Echoes
in my head bounce
making me feel
scatter- brained.
It sounds like
the repetition of these thoughts
are suppose to be here,
but there are so many.
I never know which way is right
or left
i can not even tell you right
from wrong.
My mind is a mess
like gray lead from a pencil
scribbled all over algebra homework-
erased
with the past of what I thought was this
and that,
but the black marks remain
and it kills me
like my heart is
beating
itself with a metal baseball bat
with spiked daggers
around its edges-
like my personality.
The pain is tolerated
but the more of it that's in,
the more pressure there is-
just ready to explode
like the hindenburg.
I'm just waiting-
for the flames to fly;
titanic to sink again;
the golden gate bridge
to fall.
After the party
balloons finally pop
I'll finally be happy.
No more will I sit
on the broken bus stop's bench,
waiting for a plane to crash.
Author notes
~for the dense people: what I am talking about in general, is no more will I sit on the broken bench.. (the bad side of life) waiting for a plane to crash (something bad to happen)
A contest entry
- Poetry Face Off... Girls Verse Boys~ Round Four by Whispered Devotions.
450 points, ended February 2, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Phenomenon #2 by Ryno.
300 points, ended February 9, 2007, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The "point" is? by Nicole Hanna.
2100 points, ended February 23, 2007, 58 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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In the first stanza, "back and forth" isn't necessary when you have "bounce". I mean, the reader can suppose it bounces back and forth since a ball, for instance, in a close small space will, in reality, hit one wall and then the other... back and forth. It's an instance of unncessary imagery. Instead of telling us it's making you feel scatter-brained, simply state it as fact. "I am scatter-brained". Therefore, the first stanza would read something like "Echoes in my head bounce. I am scatter-brained." etc.
In the second stanza "sometimes" doesn't work. It feels like you are very undecisive in the images and emotions you want to express in the poem. "Sometimes", "sort of", "kind of", "suppose", these are all words that suggest, but have no real definitive strength. Also, I believe "suppose" should be "supposed to be here".
All of your "i"s are not capped, so you might want to make it one or the other, upper or lower case, to create a decent consistency in form and style.
"My mind is a mess" feels repetitious, because you already told us you were "scatter-brained" in the first stanza. You could edit the lines following to read a little more succinct and stronger by cutting a few words out. "like algebra penciled and erased". It's succinct, but a powerful image.
You don't need phrases such as "it kills me". Instead describe how that symbolic death feels like. "it kills me like_______" etc. "it hurts like_______".
I like the concept of the poem. It really just needs a few instances of editing out phrasing that sounds repetitive and unnecessary to create that strong tight flow -
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I changed it.
Feel free to throw some more advise at me. You arrogant bully 
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I'm only arrogant because I'm a supreme being. On that note, just call me Goddess Divine.
mwahahahahahaaaaa
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lol Okay Goddess Divine, I will now worship you, and bow down. *bows*
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Ah yes... one more to add to my list of disillusioned followers. LOL
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Whhhaaaaaa??? *dumbfounded voice* *eyes are circling in spirals- hypnotized*
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Awesome- for critical comment. I needed one of these.
I'll edit some things, without defeating the purpose of my intentions.
Thanks
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Oh yeah, by the way, it flows SO much better now. I really like it. I had to go back over it a couple times because it all seemed to happen so fast now.... which is good given that you start with the scatter-brained feeling. Makes it all feel a little frantic
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great
Enjoyed this piece very much. great depth of imagry and emotion. Loved it. Hugs, Bunny
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I really like this poem of yours, Tyler. The only thing that turns me off to this is the use of similes so much. Similes, to me, add a lot to a poem, but they can also hinder the message if you put too many or get too detailed.
Other than that, I really enjoyed reading. I'll come back to this one soon. -
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I completely agree with you.. 100%.
The poem is personal to -me- so you might not understand why I put what in there.. but that wasn't for you to understand, those are my own issues covered up by the similes and metaphor. So it is ok that you don't understand. I am happy you liked it though.
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I've already commented on this before Tyler. So you already got my thoughts
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oh my I just read the other comments and this is no other than TY??? Really?? I mean you are an amazing poet don't for one second think that I am surprised you wrote such a gorgeous poem because I am not. I am surprised, however, that this one in particular is yours. I mean it just didn't seem like your normal poetry; however, it read naturally and it didn't feel the least bit forced. I love it my friend. This is my favorite by you. I remembered you entering a different poem in the beginning but now that I think of it you did tell me that you were changing your entry. You were right, this one was a lot better than your origional entry. Though it was great too, it wasn't so much and this one felt so much more touching and honest. To be completely honest I am not sure you had as much a chance of placing with the first entry. I enjoyed it greatly but I didn't feel YOU in the poem and that is what this round is all about. wonderful job!
Amy -
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lol Thanks Amy. Much love to you homie.
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First let me say lack of punctuation can be brilliant in poetry. This is NOT an essay, it is a work of art created within your heart. For some reason I find myself here wiping furiously at tears sneaking up on me. I can not explain it to you and I have not a logical answer as to why but this poem broke me down as I read it. Over emotional to say the least. Maybe the fact that I had a clear image vivid and piercing is why I found myself defeated in my chair with a lump climbing up my throat. It was so sad in a subtle reserved way and I think that is what caught hold of me the most. *sniffles* This is a beautifully heart wrenching poem. This is at the top of my list without a doubt. I am not sure which one of you remarkable poets wrote this poem but it is truly a masterpiece in emotion.
Amy
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Very Moving
I think your use of metaphors and similies in this poem is brilliant. I especially related to this:
my mind is a mess
like gray lead from a pencil
scribbled all over algebra homework-
erased
with the past of what I thought was this
and that,
This stanza seems so simple but yet it is deeper than what one might think. What's once been etched can never really be erased can it?
Overall, this poem pulls in your readers deeper and deeper with each stanza. That's an excellent way to captivate your reader making them want to keep reading. Better than even the use of cliffhangers.
lilangel'snemesis
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Thank you.. wow.. that made my day.
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If you were a published poet, with a bunch of books of your works out, you would be one to capture my attention. You notice how all famous poets are unique somehow.. like.. Poe and his dark rhyming... Dickinson- her nature and hope verses... etc, etc... you would be well none for your unique free verse. Another great write
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Thanks Ryan.
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bravo, bravo
really liked this one.
i thought that the beginning was a little dry at first, but as the piece went on i actually liked it. it tied in well with the rest of the poem.
but the black marks remain
and it kills me.
loved that part the best. i actually think it was strong enough to stand as a stanza all alone.
very coherent write, very unified. i liked it a lot, man.
j -
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thanks Justin. i put a lot of me into this one. probably the most personal one i've ever wrote.
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I can feel this! I know exactly what you're talking about. The pressure just builds and builds and you want to explode and nobody understands or will listen. Take a deep breath and trudge on. There is hope, but it's hard to see at times.
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thanks Ida. you're one of the few people on here that i think would understand the poem/me. <3
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