Profound words can not profess
My drunken hearts lament
And metaphors can not express
Moments richly spent
No limerick can pay respect
To the memories you left
And diction can not accent
All that your life has meant
Poetry can not impose
The way death takes hold
And vividness can not show
The livings taxing toll
Not a single line can define
The depth of such times
For reason gives no rhyme
To the ones left behind
Yet clichés never fail to suggest
This messenger’s true intent
Though all are second hand at best
I chose to use the knowledge lent
May flights of angels wing you to your rest
Author notes
This is a poem I wrote for my friend Jeremy who recently passed away. I wrote about how I could not write any thing that would do his memory justice and I was just so struck by the manner of his death that it was hard to write any thing at all. He was one of my best friends and I hope he knows he will be missed dearly by the ones he left behind…
A contest entry
- Resurrection: Aspiring Poets Group Only by duana.
300 points, ended August 4, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Contest for many types of poems, Prewrites allowed. by Systems Malfunction.
500 points, ended January 30, 2008, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Song by Shya.
690 points, ended June 20, 2008, 34 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Touching
I loved this poem. It flows, the rhyming is well-done and not forced at all, and the rythm is right. The only part where I might fix the rhythm is line 10, where I would add a single unstressed syllable so it reads "The way that death takes hold". I loved all the emotion you put in this poem... I could feel it. So thanks for entering my contest... and welcome to the finalists list.
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This was a nice poem. I'm sorry your friend passed. I've dealt with death to and its not nice. Good luck in the contest.
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This is certainly a great piece, but your rhyme scheme falters in places that makes the read not flow as well as it could. Its gorgeous, never-the-less. With a few minor alterations this poem would go beyond amazing. Great write, keep it up.
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I thought you put a lot of effort into this poem, and I could feel your withdrawn sadness and numbness. I think anyone who lost a friend through death will be able to relate to your total loss of words- wanting to honor them, but not knowing at all what to say. I am curious after you wrote this poem if you found the words underneath, and found yourself writing another poem? It really feels like that type of thing would happen.
You scored high in message and interest, your use of assonance/alliteration, and choice and readability of words, and orginality in phrasing, and message.
I notice that you didn't use any punctuation at all. Because it was so consistent it seemed deliberation. I was trying to imagine how the poem would change with punctuation in it, and I think you made a good choice here. But I still would be curious if you did experiment with puncuation how it might turn out differently. -
Damn, though poetry may never do the dead justice, this comes close! Good write!
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I've read through a few pieces of yours now, and determined that you're either brilliant or insane. How often the two are confused, and in my opinion, rendering them synonymous. But either is a compliment, for those who determine insanity are just overwhelmed with what they themselves cannot comprehend.
I once gave a eulogy, and in the end I felt no better; the best of words I could find did no justice.
I found this piece especially heartfelt and decided to leave my applause here. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading more.
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i would really feel bad to if i lost someone...sad. im sorry
jeg -
Oh, my.
This brought me back down to earth. It's so simple, but so profound! I wrote something similar for my dad's birthday, but this is on an entirely different level. I want to read more of what you have to write, please.
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may he rest in peace...this poem is absolutely amazing...you might be right that it doesnt really give his memory justice but keep in mind that just thinking about him daily and doing your best to express it is a great way to honor his memory...
all the best
serge
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This is a fantastic piece. I love that you didn't try to sum it all up in just a few words- you were honest. I lost a cousin whom I was very close to in November, and this is exactly what I would want him to know. Wonderful piece.
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My condolences...
Darling
I too lost companionship
of my best friend
though she was flip
our friendship didn't end.
Smoosh
Janet
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wow... this was really so sweet, i lost my best friend matt to suicide a few short years back, and i still cant talk about how it tore me apart
well done, very well done
love always lildw
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I think you did a manificient job of expressing your feelings in this poem. You did justice for your friend in this poem also. May the ink in your pen flow forever and ever.
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Very Impressive!!
I think you did a great job at expressing your feelings for your friend and I am sure he knows the pain you are feeling.. your writing is excellent and please know it could not have come at a more bittersweet time for we too have lost a few in the past year and one just on Jan. 3rd 2007. Thankyou for such an emotional yet inspirational read! Semperfimom39
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Oh...I'm so sorry. **hug for your loss** A wonderful tribute to Jeremy. It's hard....being left behind with an empty place in your heart.
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You have expressed your thoughts and feelings well. This poem flows gracefully and tenderly. Very touching.
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