once I felt you as chaos
beautiful swirling emotions in no pattern
your light I could not deny
mesmerized by the sounds and colors
flying around me, enveloping me
unpredictable beauty
if I opened my eyes
I would have viewed your mundane life
lack of compassion
selfish existence
the hatred you harbor as your own
I was blinded by the music
silenced by your body
touches so profound I lost myself
unwillingly my heart became unbound
caught up in never never land
only in my dreams
can I fly freely there
eventually I must wake
as my heart beat speeds
and the terror returns once more
for your chaos sped out of control
my colors fading to shades of gray
call it what you will
for in you were planted seeds of insanity
I watched you tend your garden
felt the hatred grow and grow
the dark winter days feeding the rage
gone is my never never land
wings bloody stumps upon my back
only the terror remains
nightmarescapes clawing at my soul
in my dreams I see only you
fields in the distance
black clouds overhead
that scythe gripped in your hands
swinging over and over again
slicing away at my happiness
I see that burlap bag
know you're sowing
your seeds of insanity in my head
A contest entry
- Dark, Morbid, Insane, Disturbing Options and Nothing But by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended February 16, 2007, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Unique Poetry by nikkia.
600 points, ended April 14, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Ode To The Twilight Zone by skilter.
775 points, ended November 15, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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i liked this, very well written. thank you for adding this to the contest.
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this is so raw and gives me a little bit of an understanding of who you are. i really love your style, i can tell that it's very you. i appreciate the entry and good luck in the contest
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sad
sad but well done . . like your word choices . . also liked "once I felt you as chaos" and "in my dreams I see only you" . . many men are really this way it seems . . good job !
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It's disturbing how one person can have total and utter control over you and how you feel. I love the last stanza, very dark but beautiful imagery... Almost as if she is somehow the Grim Reaper, or some other bringer of bad news and death. She controls you and consumes you.
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Even if you are not going to capitalize anything but the pronoun I, you still need to put commas where they need to be within the lines (the end stop of a line can act as a comma) so that the reader is not tripped up by things running together.
You use too many words. You can eliminate most pronouns, adjectives, conjunctions, modifiers and definitive articles without affecting the meaning of the poem in any way.
You should also be aware of adjectives, since it is there job to tell, but it is a poet’s job to show.
So, with that in mind, instead of telling me emotions “beautiful” and “swirling,” which are not only telling words, but uninspired as well, how could you show it in a more original way? What do “beautiful swirling” emotions look like? How do they make you feel?
once I felt you as chaos
kaleidoscope of emotions that made me dizzy,
That is rather cliché, but it is only an example. I am sure you can do better.
You need a comma between the words “light” and “I” in the third line.
Instead of telling me you are “mesmerized,” how could you show me?
Be aware of how many present participles (words that end with ING) you use. Present participles are passive and weak. The active verb is almost always stronger.
my eyes spun like the sounds and colors
fly around me. Enveloped by
beauty as unpredictable as a humming bird.
Again, I am sure that you can do better than that.
I am going to stop critiquing there. I think you can get the idea from there.
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Thankyou very much. I will work on these things. Chaos in this piece has personal meaning but I understand and accept the point. I do have a rather abrupt style and would like to improve.
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