Entity
Clouds of gas and seas of dust
whirl in layers round a turbid well
which gathers density and force.
Concealed inside a cyclone spun through darkness,
hidden meaning flares flush against compression
and opens like an eye, wide with burning gaze,
its heavy lids thrown back against the void.
For aeons faint reflections cycle round
this fluid presence held haloed in the night,
concentrating dreams deep into the light,
into a stillness wrapped in fusion storms.
In time the fires dissipate
to vapors, glowing like a distant jewel,
which fades into the emptiness.
Colony
Vapors glow amid the gloom,
phantoms waiting to return to life
or fade forever from perception.
Splashed across an easel framed from absence,
a hidden brush portrays rays in random molds,
dispersed as tracts of foam frothed beneath the moon
to bulge about the heart of mystery.
Potential blooms like tufts of baby's breath
with scattered silhouettes wound throughout the fields
where waves of motion spread spectrums far through time
to ripple in the skies of countless worlds.
A hundred billion modes of thought
glimmer like a liquid fused with light,
spiraled round a well of doubt.
Balance
Suspended like an ornament,
the master clock wheels slowly through the void,
seconds passed in fluid count.
Cogs and coils gyrate, stretch, and snap,
countless turning gears gripped by gravity,
which sends the broad machine churning through the dark,
momentum bound to arcs across the deep.
Throughout the ages systems come and go,
little flecks of light lit for stellar moments
like after-image flares fading from the mind,
half remembered from a distant past.
In time the random orbits dim
and yellow like a blurry cataract
across the burning eye of god.
Author notes
to learn more about the trisect: allpoetry.com/column/1780251
In a list
Thoughts, Feelings, Interpretations, Experience:
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
-
I love it. I'm just amazed on how you use your words. it just blows me away. I'm afraid i don't have an interpretation for these. but i do know that i just absolutely love and adore your words.
-
-
Well, you do have an interpretation. It just may be that you don't trust them enough to share. But, if you find you do, then here is the place.
The visual impressions and related thoughts that come to mind, along with any feelings invoked, are your interpretive experience of the poem. These can be challenging to put to words. But as a poet, it's well worth the exercise to try.
-
-
Now that's what I'm talking about mayuhn
Oh yes, now you iz goin' for da gold!
-
Excellent
The first section of the poem seems to concentrate nature and the beginning and eternal nature of earth’s elements; it does this by focusing on a ‘cyclone’ but adapting the cycle of the cyclone to show how it corresponds and is part of the natural order.
The first stanza of the first section represents of elements are constantly in a state of flux and becoming and unbecoming, this is shown in the line ‘gathers density and force’. All elements are ever changing and you managed to show end and beginning together as one.
The second stanza seems to be a continuation of the first stanza theme explained above, specifically the lines:
Ln2 hidden meaning flares flush against compression
Ln3 and opens like an eye, wide with burning gaze,
Taking line two, it is indicated that there is insignificance but yet greatness being part of a whole and the third line shows that it will continue to go on ‘eye… …burning gaze’. The ‘heavy lids’ line also indicates it fads even as it has birthed, showing the true state of nature, life and earth. This stanza, the second of the first section concludes the birth of the cyclone.
Taking both the first and second stanza’s collectively we can see shades of air, gravity and even water in various forms, this is shown is a number of ways; not least the compression and ‘dust motes’. You further develop the nature elements in the third and fourth stanzas.
The third stanza again focuses on a nature elements but not specifically organic, the element I am talking about is of course though and specially imagination as indicated by the line:
Ln3 concentrating dreams deep into the light
…the line also leads to another indication of collective need and connectedness, ‘…wrapped in fusion storms’.
Parasitically it also goes further and shows the elements of contemplation and change, elements of higher evolutions of nature. I should probably note that humans are not exactly part of the natural order as we (they?) once were.
Perhaps I am being cynical but humans of lesser ages were probably less inclined towards wanton destruction; you may have noticed how I use duel terms we/they. This third stanza also shows the cyclone as its height, effecting every element and object around itself.
The fourth stanza shows the death and dissipation of the cyclone in such a way that it also indicates renewed growth and change, which has been reached by stages as indicated by above.
As to the elements and their collectiveness in an endless cycle, they are not so clear in this final phase of the first stage. Fire is mentioned and can be linked but it seems merely like a directed indirect example compared to water (vapour), which is again perfectly indicated since in the act of dispersing it loses the vapour that created it.
Looking back using the vapour element it becomes clearer that the ‘compression’ in the first stanza could have a double meaning (Gravity (Compression) Water (Vapour (Compressed water))).
On the whole the first section does a god job of encompassing nature’s elements into a collective scheme and showing the monumental power of the natural world in motion. Therefore in a way the first section shows the ever renewing cycle of life, death and renewal; when I thin about the title in relation to the title ‘entity’, I may hazard a guess that your intent was to show a beginning and show how it is also a renewal and may have occurred millions of times before.
Note: The first section s both a beginning and a collected start and end, therefore to make my thoughts clear I will reason out the second section from start to finish to make it clearer.
The first stanza of the middle section can be directly linked to the end of the first section. Since water or specifically vapour was one of the closely tied themes the vapours ‘returning to life’ would be the aftermath of death; its renewal in simple terms. This is of course indicated by the line:
Ln2/3 phantoms waiting to return to life
The central theme of rebirth is re-affirmed by the second stanza and specifically the word ‘splashed’, this seems to be the link word that is connecting the (second section, first stanza), that shows renewal and is essentially a conclusion to the first section to the middle section of the story, which although you have named it ‘colony’, I think re-growth or perhaps something similar (renewal), would be more appropriate.
-------------
At this point the poem can be seen clearer in the mind of the reader and I will explain abit here; while the first and middle sections are ‘nature cycle’ and ‘Re-growth’, respectively.
To follow the string of logic I will be cryptic here, the final section is the entirety of the first two sections and transcends them both while binding them closer.
--------------
As I stated above the central theme seem to extend passed the first section to re-growth:
Ln1 – {Splashed across an easel framed (1)} {from absence (2)},
Ln2 - a {hidden brush (3a)} portrays {rays in random molds (3 },
Ln3 – {dispersed as tracts of foam frothed beneath the moon (4)}
Ln4 - to {bulge about the heart of mystery (5)}.
Now the second stanza is a particularly in-depth and meaningful in terms of the poem as a whole; for this reason you will need to direct your attention to the above. The first point is abit dampening but it does but fit with the whole, that is the word ‘easel’ does fit within the parameters of a wonderfully constructed poem.
An easel is ‘freestanding upright support for a painter’s canvas or a blackboard, usually made of wood and having movable clamps’, consider this, an easel hold the frame or put simply the canvas of creation from which life is born. I understood immediately the effect you were aiming for and would like to add that you concentrated of the canvas (cycle of life (birth, death and re-growth)), thus by concentrating the reader on an easel you are redirecting them away from your pursued course.
Consider:
Splashed across a canvas, easel framed, {from absence (2)}
You will now note that the second part of the first line works better, rebirth from the canvas of life i.e. after dying in the old form, the canvas now represents a new growth and fits with the theme you have been following.
Indicated in the third (a) labelled section the ‘hidden brush’ can be interpreted as the movement and changing that is too small for the naked eye to perceive and is followed well by the symbolised growth of mould (Incidentally Mold is the market town and administrative centre of Flintshire, Wales).
The use of (4) and (5) is marvellously woven; the frothing under the moon is perfectly inserted as it conjures images that with grandeur made me think of the earth first forming billions of years ago. Although this could be considered a distracting inferment from the major flow, unlike the similar point before this adds to the rich tapestry of the conjured world. Especially when taken with the ‘heart of mystery’ line that implores the reader to imagine endless possibilities in re-growth (in other words evolution).
This bring up another point that I held back in explaining since it only now rears its head, the first section could be largely categorised as action and reaction but the second section follows a more worldly, imaginative course of ‘wonder’, rather than rationally explainable events.
The third section of the middle section is largely more vivid than the first two and dramatically illustrates the spread of new growth again expanding upon the re-growing from death to continuing the cycle through again. It also implies a link with the encompassed nature’s elements shown in the first section.
The most vivid imagery was created with the lines:
Ln3 - where waves of motion spread spectrums far through time
Ln4 - to ripple in the skies of countless worlds.
The last line specially showed great consideration, since ‘…countless worlds’ is indicative of nature and shines with its full spectrum of life. The ‘…spectrums far through time’ also proved effective in continuing the thoughts of nature cycle and fitted comfortably.
However the first two lines quite bland when taken with the last two, the stanza is of course very good but could possible be made better. Particularly notable the field reference seems ever so slightly out of place… only ever so slightly; however I would definitely consider changing the ‘…babies breath’ line as it differentiates itself from the current line of thought, some different word instead of baby could include (nature’s breath), (renewing breath), or perhaps (season’s changing breath).
The final stanza is apt in portraying the harshness of nature and while good in its statement of ‘modes of thoughts’, (‘mass of thoughts’ might go better) this stanza falls a bit short. The second line indicates the link of light and rebirth without any substance and the third line ‘well of doubt’ shows the potential for sudden death and disruption of the nature’s cycle. The stanza is well considered and ends this phase of the poem well, but could ever so possibly be ended more concisely; the scenery is so rich and ends to some extent abruptly.
The title of this section ‘colony’ fitted well and could be directly related to a particular line, however there is a more substantial content directed towards ‘re-growth; I have bandied that word around a lot in this section but taken as a whole it holds true and may be too obvious and colony to be seems ill-fitting. Some words that might suffice are enlargement, increase, expansion, development, augmentation, intensification or escalation (From my thesaurus).
-------
The above represents the end of the terrestrial cycle and moves to the symbolic/emotive final phrase, as to the style and movement forward it is very suitable to a final phase in the state that you have presented your scheme. At this point the way of life and its wonder and ever-changing glory is abundantly clear.
So, I am reminded of one of my favourite quotes:
‘I spent the afternoon musing on Life. If you come to think of it, what a queer thing Life is! So unlike anything else, don't you know, if you see what I mean.’
P. G. Wodehouse (1881 - 1975), British-born U.S. humorist.
I think it captures the empathy of this stage of you poem perfectly…
-------
The stanzas here serve to round-off the features of the earlier explored ideas and portrayed imagery. The first two stanzas are basically linked here, the first stanza, again following the 3,4,4,3 line system makes the first stanza an introduction to the purpose of the section. It is indicated that time flow and beats continuing onwards and does so too a vivid and marvellously ‘spiritual’ medium of words.
The second stanza, which directly affects the first, expanding and adding depth to the motion of time and adding friction this very mechanical feel. It was a very well conceived strategy and played on people’s notion that ‘time ticks forward like the hands of a clock’. There is also the subtle lilt towards gravity that connects nature to the moving of time and progression of life.
Again the third stanza shows its link to nature while remaining symbolic and clinging to the universe and stars as a metaphor for expansive thinking. Again some of the words in this third stanza are not quite……fitting.
{Countless changes do} come and go,
little flecks {twinkling and then gone}
like, {images all there yet not]
half remembered {is a} distant past.
The cordoned sections indicate how I would better consolidate the stand to both relate and conclude in the symbolic manner that you chose to pursue. This is of course just my opinion but if you look at the text and words such as ‘…stellar moments’ and ‘…flares fading from mind’ go to above the content and the reader may not relate as much to the overall feel. Though there is nothing wrong with what you wrote I merely mention the overdrawn distance in reference to you well contained parameters.
As I mentioned the possible gap in metaphorical distance in the third stanza so the possible over-reach of the third is a spectacular finish. As a finish the broad and vast polar opposites of below are aptly crafted:
{In time the random orbits dim}(1)
{and yellow like a blurry cataract
across the burning eye of god.}(2)
As you can see the first segment is subtle in its collusion of ending nature’s cycle, the second segment is obviously meant as a grand finale; nature may be self-preserving but all life ends when the Sun burns out. Its metaphoric end, both grand and short are a attainment of enlightenment in my opinion, if nature were a thinking ‘entity’ and its ‘colonies’ were sent out of ‘balance’, it would perceive that nothing lasts forever. In a most poetic fashion you have punctuated the ending with the ultimate truth and life death and renewal; that everything is connected and serves another.
So, the final section now has now gone, the symbolic flow of time and its grapples with forward motion are well shown here in the struggle that you portray and there is also the unknown, which is featured in a very apt mystic fashion. It serves well the round out the poem out in revealing an ultimate prevailing truth.
The title ‘Lapse’ is quite appropriate since it quite simply states what the ending portrays yet also does not reveal itself to be so until the very end. I enjoyed your poem very much and can safety assume that the casual reader can truly encompass the degree of thought that must have been used to accomplish a poem of such depth and meaning.
-
-
well it's too bad there's no way to recommend a critique to the spot light, i'd recommend this one. thanks for giving me such a thorough walk-through of your interpretive experience with this poem.
-
-
Very interesting
This is a pretty interesting piece. It is thought provoking for me and I enjoyed the subject. nice write.
-
I can't believe you don't like this poem!!! This is a great trisect! Very well written Erin.
-
Outstanding
Merry meet,
First off, I love poetry about astronomy. Not enough people look at the stars and wonder what is out there.
Second, I love this trisect. I'd see a couple of others, but they were not this good. I love the way the life of the universe winds it's way through this, like an old river winding through the earth. Each section has something to recommend it.
Your words wind their way through the soul of the reader as they follow the life cycle you describe.
Wonderful work.
Amythest
-
These r cool!!
Balance would have to be the best part, it has a very beautiful flow to it and the others were wonderful to read. Great Write!!
-
I like balance the best. I feel that it most describes what I am going through in my life personally right now. It is amazing to me that you always write something that touches me. Thank yo
-
Cool perspective. The rhythm too, feels natural, not forced. I like that. Let me read it again, more slowly this time
-
this is a great piece of work! very complex and the meaning is deep rooted!
You're wording was phenomenal in this piece and the over-all poem was extraordinary. You also incorporated nice imagery, and it was an extraordinary read. -
This is a very good ... three part poem? I was actually quite impressed by the subject matter, symbolizing beliefs, and how easy it is to believe things, but so difficult to back them up. Though this may be entirely opposite your meaning, this is what I took from your poem. It was a great write, and I'm glad I read it.
-
-
Nick! I'm excited about your comment. If you would, I'd really like to learn how you came to your interpretation of the poem, in some detail. It would mean a lot to me, and I'd return the favor five-fold by commenting sincerely on five of your poems.
-
-
Completely outstanding. This poem reminds me a lot of the way I write, and I like that about this. You have a great talent, and I hope you continue writing. Very nice trisect!! Such beautiful imagery
~ Kerri
-
This is a finely tuned write. The words were picked to fit the custom-suit, and that is a part of what writing is for if one uses just any ole word that pops in their head, how is it truly art. Like a child painting, the one who just splashes on the page isn't nessasarily art .. the real artist use craft to develop their work and for some, that craft is wordsmithing. I thought this worked well as a tricet and yet you found a different way to express it as well. Great write!!
~*Starr*~
-
That reminded me of 2001: A Space Odyssey! I just thought of the floating baby and everything. If you never saw the film, never mind. It's a great one, though. This looks like it could have been inspired by it. It reads like a strange acid trip where the images just swim by you in space.
-
NICE
i like it
good work -
i like your concept for the form of the poem, ive seen this type of form a few times already and i still find it rather amazing. its like chapters of a book and its so.. cool. these are very cliche phrases that make a whole lotta sense! there are cliche writers out there that write stuff that dont make much sense
but you're cool yeah. you must have spent quite a lot of time choosing the words. but i think when writing you should just let it flow, if not it becomes rather dead, you know what i mean? instead of stopping to perfect a stanza, then continue, the stopping again, etc. i dunno, just a random suggestion aiight! cool poem all in all i guess.
tells a story.
-
great write, very profound with some really good imagery, very well done,
regards,
floorboards.
-
I had to re-read this a couple of times to get it's full meaning, and I'm glad I did. This is a thinkers poem. To get the full meaning it almost MUST be read more than once.
I'm not certain how it could be made easier for the casual reader to absorb the first time through...but maybe that's the point? To make the reader think about it?
Either way, it's a great bit of poetry. Well done.
-
This is a beautiful poem,fresh imagery, good use of vocabularly. You seem to be quite intelligent, and I'm really interested in this 'trisect'. I've never heard of it. Is it a newly created form?
Good job,
~Lindsay -
I liked these meditative and extraordinarily absorbing pieces. Your language and style suits your poetry and adds to it's value and vibrancy. These titles are marvellously placed at the beginning of the pieces and really do give this a feeling of belonging and continuity. Thank you very much for your presence. Anthony.
-
I like how each section on this builds on the one before it... I thought that was neat about this... each one was different... yet related to the others as well..
This has that 'classic' Zahhar imagery that I've come to love and expect...
While I am not sure... I felt that you were actually talking about the universe... as a well created piece... as maybe God sees it... before, during and after it's creation... like I said... I'm not sure and am probably way off base with this...
Anyway, this IS well written... I just love the way you 'capture and describe' things... you always pay so much attention to detail and are so extra careful with each word.
I felt that this all worked together well.. my favorite part...
Throughout the ages systems come and go,
little flecks of light lit for stellar moments
like after-image flares fading from the mind,
half remembered from a distant past.
It just reminded me of maybe a shooting star... or a dying planet... but I thought it was beautiful.
~Melissa
-
-
i'll tell you what the foci are in an im. wonderful comment, and one that lets me see a lot of what you saw as you read.
-
-
Well it took God 6 days to create the universe, and scientists are still trying to interpet our solar system, but it takes Erin 6 weeks to put his impressions into poetry, not bad when you think about it. Ill admit I have read this numerous times already today trying to see what it is you dislike about this piece, however Ive yet to see it as a dislikable piece of poetry. It has wonderful imagery as does most of your poems, and your impressions reach beyond the box giving the reader a new picture of the way the universe lives and dies. The only problem I had with this was with the "Balance" in the second stanza, the whole cogs and coils part. To me that entire stanza just doesnt seem to fit in with the rest of it. But then again what do I know lol after all this is an impression piece right. I like this Erin, they say we are our own worst critics, so I can understand why you are unsure about this, however to the rest of us it is as brilliant as the rest of your poems.
Take Care
-
-
Hi Suzee. I'm really glad you enjoyed this. Would you give me more feedback on why you feel that second stanza of "Balance" feels out of place? I was attempting to build on the clockwork machinery in relation to the mechanism of gravity and acceleration. It was a stretch, I'll admit, but the best I could think of.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 27 of 27
