The bathroom was a white-walled prison
at 3 AM on Tuesday,
Winter’s loneliness clung to the ceiling
like clouds refusing to melt from the sky.
Moonlight hung behind tree silhouettes,
tapped icy fingers on window glass.
without waiting for an answer
slipped through the gauze
and reached out between the shadows
for a far corner.
Two wet eyes stared past the frozen light,
blinked but wouldn’t smile.
tears tumbled, exploding on dull tiles
in a wash of monochrome fire.
Silence chilled her bones and
darkness weaved it’s potent magic
gripping her throat in a sleepless coma.
Blind blood on lips,
she screamed voiceless love; invisible.
She watched this dream five thousand nights
and somehow found her way
to dawn.
Author notes
~I just couldn’t sleep . . . ~
~ Something worse than insomnia is mental insomnia . . . ~
Critical comments recieved with open arms. 
DancingRed.
In a list
A contest entry
- Snapshots by FindingFate.
475 points, ended January 25, 2007, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Level One: Difficulty: Painless by IndividualEleven.
600 points, ended January 29, 2007, 182 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Battle of the Bronze by th3sl4y3r.
580 points, ended June 14, 2007, 107 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments are most welcome.
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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this is wonderfully written, the imagery is very strong and the wording is great... it flows very nicely... I really like these lines...
"Moonlight hung behind tree silhouettes,
tapped icy fingers on window glass.
without waiting for an answer
slipped through the gauze
and reached out between the shadows
for a far corner.
Two wet eyes stared past the frozen light,
blinked but wouldn’t smile.
tears tumbled, exploding on dull tiles
in a wash of monochrome fire."
this poem is wonderfully worded, well done!!
thank you for entering my contest and good luck..
peace and light always.. -
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Thanks for the comment and applause!
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Gorgeous.
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hmm..
in this poem, i dont only see insomnia. truthfully, i see something else hidden in this poem. you have feelings, but not only about this insomnia that is experienced. its a feeling of.. sadness...
but while reading this, i was brought back to a night like that that i have gone through. it seriously envolopes your senses, and moves you to past times..
great write!
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Yes, I see this poem as something darker and deeper than physical insomnia. It's about a metaphorical depression and 'finding the light.'
Thanks for the comment and applause. Much appreciated!
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honestly that is the creepest insomina i have ever read
good work on discribing such insomina and thanks for the add to the reading list
~~Chef W.B.
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Thanks for the comment!
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Well I really don't have anything too critical to offer. The piece is written well. My only suggestion would be to either use your periods and punctuation right; or not at all. When it is used for 'effect' it really alters the flow. Overall this is a great write and thank you for the entry
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Thanks for the comment!
How do you think I could improve the punctuation in this piece? Do you prefer poetry without punctuation at all? (I know Iike poetry with commas & periods!)
And perhaps you could tell me where you thought the punctuation wasn't the best.
Thanks again. Great contest!
DancingRed.
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I know the feeling, insomnia and I go way back... I take pills for it now, but I sit on my bathroom floor counting the tiles more often than not, in fact, its a theme and phrasing that comes up every now and then in my poetry..
As for critical suggestions, I rather like this as is, anything specific you wanted suggestions about?
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Thanks for the comment!
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WONDERFUL WRITE!
I think everyone has gone through this several times in their life. I often have these nights when sleep just won't come because of my thoughts that just won't leave.
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Thanks for the comment!
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Excellent!!
Wow! Intense insomnia you had! This piece is extremely well written. Imagery was potent, flow was flawless, nice use of alliteration in a couple of lines, the metaphor was charged and energetic. I can't see one thing I would suggest changing in this write! Amazing work! Best of luck to you in the contests you've entered!
~Lori
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Thank you ever so much! Amazing comment!
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A very nice write. Very good imagery, flow and tone. Very good expression of feeling. Vivid descriptives. Good word choice. Nice metaphor and alliteration. . You paint a unique picture of insomnia. A well crafted piece.
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Thanks ever so much for this lovely comment!
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very nicely .....
put...i enjoyed reading the struggle author is portraying...using some very strong yet subtle imagery..very well done.....keep writing...best, radical
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Thanks for the comment and applause! Very much appreciated.
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wow
That's a damn good poem to be written because you couldn't sleep! Bravo! Very nice!
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Ooh, applause! Thanks! I'm glad you liked this.
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I hate insomnia! Those sleepless nights are so mind numbing. I suppose writing is a wonderful way to pass the time though during those nights.
Great work here on your poem. I loved the 2 lines at the end of the first stanza: winter's loneliness & clouds melting...very creative!
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Actually, I originally had it as 'clung to the ceiling like icicles', but for some reason changed it to fit in 'the sky.' So I'm glad you liked it!
Thanks for your beautiful comment.
DancingRed,
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I love this such a beautiful write.. I know the feeling only too well..drawn to darkenss then given light..
Best wishes
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Thanks for your lovely comment and applause!
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i can relate to this in so many ways... and i applaud you for writting this...you are very very talented!!!!! keep it up!
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Thanks!
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Nice poem. I'm an insomniac myself so I can relate deeply to this poem. I read it at 4:50am and I hadn't gone to sleep yet.
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Wow, thanks for the comment.
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Well, I saw you were in the second place position on the front page about the people with the most comments, and I wanted to say congrats! About the poem:
A great poem about insomnia! I can't find anything I didn't like about it! I just hate when I can't sleep, I can relate because I feel like this, too. Great work!
Cassie
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Thanks for the lovely comment!
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No problem!
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wow this is a great piece indeed!! Shows that there is hope afterall!!! good luck in the contest!!!
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Yes, even after the deepest darkest night there is always a dawn. Thank you for your kind comment and applause.
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GREAT JOB!!!!!
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Thank you ever so much!
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