" you have this ability to have depth without using words that are mulled over but impact immediately,poetry without pomp but circumstance and a pleasure to peruse.
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gosh you motormouth no pun intended...
everyone yells at me when i say the 'c-word' in a poem, but hell, you make it look good, why can't i...
i didn't even notice the almost rhyme, so no worries.
this is stellar
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Thank you.
I think we should use cunt often and proudly.
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lol, i do, just not always in poetry
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Powerful
Well take off the rose-colored glasses and hear the crunch, eh? lol.
I really enjoyed this piece, and your comments too! lol.
This stanza;
"mixed up his words
until they sounded too much
like love, like clasping
collars around
my cunt
and calling it owned"
I think you could delete the second 'like' and just say clasping collars. Love the imagery; crude but delectably
delicious.
And the last stanza;
Though it's in the title, and I didn't mind it, but have to wonder if you need it. I like the previous stanza for the ending. Just my opinion though...and you did ask
As usual I always find your pieces highly relatable, talented, and intensely you.
Excellent choice for this contest.
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Thank you. :)
Actually, I don't think I need the last stanza. I really didn't when I wrote this... but threw it in there as an afterthought, really.
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WOW
You are so amazing...
"until the sound of my shoes
left echoes
where my heart should of been--"
so amazing...
Lynda
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This is probably my favorite of yours to date (though the nazi grammar whore in me hates that you used "should of" instead of "should have" lol). Seriously, the opening is so incredibly strong, and I sat here bitching to my husband that I didn't write this and how friggin' jealous I am now. And of course, you enter it in a contest I'm in. You so suck.
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It was the cunt in it, wasn't it?
You know... I know it is suppose to be should have. It's always suppose to be should have, but it sounds so alien to me. I guess because I never hear 'should have'. We hillbillies in Ohio almost always use should of (or more aptly 'should ah').
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Yeah, I think the cunt had something to do with it
And, I think I'm even too lazy for that. For me, it's always "shoulda" lol. It's just run together all in one word.
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Ribbons? God, no.
clasping collars is way more original. I'm surprised at you for even suggesting tying ribbons. It's so high school.
As for the content, bravo to you!
I love being a cynic, don't you? -
there is a lot of 'cunt' going around lately, you and Ana have both had me reading it. lol
collars definitely works better than ribbons, ribbons gives it too pretty a feel.
raw and visual. truth and reality. you rock.
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Thank you.
You know, I rarely used that word until recently. I don't know if it is reading Ana, or what... but now it sneaks into my speech quite often.
LOL Sadly, tying ribbons is what I first jotted down, and then went with the 'collars' to work with cunt.
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...and raw? How many times have I said that about you...lol.
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LOL I knew I couldn't actually enter something in one of your contests without it being raw. Snapshots I think I have down pat, but sometimes the romantic (or nostalgic) me slips into a piece.
Thank you.
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I love you...really I do. You know how to write perfect snapshots and I am always so impressed with your writes. I am so glad you made it in...Trina
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Nah, you can't handle it. You don't want to handle it. Too slippery.
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I'm female. Us bitches can handle anything. Well, most of us, that is.
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That fine balance is sooo hard to come by, ain't it?
This is raw
I like raw
Your poems have attitudes
d
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Thank you.
LOL I think the attitude just carries over. I don't actually think I started writing with the idea of attitude, but my 'angry girl' one just slid on in.
Somedays I wear pink and blush pretty. Those are the days I want something.
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This is a harsh moment shared in full detail....naturally moves through the images and the emotions. The grit of the poem does not go with ribbons, at least in my opinion, so I would stick with collar. That's my vote. It looks like a great contest. I think I will sit this one out. Good luck with it!
This poem looks like a serious winner to me.
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Thank you.
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