You may not believe
My words, but I
Have become the master of
A universe.
It is only revolution:
Recomposition of thoughts,
Of sight, of light that
Begins when you live wrong.
It began with a void.
It rose with failure.
It bred on lost love.
It ached from abuse.
Composed, this creature
Strove to be in love
To win, to learn, but
Came up evershort.
That is, until all that
Everwas and everwill
Spoke
ENOUGH.
Breathless, I turned on
The light of my dark -
The switch of death and
Deaths gone, and saw.
I rectified the unknown
Of mine and yours
In that gift of insight,
Caught my soul, and held it.
No, I _clenched_ it! Sucked
Up the heaven like a siphon
To find it never ran dry, that
My insatiable truth poured.
I found words paltry.
I found romance fake.
I found my Creator
And We agreed.
Removed from this and here,
I meditate to live. When
I leave it all, it is just
Returning home.
Author notes
I wrote this for Annalise's contest. I know it doesn't exactly fit what she wants - quirks and all that - but this is who I am, right now, and I assume that is what allows its qualification.
Underwent some revision. A little shorter... what say you?
Licensed here:
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/46736814/
Option 1 for MidniteRae.
I'm "In Liquid Wonder".
In a list
A contest entry
- Future Poet by tara wilson.
500 points, ended March 14, 2007, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre Write Contest by SensualWhispers.
615 points, ended March 15, 2007, 100 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - contrast by unraveled.
600 points, ended April 3, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your very best! by Carly Pop.
450 points, ended April 3, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Karma....Do You Believe in Fate, Destiny, The Threefold Law? by Blue Rew.
700 points, ended April 12, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Contest! (Show me your stuff) by BloodCrusted.
600 points, ended April 18, 2007, 97 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - One Hundred Poems by Lady-Pegasus.
700 points, ended April 10, 2007, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wisdom for Dealing With Depression Please by aslanlight.
700 points, ended April 21, 2007, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I encourage advanced critique. The punctuation troubles me, especially. Thank you.
Comments
1 - 48 of 48
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Wll thought out
I appreciate the concept. I see the meaning of this to be something where someone is desiring power, and losing their minds with things lost. Not just lost love, but everything lost from them.
The ruling the universe thing: I find that to be a bit strange. A close friend of mine used to think it would be easy to conquer the world. I think you have actually captured the reality of that. As far as "returning home" there are many things you can interpret from that. Actually going home, following your heart, or many other things.
All around, the poem was a good read. I really loved stanza 4. Just saying that the desires themselves are short, not the attempts at acheiving them. Fabulous!
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Liked It
The first part I liked the best, the turn around kind of throws me a little, maybe you should got back to the long version, or make an even longer version. A lot of us rise up best after taking a big hit, and some of us hit back. -
this is super! my fave lines are: "It began with a void.
It rose with failure.
It bred on lost love.
It ached from abuse.
Composed, this creature
Strove to be in love
To win, to learn, but
Came up evershort."
this is perfect!
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yummy
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Well you can not knock what insight you have. I actually had to stop and think about things in general. I loved it. You did a great job. Keep Penning.
Poeticanjil -
"gift of insight" is a wonderful thing...nicely done...gives one reason to take a step back and think of some things that need to be thought o
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I'm not going to go through here and find eres , but i'm going to go through here and find the beauty . your work here leaves me speachless. i have found myself stuck on the lines you have written here stating....
Begins when you live wrong.
It began with a void.
It rose with failure.
It bred on lost love.
It ached from abuse.
I have to commend you on this . nicely done. yes your grammer could use some work. but i'll leave that to someone thathas time for that. because i only want to admire your work!
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Not Christian? Not uplifting? Well, uplifting is entirely dependent on if you need to be lifted up, I guess, but I clearly saw you communing with God.
Anyway, I agree that some of the punctuation is a bit difficult, and I'm not talking about the "It" stanza. I've read the comments (all 250 of them!) and in my opinion, that stanza can go either way: as it is or leaving out the subsequent 'its' and using commas. If you want more of a stop between the 'its' then use periods.
No, the punctuation I'm thinking of is:
Composed, this creature
Strove to be in love
To win, to learn, but
Came up evershort.
That is, until all that
I don't think your period after evershort is correct as you have it written, nor do I think it is particularly effective. As far as sentence structure goes, it really should be a comma, and, actually, I think it would be more effective that way. Enjambment often lends emphasis and I think that's what would happen here.
I found these lines to be a bit confusing:
The switch of death and
Deaths gone, and saw.
Is the second 'deaths' supposed to be plural or is it supposed to be a contraction of death is and you just forgot the apostrophe? If it is the latter, I would suggest making it 'death is' simply for the sake of clarity. Actually, that's what I thought it was supposed to be. If it's plural, I don't know how to make it clearer.
And my last 'problem' comes in the last line of your next to last stanza. To me, capitalizing "We" puts you on the same plane as God. One who does that is likely to get knocked off his pedestal. You know, zapped by lightning and all that. I would suggest not capitalizing that word.
Oh yes, I agree with an earlier commenter who suggested adding the word "be" after everwill. You kind of stumble over the pothole where that word should be. Someone might get hurt. Fill it in and put 'be' in there.
I liked this very much, very much indeed. I think you've done a masterful job of showing us how self-important we can become (master of a universe) and how useless it all is, until - UNTIL! Nice job.
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A brilliant piece of artistry and soulbearing talent! Thanks for sharing this incredible piece with us! Many blessings and best wishes,
Frogz~
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Critique
'It began with a void.
It rose with failure.
It bred on lost love.
It ached from abuse'
Take this stanza excerpt from your write. You could've simply dropped the other three 'IT' and used a comma in their place like this:
It began with a void,
Rose with failure,
Bred on lost love,
And ached from abuse
Aside from that I can see where grannyeri does make a point because I was going to pounce as to the usage of periods, but then re-thought that notion seeing how it might really break the flow of the write. Keep penning -
Liked reading this one out loud - brings a different perspective to the table when poems are read out louod, not just in our minds. I do think the flow is slowed by the periods. Stops the thought there and then one needs to begin again with the next line.
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huh...this kind of struck me as a Salvador Dali kind of moment...I'm not sure I could even explain why. in a few placs I found the punctuation awkward...specifically "_clenched_" I'm not sure exactly what kind of emphasis to put on that....but all in all...well done
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Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! There's a comment on this somewhere below here back where the sands of time have almost swallowed it and it says this isn't Christian and it isn't uplifting. I disagree, in fact it's more, it's universal and it flies above the perceptions of most! Thanks for entering it whoever you are.
Love, light & peace
Georgia
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Great . . .
This is very deep and personal – I think that it took quite a struggle to get it out on the page – I think many readers will relate to the fight this highlights
Albert.
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Thank you for your contest submission as well as for following the rules. A very intense write, to be certain. Some of the points were a bit unclear to me, but that is just perception, I imagine. Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Hetohke'e * 
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I love this meditation come to life! I will give you my opinion on the flow and you can see if it is something you agree with:
"Everwas and everwill" is very lovely and strong but I feel one word missing "be" at the end of everwill.
And, maybe this is something you gave to the piece to make it different but the repetition of pronouns or a specific word usually is a detraction to me:
It began with a void.
It rose with failure.
It bred on lost love.
It ached from abuse
nowhere else in your beautiful piece did you feel the need to repeat in such a way but the other stanzas have a sameness in form. I really do appreciate this take on my subject and my finalists are not set in stone. Let me know if any of this was helpful! Blue -
thanks for entering my contest. You are a great writer!
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very well written. nicely done. What you have penned here works for me.
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Nicely written, you did a good job on this but I think the punctuation and flow could have been better. I'm not quite sure how to fix it, perhaps try some semi-colons in a few places instead of periods.
I don't think this quite fits the whole idea of peace/conflict contrast. It could have had more "action" in it. However, I think you did a great job on it and your stanzas near the end are very strong. My favorite is the one that starts with "No, I _clenched_ it!"
Excellent job.
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This was such a beautiful poem! Good job! I absoluetly loved it.
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I loved this piece! One of the best I've read tonight. We all need to be masters in our own little universes. We need to take control of our own lives. What I read here, I could relate with in so many ways. Excellent write!
"I found words paltry.
I found romance fake.
I found my Creator
And We agreed."
I found a lot of power in this stanza alone. It really stood out to me.
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You became the master of your own mind, your own world
this is as it should be
there is no hubris in this -
This poem is amazing. I enjoyed the concept even though I myself am a nihilist. You brought up some very good points, especially with the first 3 stanzas and the last stanza.
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Breathless, I turned on
The light of my dark -
The switch of death and
Deaths gone, and saw.
I rectified the unknown
Of mine and yours
In that gift of insight,
Caught my soul, and held it.
I loved this part! I felt like I could have wrote it myself! You really shared a strong vision with this write. Keep 'em coming! Thanks! peace, kp -
Involving
I found your piece to be involving, and the next to the last paragraph spoke to my soul better than any:
I found words paltry.
I found romance fake.
I found my Creator
And We agreed.
More loveliness than explainable in words are found in Him...bravo! -
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Thank you for your comment! Actually, I just wanted to tell you how especially grateful I am that you interpretted that verse as a positive, uplifting piece of writing. This poem has been accused of not being "Christian," so I'm glad that someone agrees with me that it actually is.
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Hmmm... I thought I commented on this before. Anyways congrats from me, I really like this poem. It's excellent, that's why I gave it bronze!
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LOL
This is cute. Has a great rhythm and flow. You've done an excellent job. Thanks for entering the contest with such a great poem. The best of luck to you. Kassie -
That is an interesting poem, it is fluid and flows perfectly throughout. It is as if the speaker is on a quest of self-enlightenment, and yet so confuse in his process to find what's reality. Good luck in the contest.
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Oh my dear goodness! This was so awesome! The whole poem just flowed with beauty! Honestly one of the best writes I've read in quite some time. Amazing job. Keep up the great work!
Tori -
On the Way,but Never Made it
When reaching the end I thought we were going to get the true breakthrough of enlightenment, a meet with the one called Jesus, our Savior..but it didn't get there. It is like you still are not truly at the finish line! You started with you being the Master of the Universe.....well has anything changed in the search...It is not conveyed here. and it is deceivingly misleading to those who do not read it correctly...I pray you will continue to read the word of God, because it plainly tells the way to real truth...and like a bright light, as Saul on the way to persecute Christians, you will be almost blinded by the reality of who really is the master of the Universe, and how we need His salvation in our life...It was a good write...but I waited for the blinded eyes to see...it ended with a thud....Sorry....please keep searching for Him, He is waiting for you! -
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I appreciate your lengthy comment. I'm a bit confused, though - you mention that I didn't reach God somehow, but I thought the second to last verse made it clear that I had! Anyway, thank you for your thoughts.
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Mixed Emotions
A master of a Universe into what realm of being?Your soul your being sounds like it has been through the ringer.When i leave it all,is just returning home.I think you need another word in this part.perhaps.I will be returning home.I think there are a few punctuation things that are out of place.I never sure lately i use to be real good at putting in comas and such.now days i think i'm winging it.it's late but yes there are some lines and things which could have things replaced.i'd have to go over it and write the wrong things down to tell you what needed fixed.other than that it is a very nice poem.it exsplains exactly how a soul, and mind can travel to some other realm.we need to catch ourselves and face reality.no lets stay side tracked reality is too hard depressing.i try to block things out or i would go over the edge.i hope i helped,i don't like picking things apart.i don't like being mean.i could hurt your feelings.Brenda
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i dont think this is Christian and it sure isn't uplifting
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My apologies for your interpretation. I found a lot of peace through meditating, and a deeper connection with God and love through that.
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I thought this was pretty creative and that is was writtn with great emotion and thought. Message me if you want your score, make sure to include the name of your poem. Thanks for entering.
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Precise, precocious, and penetrating. This poem is unsually cool. I like it a lot. thanks for sharing such words and thought with me.
Very deep poem and arising a lot of further thoughts-thats what poetry should do-ask and give the reader a chance to think about his life and perhaps find an answer-this poem does what it promises-great job. this was very enlightening.This is an exceptionally well-written with wonderful flow that adds greatly to the power of your words. I wish i could in my own words tell you how great this piece is without having to borrow from others.What an intricate piece, if it doesn't get you to stop and think, and be a little philosophical, then i think you missed the point.
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Magnificent. Reads like something I can't quite express or explain and thats never happened before. So u have done well here. I am impressed. Gr8 one. Hope 2 read more from u. -theQueen"
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GREAT
this is GREAT - love the way it's so different - you have to reread a couple times to understand it completely. But I get it - awesome job, awesome write! Keep writing to Glorify HIM
Monica <3 -
quite well done
it has a big scope and a wide sweep of spiritual elements, hope, and redemption..i like it -
Now I have the opening song for He-Man stuck in my head.
"I am He-----Man!" (from the master of the universe line you have here)
"I found words paltry.
I found romance fake.
I found my Creator
And We agreed." <-- I like that stanza. It just fits. Nice.
A very good piece you have here. Very nice.
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I'm just going to let you know right up front that I'm a very critical person with poetry, so don't take offence please
As far as the poem itself, best one I've read in our contest so far. Your imagery and metaphorical speech is amazingly good, and you have fairly good structure.
On that note, I only have one negative point to this: it seemed to get to the point a little slowly. You need to work on your flow in storytelling. Whether people believe it or not, all poetry is an expression of the author's thoughts and self, therefore, to me at least, all poetry is a form of telling a story. Your poem has a great religious story, it's just that it takes a while to get across what you're trying to say.
My advice to you is just to go back and re-read it, see if you can simplify certain areas, see if they can be combined.
You have an amazing potential. Good luck to you!
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This poem is a pleasure to read, very thought provoking, Gl in the contest ;p
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Well now...I am dumbfounded. I am not quite sure what to think. Reading this, I thought of Poe's Raven poem and I am not even sure why. Perhaps it is written in a similar tone. I do know, however, that I enjoyed this piece immensely. This is definetly getting bookmarked.
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wow. i really like the form of this poem, the short lines and four line stanzas work really well. i dont really understand all of it, but i liked it very much anyway. i love the last stanza, especially the last line. keep up the great work, and good luck in the contest its entered into
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This was good. It kind of, to myself, has an air of sophistication about it.
Great poem.
Good luck! -
lovely
have you ever thought about capitolization in your poems? in every verse the beginning word is uppercase, sometimes it's just the word prossesser you use and sometimes it's just lessons of old drilled into our heads. the capitoization can effect the feel, you can make things stand out more or less. otherwise this was an amazing right, that for the first time in days has inspired me to comment, thank you
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I want a world where the sky is purple, where I think myself wherever I need to go, where love is a joke we laugh at daily, and pain is a medication for criminals. That's what I Want. ...tired of this one.
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