It Will Change Me Forever

We were happy to begin with
The first two weeks of our three month relationship
You treated me like your queen
I was the light in your darkness
The angel to fight off your demons...

But you began to reveal your self pretty fast
More and more eachday
Words cutting me deeper as time went on
Your lies grew stronger, and ever so true

You sent me of to school each day
With an ounce of security
And a gallon of fear
Fear I would say the wrong thing
And receive another beating
For two and a half months spent
I cried myself to sleep while you held me in your warm arms
Hushing me, uttering
'I'm sorry my darling, I love you so much, you'll never get rid of me'

Somehow I would always believed you, my heart was blind...
All the fights, all the nasty words thrown to me
To you, make up sex was wonderful
Though I complied and participated
I was purely disgusted, by the dirty things you liked to do
Each week that passed
You grew farther and farther away from me
You play your little mind games so well...

Then that tragic yet secretly relieving day came
That you decided to end our life together
And move out and go home
That was a month and a week ago...

Now as I am sitting here
I am reliving the past
Writing this just so you have the insight
The insight to understand, to judge...
I realized that without him I was so much better off
And I deserved better than the deranged 'killer' that he was
(He really was a murderer...)

I admit that he broke me completely
But I hate to admit that he really did not care
He even shouted it at me, told me, made me understand in the harshest way
It's so hard to explain the confusement he caused and the games he played...
"I love you more than my baby's mama I love you with all my heart and soul, believe it"
He would say
Then
"Fuck you you stupid dumb bitch, your a phyco, take a look at your arms...you were a fuck up since you were born..."
He know's how much he hurt me and he enjoy's it I know he does

So now, I am trying to move on
I numb out the pain and misery
Which in turn makes me think I am healed
But there are times when I just break down...
Seeing freinds that are couples
Smiling, cuddling and laughing
That once was vice-versa...

But I do know I hate him
I do know that much...
Unless the hate Im building for him is really just to hide the pain...?
I really cannot say
I have no clue as to what I can do
To ride myself of this anxiety that I feel
But I guess I just hope it show's
How mental abuse and physical abuse
Can change a person forever...