In the half-lit
drunkenness before night
I’d watch your mouth
as you spoke of bones
and wondered if you
unraveled my skins
you’d find anything
worth looking for.
In November your voice
was pure as Jesus in my ear.
We craved sleep as it rained outside
you were always better wet
but I left you dry and tried to think
of something other than light and the
way it played with water
you couldn’t love my dirty dress -
though it was whiter than the bones
you spoke of
and warmer than the sun
you picked from your teeth
you came out of the forest
sacred as love on a Judas tongue
with a mouth ripe as sun
pretty as the sky it
fell from but I was not the one
to save you.
Quick as you came
you put on your black boots,
found your exit in that dark water,
leaving me with the memory of
your voice against my ribs
and a smile inside out.
Ava Noire
January 15, 2007
In a list
A contest entry
- Trophies for Table Mountain(s)... by Nicolette.
700 points, ended February 3, 2007, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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Yes, an amazing work of art.
Excellent!
Sag
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this is amazing!!!! I cant say anything more than that.
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I haven't stopped by in a while and so glad that I am. There are some writes that you have where the metaphors aren't clear and I search to find meaning in them, but not this one. I loved it!!!
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so bleak and pretty..
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Great lines: "the sun you picked from your teeth," the first few lines (unraveling your skin!) which tells most of the story right there, "you couldn't love my dirty dress- though it was whiter than the bones you spoke of."
You have done a beautiful job of conveying how he portrays himself (your voice was pure as Jesus in my ear. while he is truly a "Judas" who withholds himself from you.
One of the best poems I have read in quite a while.
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"In the half-lit
drunkenness before night
I’d watch your mouth
as you spoke of bones
and wondered if you
unraveled my skins
you’d find anything
worth looking for."
my roommate is taking anatomy. i am trying to figure out who i am. this is our life.
The second "your voice"... can you use something else? It's a little repetitive. But absolutely wonderful... don't worry. It's beautiful.
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As pure as Jesus in your ear?
That doesn't sound too pure.
More like a pain in the neck.
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you couldn’t love my dirty dress -
though it was whiter than the bones
you spoke of
and warmer than the sun
you picked from your teeth
I am guilty of not reading you enough. Perhaps then, I wouldn't be so damn reluctant to click on pieces...lol.
Loved this like diamonds dipped in Godiva chocolates.
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i haven't popped in on AP in while and i'm sad i could have missed things like this. this is really beauitful, subtle yet raw. keep it up, you have real talent/
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Hey there. Been a while.
This was smoothly written, but maybe not your highest notch of intensity. A little bit mellow. Well done, but not as forceful as I remember your work- or as devastating.
Part of it might be that the metaphors are not dug into further - for example, I like the placement of 'bones' - especially in the third stanza - but I want to see more detailed development of that imagery. More bones, in fact, incorporated. Although I do see ribs in stanza five - you could use a descriptive adjective there. It's a soft use of 'ribs', as they go.
I like stanzas one and five, especially "black boots" in five. Stanza four is not dressed up enough. 'save you' could use an image to make it come alive more.
You remain, of course, an awesome writer. I think this could be more intense. Also, you might get rid of the last sentence in stanza four and combine it with stanza five, let the lack of saving be implicit in putting on black boots and returning into the forest. Pushing those lines closer together might make them a more evocative pair...
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Good Write!! I enjoy your poetry very much!
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Terrific imagery and development in this. Very nicely done.
Just a comment since I see you've been working with the first stanza... I love all the resonances and imagery, but the actual meaning blurs a bit based on the multiple referents and possibilities. I just want to suggest a couple possibilities.
Given the past tense and sense of wondering, this could be more suggestive: not "if you were to do" but wonder "if you have":
and wondered if you'd
unraveled my skins
to find anything
worth looking for.
Or make the wonder-er more clearly you by creating agreement in verb tense between watch and wonder:
I’d watch your mouth
as you spoke of bones
and wonder if you
unraveled my skins
Or make the wonder-er more clearly the other:
as you spoke of bones
and wondered if
unraveling my skins
would uncover
anything worth finding.
(I know: too many "ings" and I garbled your rhythms)
Just thinking out loud... this is great.
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Is this water on the ...
Lungs or a pain in a chest. I have a pain in the chest. I think your poem is great and you are too. But I have this pain in the chest. It's smoke related.
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this is so beautiful and sad. oh yeah, and i really like your AP name. =]
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It's poetry such as this that has me realize more and more how much your writing has been missed.
So glad to find this here. Your images are as stunning and vivid as ever.
Kimmie
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I wanted to applaud this again, but the system won't allow me...!!
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I still like this poem as much as I’ve liked it the first time I read, yet every time I read it I find something new. There is indeed something about this “wet” poem that moves the branches of the heart. A wonderful piece of metaphorical writing – melancholic and the sense of loss here spoken with such a soft voice. The last two stanzas are my favourites; perhaps because I can relate to it so very well – especially the line “but I was not the one to save you”, as well as “found your exit in that dark water, leaving me with the memory...”. Beautiful poetry that makes me wish I had written it. Thank you so much for this entry.
~ Nicolette
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I am not sure yet, let me re-read it!!
It has been so long since I have read anything that you have written that I feel as if I am a stranger returning to my hometown. I like how you are mixing up the sun and bones, but other than that maybe I am just not getting this one. I do like the style and the underlying hint of danger in this though -
Your hyperboles are ones to which I relate. All the edgy stuff.....the things that have to be fangled, mangled and torn to tell, I get it.
Cutty sark as per your detail, there are a few
places where, were they mine-the enjambs could've been placed differently
"you couldn’t love my dirty dress -
though it was whiter than the bones
you spoke of
and warmer than the sun" I would leave out the 'and'.
I see no other way to have tweaked this. It's brill as are most of yours.
Earth to heaven, a 'please' to those things only humans can quake.
Loved it!!!
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"and warmer than the sun
you picked from your teeth", thoughts like these are so original for me. Overall, this is an incredible read!!!!! Your last Stanza,for me, is one of the most expressive I have ever felt!!! Now if I could only fathom writing so well!!!
God Bless you for Your Poetry!!!!
Truly, a writer's inspiration to have read your thoughts with this one!!!
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amazing
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Amazing!
Hey girl! Haven't been around lately, *sigh* I NEED a new puter! *sobs* Anywho, how's the lil one? How old is she now? 5? I can't remember. This was beautiful! I always love reading your work! Well, I'm only on break at work right now, so here's to hoping I get a chance to get on again soon! -
Saw this was edited. And actually, I think it's improved. Especially the verse breaks. There's one little thing, however, in the first stanza that bugs me. You say:
"and wondered if you
could unravel my skins
if you’d find anything
worth looking for."
The repetition of "if"s is unnecessary here in my opinion. You could just say:
"and wondered if you
could unravel my skins
you’d (or, would you, + question mark at the end) find anything
worth looking for."
Or then again, if you really want to keep that "if" there, there's always:
"and wondered when you
would unravel my skins
if you’d find anything
worth looking for."
Anyway, that may change the meaning of the verses however. So yer. Just suggestions. I'm sure it's fine as it is anyway.
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thanks hun, I made the changes
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lovely poetry
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This poem has an uncanny sensory tension that is rewarding in its own right. As a reader, there were times when I flew through the poem, as if it was a rant. I wonder if that was your intention. The cadence of the poem, to me only as a reader, didn't allow it. I had that conflict. so I guess my only criticism is for more structure through syntax. I enjoyed how you built upon the sun and the bones, as springboard metaphors. Their respective repitition in the poem was profound for me. It gave me a better understanding of his oppressive nature and her victimized state of being.
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Wow.
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Lines of joy and disappointment, the reality of love and those passions similar.
Uriah
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funny how memories leave an unspoken voice within our minds...
somehow never letting us go
My friend you have me thinking with this!
Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
Bill -
I don't know that this is in need of "mucho editing" - I rather like it in its raw form, it has a beauty and a freshness from this first write that just breathes and demands reading.
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Very Impressive
Very well written and expressive...I like the tone you set throughout the piece but it seems to get thrown off a little by the line breaks...Changing them would make it flow more smoothly...
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I think this is very good, maybe the line breaks could be adjusted, but all in all there is not much work that needs done to it. I wish you well.
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wow! nice to hear from you again!
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OH, I remember days and nights like this....hum...reminds me of when my son was an infant...the second child creates shifts in the home...no matter how lovely, it is always bittersweet.
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True. It is different. The topic maybe? Or how you approach it? The format or the near narrative tone, perhaps. Not the figurative speech, however, nor the voice. Nor the brilliance. This is very well executed. Change is good, in any case. I very much enjoyed this. Especially the first stanza and four last verses.
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I agree with Al about the line breaks (lol, both of us are into line breaks lately). This poem is just beautiful and you may write love poetry, Tina! I liked the metaphor of Jesus and Judas here - the contradictions, the differences and the way the poem moves from the beautiful "wet" to the "dark water". Wonderful poetry.
~ Nicolette
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I don't believe this needs as much editing as you may think, I might try messing with the line breaks, maybe less one and two word lines, but the poem itself is very strong and one I found very impressive.
al
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thanks
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I like this. It seems much different than many of your former works, nevertheless, it is very well expressed and written.
I look forward to reading your revised edition as well.
Lea
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