do you know that little girl
looking happy
as if nothing heard
drunk and gone
to another land
escaping reality
the best way she can
knowing nothing about sympathy
or any kind of truth that heals
life is just a path of lies
hiding and running is all that counts
she was lost in a maze
no way to get out
all she could do was pretend she could fly
the way to the bottle was easier
then anything she'd ever done
now she is gone
she can never be found
do you know that little girl
lying helpless on the ground
Author notes
late night spelling out
A contest entry
- Raven Qualifier - Culture: Religion, Society and Politics by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 84 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITES!!!!!! by Luminescence.
450 points, ended March 5, 2008, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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I had a hard time getting through the middle part, but it the last line really sold me. the imagery of loneliness and abandon... the point where getting drunk with your friends stops being funny. great ending.
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wow... this is very touching because i can connect with it. My uncle is an alcoholic and its very scary that he doesn't live near us anymore because we can't watch him.... we worry all the time... and he has changed so much....
great poem... it really was
Thank you for entering our contest and good luck
~Lumin
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Hey. I'm sorry, but you didn't make the finalists list. This was a great write, but I have to be strict because of all the entries. This was still a great write though. Good luck to you in future contests!
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great write about how there are those children out ther who have almost nothing. I like the flow of the words, but the format threw me off at the end. other than that, it was absolutley great!
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perceptive
yep...so many young ones lying on the ground..how well you see this and create a vein..something for us to worry about..great write..p
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it truely is something to worry about, there's a lot of trubbled minds out there...
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There are so many things in life that people, especially youngsters, have to face and deal with and in some cases those issues appear insurmountable and alcohol becomes a form of release from the intensity of tormenting thoughts. The author of this poem indicates this so clearly and ties in strong images which allow the readers imagination to form this cold dark scene. I think the lines “drunk and gone / to another land / escaping reality / the best way she can” portray the utter desperation of the situation, which is reinforced by the line “all she could do was pretend she could fly” where she commits suicide and finally escapes the struggle and torment. I’m sure there are many readers who will associate with the intense feelings in this poem.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry!
Northern Raven
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I liked the connection you drew between "the bottle" and the "loss" (reads like the world's loss, dramatic and well done) of the little girl. But, truthfully it felt like she was "lost" (using the poem's sense of the word) before she ever picking up any sort of.... coping mechanism.
Works like this one showcase how easily it is for us to forget that people are not always "ok" even if they seem it. Most importantly we should all be reminded that the feeling of invulnerability that is so often associated with youth sometimes has less to do with arrogance and more to do with self-preservation: a save vs. the harm the world can so callously do.
This piece gives all its readers a picture of a reality too quickly forgotten about; there is something worthwhile there.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
i do know that little girl thank you for this piece
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Very powerful write full of feelings. It pulls the reader into the writer world. The image of the girl gives it a timeless feel. Now she it gone, she can never be found gives a very sad feel to the write. One can identify with the girl and her troubles. The imagery is powerful one can see what you are saying. You have portrayed one of the many issues in society today. very well done.
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Wow! that was short and to the point very good job
thanks for entering and good luck ~S -
Wow, have to say I adore this and totally understand that feeling, which may not be a good thing, but I do. andddd I dunno. I just love how you portrayed those feelings. Awesome, awesome write.
Madison
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Interesting. I do like this but I would love to be able to feel for this girl and identify with her. I know you probably have the idea in your head but this girl is not much to the reader. I would say show instead of telling. show her hiding and possibly even becoming scarred in the process. That's an idea to explain what I mean. What I am trying to say is: elaborate. Where is she hiding? how is the maze coming into the picture? The second stanza would be better left out because everything besides it fits together. It seems you are talking about this girl specifically and go off on a bit of a tangent there. Otherwise, I think you have a great base and great ideas. I would just tweak it a bit.
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impressive
I think one relates to a poem/write if they have had similar experiences...With this I shall say....I am, was, can be that little girl. Drinking was always easier than dealing with reality...but...was it? is it?? Great job here....I love the title...reminds me of one I am working on...called What happened to that girl....
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this is a very powerfull write and flows well,keeping the readers interest all the way through, this is a very strong subject as here in the uk we have campaigning against drunkeness,one of the adverts tell us that rape is more likely to happen to a drunken girl as she is not in full control of herslelf
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You've written a very contemporary piece of poetry...
Every word held me to the next, and this is not easily
done with me the majority of the time. You managed
to write about a very sad topic without being overly
sappy, and I like that. Good work, Poet...Love, Lane -
This is a very powerful piece, so full of meaning. I loved it! Those last two lines really hit you and the entire poem pulls at your heart. This is so very sad and you've have captured something very true here and expressed it beautifully.
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Awsome!!! I love this poem. I can really relate to this poem personally that is probably why i got touched by it so much. You are an awesome writer and you have a lot of talent keep up the good work!!
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. Another magnificent poem to your collection. This is a great poem. I love it all... the poem, the background, the topic....it's all great. there is a depth and undertone to this that goes and flows excellently. keep writing......you have a lot to offer. Best of wishes to you. good luck in all that you do....peace always in all ways.
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Truthful
I found this piece well crafted and thought provoking.
I especially found the last verse powerful."Do you know that little girl lying helpless on the ground".It is a sad,sad poem and more so because there is alot of truth in it.A powerful piece.
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oh i feel more than a few people know her well. You have captured with the expresive descriptions of your lines and tugged at the heartstrings of your readers till the crescendo of the ending. A powerful post yet you held a touch of sadness feuled with a reality. Escape from the horrors of life drowning in the escape . I see you've been on my keyboard too damn typos ...sympathy to you....This is a nicely penned poem and I thnk you for the pleasure
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Inspiring.
wow, you really caught my emotions with this!!!! You have really provoked me almost into believing I have a drinking problem, and that's not very easy for a writer to accomplish, but with your thoughts here you have indeed just done that to me. And I don't even drink alcohol of any kind!!!!! Mastery at Work!!!
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A lovely piece with an amazing, killing, ending. I liked how most of the piece just flowed...it paints such a horrific picture.
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To me it seemed the ending stanza was the first part of the poem that you came up with, as everything seems to centre and build up to the fact this little girl is lost and helpless. The tone was saddening and I think you used the right diction to describe the situation.
The only critisism is the third line "as if nothing heard" doesn't make sense. Maybe you meant "as if nothing was heard" or "as if she heard nothing."
Good overall, thanks for sharing. -
The final stanza drops such a bomb on you, it's so- it almost tears you apart to have to hear that.
I love the mentioning that she is a 'little' girl, and that can contrast anything; the fact that she is young for what she is doing to herself, wasting away, or that the bottle is bigger than she is, or ever will be.
Bravo!
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This is very sad and touching...I know at some point we have all felt like this in our life wanting and waiting to become alive again.
Kari -
deep
this poem is really well written and it flows really nicely. a deep subject that you express really well here. good job on this poem and keep writing
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wow intresting drunk piece... I really like it... specially the life is just a path of lies hiding and running is all that counts... really true and very well put... congratulations... you see drunkness somehow gives you words... oh and finally I don't know that little girl lying helpless on the ground... or maybe I just don't remember her... great job
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This poem is very visual. I can really seeing this girl struggling through life and getting lost. It reminds me a lot of my life, the way I have stuggled so much. The poem really touches my heart. I really felt something. I think that the poem shows what path struggles in life can take a person down. It also reminds me of how a person will do just about anything to manage to forget the bad things and struggles that life has handed you. It is a sad and heart-felt poem. You show great skill. Keep writing.
Felicity
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Excellent
This poem really paints a picture for me,
It tells of a girl who has undoubtedly been hurt alot in life, and has thus become just a shell, a shadow of the former person. It also tells of the need to escape life, to do anything and everything to forget your troubles and pain, even if only for a few fleeting minutes. And, inevitably, what that path has brought her to.
An excellent write. Wonderful imagery in this piece, you truly did an excellent job on this, keep up the writing!
BK
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I like it
I often feel the same way about my life and it seems like i should just go away. I like it.
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