No crack, no bang
No dramatic turn,
But still I fell.
Blood flowing,
But joy knowing
That soon I’d leave this hell
Morphine pumping,
Pain numbing,
A pretty nurses face.
Un-conscious,
Un-responsive,
I’ve left that place.
A contest entry
- Nothing Boring by cali951.
500 points, ended December 3, 2007, 104 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Perfection by adsaige.
600 points, ended October 12, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best PREWRITES.... by wakingdevil.
600 points, ended January 22, 2008, 59 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your oldest prewrite poems and my 20th contest by stargazer..
650 points, ended April 20, 417 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Kind of a lyrical short write, with a nice flow to it.Thanks for entering
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Direct and hard hitting, like the very bullet that hit. You've used short anmd poweful words to create a staccato rhythm in this poem. I liked the use of rhyme to tie it together - with the short lines this works very well.
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Judged
Hm...first off, you should present this poem, try to...accent the words... The words and the imagery were flowing, it went to and fro together until it cam to a short and winding stop...and the background did not flatter this at all. I feel like if you wanted to, you could write to this, or make something to else to re-accent this into two pieces....
For the moment, I like this and will add it to the FINALIST list...we'll see what we can do. Thank you for entering and good luck. -
Wow to be so shorts it s well detailed but i dont get the end what did you leave life because you were shot im a lil confused can you tell me but this is still a good poem
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Welcome to allpoetry
Wow, this reads like someone dying in a hospital. interesting read, thanks for sharing.
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy -
short sweet and to the point, i like it. I intially thought use of words like "blood", "flowing" and "hell" where a bit cliched but thinking about it, that matters not. War isnt really something that, if your in it, you want to dwell on too much. Theres no point in romanticisng something so obscene. I like this poem because it reminds me of emotions and feelings that conflict brings. When your in the heat of it, its pure reflex, single minded drive to just ti what needs to be done. No time for flamboyant language and poetic musings. This is brilliantly blunt and to the point, like an artillery shell. Gd stuff.
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