the man begged and sorryfully pleaded
but his sorrowness hadn't succeeded
he ran for glorious sanctuary in the church
he made it in and they stopped the search.
he ran straight to a beautifully carved pew
he knew exactly was glorious thing to do
so he kneeled put his hands in position and prayed
"please god forgive me for all the hell I’ve made".
"I didn't mean to horribly kill them all"
"I wouldn’t have thought the explosion would penetrate the wall"
after he was done he knew what sinless thing to do
he burst out of the door they all looked at the man with woo.
he went to his knees and cried
he cried for all those kids that died!
he looked in the distance and still saw smoke
they hadn't put the fire out on the school he broke.
Author notes
snowboardingnut
In a list
A contest entry
- Level One: Difficulty: Painless by IndividualEleven.
600 points, ended January 29, 2007, 182 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Truth of Life contest Round ONE by xandercheerios.
450 points, ended June 17, 2007, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Wow, this is good! I definitely look forward to reading more poems on this theme (hope you DO want to go forwards into the next rounds) This is an amazing poem, and it's rhyming, there's no forced rhymes (other than woo) and I love a good rhyming poem. I just noticed in the first verse two words... sorryfully probably should be sorrowfully, and sorrowness can be just sorrow. 2nd verse 2nd line should be "what" not "was". That's about it, and you should be able to change those easily.
As an afterthought, you'd think God would be capitalized, if the man is praying... good luck -
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ty =)
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Powerful imagery and wonderfully raw story , but i found the flow a tad rough and uhmm ok then... "sorrow ness?" it detracts from the whole piece from that line on. Smoothe it out, should u so choose and find a better word for in there and it will read much better, however just my idea, this is your poem and if u like it then so be it!!
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tyvm
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This was interesting. I liked it.
I'm not sure what you mean by line two of the first stanza:
"but his sorrow ness hadn't succeeded."
Good luck!
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well
idk what i ment either =p but it just felt right...so i did it tyvm for the comment!!!
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Ouch
Emotions is strong here, one could cry after reading, very well done, leaves a sense of forgiveness though, which is a great message.
thanks for entering - Jacen an IndividualEleven.
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tyvm
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