Rain
hits my face
cool and refreshing
Author notes
Under construction
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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authors notes r long
Dang notes r longer than the poem lol I love the rain it makes me feel like I am free for at least one moment in time -
Humm...looks like this has been very frustrating for you, but your persistence has done wonders for the haiku. It might not have a big "aha" moment in L3 that Myron and the others speak of, but the images are very clear. The first haiku-workshop in this series that I entered was very hard for me and took multiple revisions, but eventually...I kinda learned to like them. Shhhh...don't tell Myron!
Good luck in the contest, and I hope this doesn't discourage you from trying another haiku in the future!
Best wishes,
~J.
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Rain
drops of water hit my face
cool and refreshing
Thank you for entering our contest. I see that you have made many changes already. I like your last revision, but I have only one suggestion. Do you really think that you need the words, "drops of water". Rain pretty much gives you the impression of drops of water. I just ask that you consider my comments and see how it sounds to you.
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I revised it
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Hello again!- I see you are revising yours like a demon too! I had another go at changing yours:
heavy dark blanket
covers me deep in a veil--
mourning cruel daylight
See what you think. -
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This time I don't think I have the guts to change it. Your wording seems to make it more complex when really your supposed to flat out say it. Myron's wearing off on me. I mean just say it. No need to go into to detail. Just say it. It seems like the more simple it is the better it is. At least that's what I'm getting from Myron. I don't know. This is last time that I try to write a haiku.
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hi! good to see that you have revised this. it's a pity you didn't leave the original there so that we can see how this haiku has progressed. is it possible to put it back there so that we can see both versions?
i think your last line is more of a statemnt than an image. perhaps you can SHOW the readers what went dark. ie: the oak is black
or something like that.
haiku can be frustrating can't they?
myron.
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thanks
thanks for trying your hand at a haiku and for entering it into our contest.
haiku do not have titles, so here at AP we often use the first line of our haiku in lieu of one.
it seems to me that you are writing about the darkness of night and that has another symbolic meaning as well. it's ok, but the language you use here seems to be a little too poetic for haiku. (that's an annoying thing about haiku isn't it? what is good poetry, doesn't always make good haiku, as the rules are slightly different.)in most good haiku the language is conversational in tone and the images are crisp and clear.
i don't know if you feel like revising this poem, but if you do, please let us know, so we can comment further on it.
best wishes,
myron. -
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ok. I revised my haiku. I hope it meets all the standards.
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I honestly don't know what to do. I'm awful at haikus.
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Strangely, I really like this haiku now! It's loaded with meaning. Well done for being brave enough to change it.
And congratulations for having the original concept. -
Nice.
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I like the concept. Haiku has to (but not always) follow a 5:7:5 rule.
Try this:
your inky blackness
covers me deep in a veil
setting sun has gone
I am no expert.
PS- if this wins I want yer points!
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