A fallen regiment about me
a field where a thousand corpses lie
the color seargent's banner tattered
hanging against a blood-red disk of shattered sun.
That sun is weary
weary of looking down on blood
it mirrors its visions to me.
It aches to set
but it will drown in blood.
It hovers restlessly.
The eagle cried woe as it soared above my brethren,
leading them on to a battle half won.
Seven trumpets blared the charge,
their voices bruising the bleeding clouds.
Doomsday, Apocalypse, call it what you want.
That was the day of the Last Eagle.
We fought valiantly against ourselves
and almost made it.
We would have lived
if the eagle hadn't awakened in us
a thirst for our own blood.
We drank deeply of its draught
and inebriated ourselves with the nectar of the war gods.
The gilded eagle led the orgy.
Some furious collision of beaks and claws
drove us together
and the dirt ran red
the streams choked with filth
the trees became black as they drank the rain of blood.
The cannons thundered their approval overhead.
Bayonet met flesh
wounded men fought with tooth and nail
as we fought:
not for glory, not for safety, not for our wretched lives
but for blood.
The air thrummed with screaming lead.
Men fell by the thousands,
yet we would not die.
Some had bullets punch their hearts
fingers a red and black mass from holding back the crimson tide
and yet, they would not die.
Licking their own blood like jackals,
they fought on.
What have you done to us, eagle?
You bribed us, flattered us,
told us your draught would open our eyes.
It has: to slaughter.
Our thirst for violence will never be quenched.
Against an aching sky
the lonely eagle sits atop his banner post.
Tattered rags flutter from the shaft,
which stands upright like a mast
from the chest of him that bore it;
a sail to speed him on his way to Hades.
Beside him, his brother lies,
he who drove the standard home.
Home to where it belongs:
the veins of men.
The last eagle cries woe
above a field where a thousand corpses lie-
silhouetted against the bloody backdrop of the sky:
a shadow of what it could have been,
it might have been,
had other hands fashioned its gilded wings,
had some deity (perhaps Chaos?) not imbued it
with the power to blind men to all but blood.
It laughs triumphantly as even the sun
succumbs to the crimson tide.
Chaos is complete.
Author notes
We just read Stephen Crane's Red Badge of Courage. That's where this REALLY dark poem comes from. Your title really inspired me to Cranism. Very dark for me...
P.S.- option #5 for the pre-wrtes from 2007 contest
P.P.S.- This poem will save my life b/c it's probably the best poem I've ever written. For once there is a vivid picture which I obviously have communicated to my readers. And I like it, so there!
A contest entry
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Honorable mention
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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Wow. This is breathtakingly realistic and so harsh! "We fight not for glory (...) but for blood." I guess this shows the other side of wars. Definitely well done!
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wonderful flow... incredible imagery...
Just amazing...
Nicely done!
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I have to agree with WordWraith there is a lot of parts that are to repetitive, which doesn't fit the overall aspect of the poem. THis realy was well written though. This poem was great and the metaphors really made the poem shine. It isn't perfect, I would suggest going back to the beginging and smoothing out the rough edges. However besides that this really was a great poem. Message me if you want your score, make sure to include the name of your poem. Thanks for entering.
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Not bad
There are some aspects that seem repetitive. There's a stanza where you repeat blood several times over. I felt like even though it was very descriptive, that it took away from the intensity of the poem by repeating the blood thing so much. I liked the poem, it was good and long as well. While it is good, it may stand for a tid bit of reworking. Other than a few areas where it seems a little awkward, you did a great job.
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Your words were very decriptive. It painted a dark picture That surrounded me as I read every word. great job. good luck in the contest and thank you for entering.
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Brilliant write... Don't really know what to say but the fact your vocabulary is very good and you explain your meaning very well.
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I think the idea behind " holding back the crimson tide/ above a field where a thousand corpses lie-" was pretty dark and bleak. The whole prospect of being deceived and embracing greed to this extent, going and going until destruction and complete death, well, it's pretty dark.
I read this and thought surely, what an epic battle. You could contrive histories behind this, turning it into a book no doubt. What a fantasy this could create. It also kind of struck me as a fairytale, or a fable, with a bit of a moral to it. Very well done.. a lot of excellent, excellent imagery and word usage.
The repetition of the blood/red/crimson was also well done, I felt the layout definately added to the poem. Also the allusions and references to some ancient history/mythology.. well used too.
Best of luck in the contest! Thanks for taking the time to enter, I'm sorry about the delay in commenting and judging.
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I didn't think this was actually a very dark poem. I thought there was loads of imagery though, and it is very well-written. Great metaphors.
Thankyou for entering (this and a hundred other contests) and good luck,
Katie -
intense
VIvid imagery ...
Excellent poem..
TY for entering and good luck
Lynda
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Very well done!
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Nice message, though somewhat hidden, and great use of metaphors. Very well done with personifying the eagle as well. Try not to repeat the same word too often. Sometimes it emphasizes a poem, but when you're using the word as an adjective again and again, it drags the feel down. Thanks so much for entering and good luck.
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Very good this poem has alot of metaphors and underlying messages in it. Very well done makes one think. Thanks for entering and best of luck!
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Wow, this is a really interesting poem. I don't know if you did this one purpose, but to me it seems that the eagel symbolizes America, and the poem is about America sending people out to fight, brotehr against brother. That may not be what it was about, but that is what I got...
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Intriguing!!!!
Very nice I loved how you gave the eagle human characterizes and it's very beautiful as well as intriguing to me. Thank you for sharing this masterful write with me as well as everyone else.
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Lots of contests entered... WOW! Hope you place well. Thanks for entering.
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thank you for entering!
over all score is a 5 -
Abit long, but darkness of it, was very appealing to me in all aspects. You should look for other words besides 'blood'. Words like that, repeated, drag the piece down. Don't retain water, k?
Great job, good luck-
~Lindsay
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Very bloody and graphic, but good. Well written with lots of detail and intensity.
Good luck in the contest,
-Dlvvanzor -
I commend you for your work.
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intriguing
This is excellent. The words and the flow of those words is GREAT. The story is captivating and remarkable. I love this write. The colors are obvious, but the whole page is.. beautifully horrid. Without a line it would be incomplete. Did you receive something in the contest?
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World War III?
Your themes remind me of some events in the Book of Revelation which will occur in the future. I like the imagery you use to show your story rather than just telling it. I particularly like the imagery and personification in these lines: "The trees became blsck as they drank the rain of blood / the cannons thundered their approval overhead." The "eagle" in your poem reminds me of the verse of Scripture that Jesus spoke: "For wherever the carcass is, there the eagles will be gathered together" (Matthew 24:28).
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You have to get some sort of prize for having entered this in so many contests! That is fabbo, fabbo, fabbo! Be sure not to enter it in mine. Best of luck (you may need it) HYooha! nYeeho!........ xxxxx Edna
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a very dark poem indeed, lots of blood and gore
thank you very much for your entry and good luck in the contest
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I like that you described even the sky as "aching." Which I would think rightly so after seeing such bloodshed. I like "air thrummed," but find "crimson tide," a bit overused.
Overall, well done.
Thanks for entering.
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very sad, yet well done!
when i first saw this, it made me think of siena-don't know why....
^___________^ -
Perhaps a Stephen Crane meets Michael Moorcock comparison is better. Very dark and vary hopeless, unless the point is that hipe is pointless and therefore the mere randomness provides chance for victory. I am curious if the eagle represents the Union, or Germany in WWII. Without the modern emphsis on weapons, it could be Rome
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wow.
this is a very extremely dark piece. I dont know if I understand it very well, it makes me think of war, what with the bayonets meating flesh. And yes, war is depressing, but this is not quite the depressing I was going for. I don't mean anything by that, just saying...but from what I understand of it it is a beautiful piece in a disturbing way. I still don't understand where the eagle comes in? I don't know? Thanks so much for entering! Have a wonderful day. -
great writ epoet you have a way with words...i haven't read that crane book is it as good as your poem is...if so i think i should read it...lol...good luck in the contest poet...best of wishes.
-Cunningtrickster-
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Wow, I read this and was completely happy with it... until I came to the ending
I feel your poem would be one of the best I have ever read if you were to change the ending... it is very weak. An amazing write. Thanks for entering.
-Ryan -
Beautiful. An amazing, epic write. This is gorgeous. It's well thought-out and put together. Tragically beautifu
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This piece really nice potential and really great description. You kept to your theme well and had some interesting and catchy lines. Congrats and good luck in the contest!
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God Lord!
Truely an epic write! A wonderously described visa from both above and below. Your personification was amazing, and the second to last stanza wholely embodied the feel and flow of the piece.
I entered this, but if you beat me (which, after reading this, is most likely), I will feel no grugde. A superiour write, indeed!
Much good luck!
Burmina
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