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Forgotten glimpses surface, bringing words that rhyme,
Twenty summers ignored my garden lay lost in time.
A York-stone path flagged, crossed arrow straight,
Unswerving to an outside world, a world that lay in wait.
And in the dying months, one waning Autumn day,
My eyes stared transfixed, at yon picket gate grey,
Sightless of the bright seductive symphony of hue,
Bouquets rampant dancing, as soft breezes blew.
Beautiful roses unnoticed, from focus on life and home,
Where breeze tossed butterflies gaily flit and roam,
Unhearing slight sounds of buzzing bees missed,
Ignorant to the ecstasy brought by being kissed.
I should have stopped to gape wondrous at that scene,
And stepped aside to draw anew fresh breath serene,
Captivated by ten thousand heady scents smelt,
Each crying out for love, but sadly never felt.
I could have drank from the bouquet, with subtle sips,
Echoing their song as nectar brushed sweet upon my lips
and sighs when yielding to my searching tongue in truth,
akin to the nervous lust of pure innocent youth.
But I walked on with a heart cold as winter’s icy night,
With head held dead-straight, by engrossed lack of sight.
Until was placed a single rose of vivid crimson red,
Upon my barren white and lonesome bed.
I saw its’ blush and took hold, anxious with dawning fears,
Pressing it to my face to refresh with awoken tears.
But with deception beneath the forgotten beauty’s sheen,
The perfumed thorn patiently awaits unseen.
.
Author notes
Option 1 Kiss of a Rose. Forgotten glimpses surface, bringing words that rhyme,
Option 9
In a list
A contest entry
- Ok, time to be picky! by Wrozes Thorne.
300 points, ended August 19, 2007, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lyrical inspirations!!! by ali34.
400 points, ended October 8, 2007, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Simply Roses by piccola.
900 points, ended March 27, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 60 of 60
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This is really good.
I like it! And that really means eveything, me liking it, doesn't it??
Haha, this is a great poem.
And congrats on the trophies.
:->
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well you've garnered a silver and bronze ... you should be pleased. I enjoyed reading this although it is a little long for my taste. Short attention span and next time I will remember to put a line limit in my rules.
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just a few q's
i love your words you have a way with them. your flow could use just a little tweaking but i loved this write about a garden... to me it symbolizes gardens of thought, emotions, and love. but what did you mean it to be... thatll help me understand better. thanks again
ali -
just a little request
if this corresponds to one of the lyrics please tell me that option thanks for entering my contest
ali -
I stand amazed at this piece of art. You should have won. All my best,
Jin
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I am in awe of this poem. the structure, the rythm, the tone and the words used, all formed one hell of a terrific piece of art...Beuatiful...I tip my hat and quill to you, poet...
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Metallic Tears
I must admit that with a comment like that, I had a chance of at least placing or an HM and yet .................. Also you gave one clap to 1st place and 3 to 3rd. I really am amazed ....
Bazza
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Incredible piece of work here....I love the use of metophores and the imagery portrayed...Reminiscent of Blake...why it has yet to win a trophy can only be summized as lack of appreciation for great writes..This is how I dream of writing...well done I am bookmarking it...good luck in the contest
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Not bad, you were able to rhyme and it didn't suck. Good job! And thanks for entering my contest!
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my first thought about this was that you have a great grasp of the language. it doesn't seem like you wasted a single word. great vocab too. and the ending really did an amazing job of tying everything together for me. i didn't really understand what the point of the poem was until the end, but then it crashed right into me. great message, by the way.
ironically, what makes this poem so rich and full of imagery and metaphors also makes it kind of hard to read. all the different, and altogether creative and brilliant words and phrases you use end up cluttering it and i had to re-read practically every line to understand it, which on second thought isn't really a bad thing. great job and thanks so much for entering!
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very interresting and creative write. your effort really shines in this poem very much. very educated write. and lovely metaphoric usage.
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Well done!
Very lovely poem. I enjoyed reading it. Excellent rhyme and Superb word choice! I like you use of strong and beautiful imagery!
You did a really good job here!
Feel free to enter again.
Keep on writing and good luck in my contest.
Nooni
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This is beautifully written. The imagery is magnificent. It seems to be express a sadness of lost youth. Sort of like saying you should have stopped to smell the roses and one day realizing it was too late. You have a wonderful talent for writing. Well done.
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Splendid
I have to say this piece is put together perfectly! it sucks you in the beauty and elgance of hows it written is incredible!
I'm new to this site but i have to say its one of the best i have read so far, im not very good at poetry but i thought as tis here i would write what i would call a poem, you have real talent and have enspired me to write more.
thank you for sharing this
Alexis-Anne x
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I think this is the best poem I've read on this website. It's incredible. The tone is so perfect and the wording so beautiful. So descriptive and just purely amazing. I can't say much else due to the fact I have nothing to complain about and I can simply say yet again that this poem is truly amazing. Keep writing!!
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excellent write here
Oh how we waste so much of our lives when only a second would make all the difference in the world . For beauty in its rawest form can heal all souls and a garden even unkept has its beauty for to be alive even when left alone should never turn ugly . Take the time to smell the roses and tend mother natures garden even if its a second of your time to receive its love for there are thorns in the human life as well yet it goes un ignored so stop and let your soul dance and hear the song on the air it makes for a better world in which to live -
Hun
You know I think you are such a talented writer and that I enjoy reading your wonderful pieces...It still remains that way with this piece...
Your words were carefully and beautifully chosen and it rolled of the tongue...
Thank you for sharing my friend
Love ya always
Tes -
Beautiful
This is a truly amazing and beautiful write. The imagery is amazing. You are an extremely talented poet. Your choice of words is superb. You have done a great job on this rewrite. It is really, really amazing! -
....wow
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Oh Barry,
If you have done such honor to my own poem, then I am truly blessed by your gift. This poem has me in tears of humbled joy for there have been many times that I have walked past the joy and beauty of my garden. Passed it for the emptiness of the cold world that at times has no place for gardens. As I grow and mature, I find myself now, returning often to my garden and working on enjoying everything in it, including the weeds. LOL
Your work on this poem is amazing! You have a definite touch to your words that bring out the stronger emotions in others. Please, please do not stop walking in your garden.
Hugs,
Sylvyr
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What an incredibly beautiful piece. You have done an astounding job with this piece. The imagery is wonderful. A brilliantly talented write. Thank you for the entry in my contest.
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This poem has truely staggering description and excellent flow. Your choice of words is superb. However, it does deviate from the rules namely in length. It is a fantastic write nonetheless. Thanks for you entry.
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Stunning!
As I tried to navigate throught this site I stumbled upon this: Where am I -
Somewhere deep in the woods, Hansel turns around
"File not found!"
As I attempted to read the version from which your muse beautifully rewrote this poetic masterpiece! With that said, I will pay my compliments to you Barry, in the hopes that I can express how yo have elegantly written this painted masterpiece of beauty with mere words for all of us to share!
A delightful, loving yet sad poem that has touched this reader!
So I just wanted to thank you for sharing this in our group reading list!
Stunning!
Jasminerose
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AMAZING POEM DEAR BROTHER !!!!
Oh my dear Barry, your poety can be compared to the sweetness of the best wine, the fragrace of the honeysuckle in spring, the beauty of the Helena of Troy and the sounds of angels singing to enchant in your story/poems. Bravo!!! You are the master of storytelling. I humbly bow to you Big brother. You and your writing are treasures among us here.
Love you, Sandy
You have honored her poem with this beautiful write.
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What can I say that hasn't already been said. Absolutely stunning, your bouquet of imagery, words and beauty is outstanding, and written with such a professional hand. Bravo dear Bazza on presentation and content.Truly amazing!. Well done.
Shaz xx
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This was the first piece of yours that I have read. I am in awe of this write. The visuals had me sitting soaking up the beauty and the scents of the garden.
Beautifully done. I will definitely be visiting your site to read more.
Soulful Woman
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Lovely rhythm, lovely rhyme...lyrical, songlike. best of luck to you...this is beautiful
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Read the original and think you have done a great job on this rewrite. Such a way with words you have here. Good rhythm and rhyme, flow throughout these lines. A great original ppem, and a wonderful way to change it and make it your own - different form and thoughts, as well as some of the original ones make this blend a delight to read.
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Bravo Bravo so well expressed and written
Outstanding write simply beautiful. Your words flowed wonderfully. So much detail and imagery. I could see the picture you painted as I read the poem. This is a winner indeed. thank your for sharing this amazing write. I would like to book mark this master piece with your permission. (Lisa)
"I could have drank from the bouquet, with subtle sips,
Echoing their song as nectar brushed sweet upon my lips
and sighs when yielding to my searching tongue in truth,
akin to the nervous lust of pure innocent youth"
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excellent
this is an excellent write write bazza, i can see why this is a favourite of yours.it has excellent rhyme and rhythm and of course the imagery is superb.
very well done and good luck in the contest,
floorboards.
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Simply beautiful. I LOVE the imagery. It's near perfect. It's painting a beautiful picture for all to see. I absolutely love it. really liked this, I like your work and would like to read a lot more of it soon. I like the context and language you chose for the poem and it had a strong emotional feel to it
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I really liked this, I like your work and would like to read a lot more of it soon. I like the context and language you chose for the poem and it had a strong emotional feel to it
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Very heartfelt.
Very sad. well written. especially enjoyed the 4th Stanza. Overall, I wish I could write so well as this.
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Interesting
This was well written with clear symbolism and crisply woven verse===but after reading it a few times I am not sure of the meaning...after all is said---am I to understand what you mean by this poem is more or less that life has been passed by in favor of sleepy sloth but even so, the danger inherent in life's beauty come to call? lol, well that's sort of what I read into this poem.
Regardless of its meaning and whether I am just too dense to divine it, I like this poem quite a bit and I think the wording is beautiful ...I like the fifth stanza best.
This is almost victorian in its imagery, I can almost image you speaking with an english accent.
well done...although I do believe it can be tweaked abit ...just to be sure the tenses agree is all.
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Most interesting... on first reading I was unaware it was a re-write, and unaware that you are self-taught [It's my belief that one's natural style is preferable] for the style seemed vaguely reminiscent of Wordsworth, to me. I rather enjoyed it, although I'm not usually a fan of rhyme, unless it's almost unnoticeable [I find my eye drawn to the rhyming words to check whether it really does rhyme, so that's just a grave peculiarity of mine, not a reflection on the style...], and now, having read the original, I appreciate that too. Wonderful, wonderful adoration of nature... in both versions.
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I know this will sound strange but to me it is like it is written in the style of bush poetry and banjo and henry are two of my favourite poets so this is what i got from your very well worded and descriptive poem....well done
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Bazza... I read down and found that I have indeed visited this poem, but it warrants another visit. I do love it. You took my theme and, although you don't know the incident in my life, you conveyed exactly how it felt to me, with great sensitivity. You have a wonderful touch, and it comes out here.
I am still not inclined to go through and pick holes in it. It's written in YOUR style, with your rhythms and cadences. And like someone said below, you don't need to read my original to appreciate it. Anyhow, I am not sure there are any holes to pick, really. I wonder if the system will let me applaud again? -
Fabulous
This (for you) is something different, but in no way has it tested you. In fact the wordsmith in you has perhaps found some other level. This is exceptional. It could stand (in my humble opinion) aside many many 'classic' pieces. I have not read the original, for I feel I don't need to. This stands as a truly fine write in every sense of the word. Brilliant. Bravo
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Hello My Bazza Bear.
I came by to give my teddy bear a great big hug. ((((((((BIG HUG )))))))Hope you are doing great. How have you been? I am doing great.
WOW, what can I say about your poem except, it it amazing yet sad too. The imagery is so great. Yes those thorns are hidden but wack a powerful prick when it touches us. The painshould knock some sense in us but no, we go right on smelling the beauty and forgetting the hidden thorn till it sticks us again.
An excellent poem. Many claps.
Smiles and Sunshine coming your way.
to bring you happiness throughout the day.
God Bless you,
Love ya,
Sandy
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wonderful, it really makes you think. i like it.
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Thank you for your comment and taking the time to read it. I appreciate feedback and also the applause .
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Wow
What can I say? It captivates your attention and lays down a fantastic imagery. You have some awesome talent! Keep up the great work.
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Thankyou brokenpeace for such a nice complement as well as applause. I am grateful for your kind words and encouragement.
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Amazing...
Simply beautiful. I LOVE the imagery. It's near perfect. It's painting a beautiful picture for all to see. I absolutely love it. The diction flows together fluently and beautifully. You have a great talent, don't ever stop writing.
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Thank you Lady Illia for you kind comments and applause but remember the original poem was written by Mairi Bheag and I only rewrote it into my own style and changed some of it to suit. Mairi deserves the applause.
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Very beautiful piece, you paint a very pretty picture!!
But with deception beneath the forgotten beauty’s sheen,
The perfumed thorn patiently awaits unseen.
These were definitely my favourite lines!! very nice ending! Just when I thought everything was hunky dory you bring out the perfumed thorn!! nice job, keep writing!!
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Thank you so much for this lovely comment but all praise must go to Mairi Bheag who wrote it poem originally. I was so impressed that I wrote it into my own style (with her approval)
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Very beautiful and serene pictures floated through my head through the whole piece, but with a tinge of nervousness and sadness throughout. Very well put together, and I simply adore that last line! Bravo!
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Thanks again for such a nice comment but please read Mairi Bheag's work because I only rewrote her poem into my own style. The linls aree shown on my page and below.
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A lovely tribute, Bazza
We have discussed this one as it made its way to the AP page. I greatly appreciate the honour you did me in re-working my original which, as you know, was an expression of an incident in my life. If anyone wants to read my 'loose Sapphic' original it is here http://allpoetry.com/poem/2492293
Whilst acknowledging the technical points made by Reenie, I think this is a lovely poem. Your style usually lends itself to what one thinks of (almost strerotypically) as "Australian Poetry" (you know what I mean - the rugged, slouch-hat-and-checked-shirt stuff); but there is no reason on earth why an Aussie folk-poet can't write beautifully about a rose-garden.
Good on ya!
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this write is one of those where beauty and sadness touch hands and together they make for a very serene (almost ethereal but tinged with sorrow) piece. Those two are definitely an oxy-moron , but lend themselves well to this. May I suggest maybe just a bit of editing though..
Stanza 1 and 2
the word "my"appears twice. Maybe one could change into:
twenty summers ignored THIS garden lay lost in time, or
THESE eyes stared transfixed ( thereby one MY could be omitted.
Stanza 4 and 5 both start with 'I"
Stanza 6 and 7
both have a line that starts with the word "But"
It is upon reading aloud that this becomes obvious and thereby looses a bit of its easy flow for this reader.Please know that it is not my intention to be overly critical, I just wanted to pass on what others have passed on to me and thereby helped my writings and I am grateful , as it has improved my skills.I wish you much success in any writing endeavours,
reenie
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Reenie thanks so much for taking time to comment and suggest corrections but I cannot understand why the 'rules' say you can only have the words 'my' and 'I' more than once. In a personal narrative this is to be expected and would be contardictory to normal speech. These quaint ideas keep surfacing but when examined have (to me) no logical foundation. I know you have passed on your knowledge, but by substituting the repeated words (I and me) is when it DOES sound artificial or contrived. When a poem appears that it has been written with such conditions applying, it appears to be just that ... a poem which bears little resemblance to the normal way we speak and think. If you recite a happening to someone and only use those two words once, you would be tongue tied very quickly. I write (as I have often said) without rules or convention so that a story can be vividly presented to the mind as close as to what I saw or envisaged so I use normal and not 'poetic ' speech.
Please keep commenting as you have done and not take offence at my disagreement, but I fail to see logic in those rules.
The plaintive repetition of my and I reinforce the mood and are just as the poet (and Mairi) wrote/felt them and therefore not artificial.
Thankas so much for the applause too as it is warmly received especially with your sincere comments and suggestions, but I must take the time to explain my reasons for writing that way. I am completely self taught and cant even tell you what a sonnet is .... and really I dont have time for theory, just what I feel in my heart. -
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rules.....
I do not think there are any so-called "rules" regarding the I's and me's(those happen to be the ones I addressed in this)And by all means, do keep it as you and your Muse and heart dictate
.I just know what some taught me in writing class as well as going back to my childhood writing of essays on a personal experience. Was always told to try not to start too many sentences with the same word, but to sort of turn the sentence around. But writing is very subjective and we as individuals all have our own style and voice. I do not know much about form poetry either...I do like haiku and cinquain, but a sonnet is not for me (even though I enjoy reading them). I find form to constricting. Furthermore, if we would just keep going and emulate the styles of the old and great writers of previous centuries.....we never would lend anything new to the art and it would be a cheap copy of something that is great in its original form. I can not do rhyme well either, so I write free form most of the time.......please just keep writing the way you feel most comfortable. After all, we do write for ourselves as well and we have to find pleasure in it. Happy pennings,
reenie
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Gorgeous sadness
'Beautiful roses unnoticed, from focus on life and home,
Where breeze tossed butterflies gaily flit and roam,'
These lines and the first lines of the next three stanzas are wonderful. They are everything I feel at the moment, with my work taking away all my freedom. I spend all day inside and rarely see the sun...I used to walk and garden and get about outside all the time, but now I feel cooped up and lost, and I fear what has become the end of this poem - that I will trapped inside till my dying day, unable to appreciate beauty, though through the need to work rather than not wanting to pay attention. I miss that garden and the little birds so much it hurts. This piece epitomizes everything I feel at the moment, and the imagery and emotion is so closely tied to my own fears and feelings that I feel it came from me. It is good to know that I am not alone. It is good to know that other people feel withdrawal from nature as keenly as I, and its great to know that they have the talents and skills to put that into words and let people like me know we are not alone. Thank you so much. Well written.
Avian xx
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You are only cooped up in your work because you dont let your mind rein free. It does not hurt to think of nature's beauty whenever you have a rest period and anyway there is beauty all around you .... you only need to look and forget the mind numbing of work and boredom/darkness. Remember the beautiful things, for that is what your mind is for. I have many people who read my work during breaks as it allows them complete freedom and escape during the time they read my picture poems especially. This refreshes the mind. Breaks are YOUR time and no one says you must look at the office walls. Read some beauty and go there in your mind.
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Oh!...How sad...
Wow, Bazza...I'm left feeling quite bereft after reading this. It's very serene in its beauty; yet, like the thorn, it leaves the reader bleeding and sore!
That last line is particlarly powerful. You could not have created a better or more fitting one to end this piece.
Perfect way to write of a missed opportunity to keep hold of love (~ that is, if I'm interpreting it correctly!)
Be well, and keep that talent flowing...
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Simply beautiful
Dear Barry,
Very exquisite my dear friend, I would be interested in reading the poets version that you've based your poem on. It also would be very beautiful to read.
Wonderfully penned Barry, I'm never disappointed when I read your poems.
Love Jen
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Thanks jenelda, you will find the link above in mairi bheag's comment and elsewhere on this page, but I canr get mt mouse to click on copy. I just rewrote nto my own style, thats all and as it is self taught I thought it worth a go (with mairi's permission)
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Thanks for the lovely comments and applause but mairi bheag (on this site) wrote the poem and I rewrote it into my own style . As I am self taught I obtained mairi's blessing and permission. the links is shown elsewghere on this page.
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NICE
WHAT A PRETTY PIECE OF POETIC PENNING. IT WAS A DELIGHT TO READ. I'M IMPRESSED.
KEEP ON PENNING
POETDONTKNOWIT
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