Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

My Turn

The ever popular New York City pushcart;
there's one  across  from Lincoln Center,

affording a perfect view of the Nutcraker

played out a Christmas before;

where warm pretzals are dismantled,

the perfect  place to fall in love, again.

 

We all gave our best at that moment; 

winter no longer held back,

 sprinkled us in white;

you gave up your gloves,

I, the remaining piece of the pretzel,
when it was my turn to break it off.

Author notes

option #2 - Carly pop

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Carly Pop gold member
    February 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I am sorry - you had to be there - I thought it was good but to each his own!

  • Pietro456
    February 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    This one I don't care for at all !

    For some reason this one does't touch me at all ! I am just left dry with this one.


  • -Ink Artist-
    February 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful imagery captured in these lines. The vibrancy is completed by the emotive words you chose to convey this poetic story of love. Beautifully done! Thanks for your entry and good luck!

    ~Lori

    • Carly Pop gold member
      February 13, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for your review - my husband took me that day to an audition for Who Wants to be a Millionaire - he was totally exhausted but drove me in - I didn't pass the test but i saw something in him I missed for 30 years - and I fell in love with my husband all over again - I guess I did come out a "millionaire" in other ways!


  • Shadow Lynx
    January 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely visuals from this ,ive never been to america but this paints a most desirable picture, sweet way to in love whilst eating pretzels and freezing ones ass off Well written i enjoyed it!


  • NoUseForAName
    January 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Well done, kiddo. This is a beautiful line:

    ...warm pretzels dismantled the perfect place to fall in love..."

    Again- makes me think of being in Manhattan... squishy warm pretzels in the freezing cold. You did good with this and I'm glad you added to it.


  • darl3n3
    January 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    ...hmm..short, straight to the point, nice!


  • darl3n3
    January 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    ...hmm..short, straight to the point, nice!

  • NoUseForAName
    January 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You're not a pest. This is piece is much stronger than the other one.

    I'd like to see the cold and snow incorporated into it. It actually reminds me of being in Manhattan, standing on the corner trying to get pretzels from the street vendor. Freezing my ass off- because it is COLD there in the winter! (I'm laughing because I'm looking out my window right now and it's sunny and 75 in good ole' Southern CA right now- screw the cold!)

    So- because of "best I had to offer" and "break it off" I think incorporating the cold somehow would help. It's a short piece and another stanza about the weather, tied in w. the vendor (or even ice skating in Central Park) would help flesh it out.


    • Carly Pop gold member
      January 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      well I added a few lines, when you get chance to look at it. I appreciate your patience!

  • maheo
    January 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I absolutely loved the words you used to inscribe this piece, I think it was perffectly penned and have no criticism...sorry I can't be of more help


  • grannyeri gold member
    January 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Interesting scenes conveyed through these words - not sure why all the double spaces are left in these lines - a reason, or just typos? Enjoyed the last two lines - the best you had to offer was half the pretzel at the moment.

  • NoUseForAName
    January 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is what really stuck out to me while reading:

    yellowed prints of Autumn
    brown mistletoe at her feet

    I like the idea of this, a dark room and shattered images. For me, there are too many cliches in this- too many over-used phrases. I think it has potential and I'd like to see it revised around those two lines. How can a dark room be incorporated with yellowed prints and brown mistletoe? Those are beautiful images, but not enough to carry the rest of the piece.

    • Carly Pop gold member
      January 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      the pest is back. I don't know if you got my last message to you. i tried to do something with the poem but couldn't. I wrote a new poem in its place. I hope that is OK - this poem is true to life - weather it is contest worthy that is up to your judgment. either way thanks for all your help!!

  • goalsv
    January 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very Very Nice.


  • troyias
    January 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful

    Great job my friend.

    *Go with God*

    Valerie

  • maheo
    January 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I feel the first stanzas is the strongest, it grips the reader and lends urges them to keep reading. I also loved the ending. I feel the weakest part was the middle, and although not truly weak per se, it could be stronger. I think that maybe the wording could be better, the beginning and end are so strong, it leaves the middle looking faint....but it is a great write. Lovely all in all.


  • drybones
    January 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Very good.

    As always, an enjoyable read. Your mastery of the language is remarkable and you have a spiritual eye that can see the things that are hidden in shadow and darkness.Thanks for sharing.

1 - 18 of 18