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White Comet

In the eclipse of your eyes
through the sparkling coronas
magellanic clouds

Draconian law
held firmly between the sidereal
snap of your knees
My coma
is your gravity

you persist
in your celestial evolution,
while I continue
                  in my terrestrial,
                                      irregular syzygy.

Your blue
andromeda rescue,
and my martian red,
spiral apocalypse.

Polaris in my core could not spare me

from collision now.





Author notes

1.Corona
2.magellanic
3.draco(nian) you may or may not count it as you wish.
4.sidereal
5.coma
6.gravity
7.celestial
8.evolution
9.terrestrial
10.syzygy
11.blue
12.andromeda
13.martian
14.spiral
15.apocalypse
16.irregular

17.White
18.Coment (if you count the title)

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Knight70
    June 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    very talented poet

    For someone so young, you're way beyond your years in your gifts of creative expression through poetry.


  • Jillosophy
    January 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent job! The free form flow you acheived with these words that you had to use is exquisite. I loved this, good work!
    jill


  • deadcolor dreams
    January 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very beautiful poem. I really like the use of words, and the imagery was breath taking. Good luck to you in my contest, thank you for entering.

    For critical comment...

    I did notice there was a hiccup in the flow.

    Draconian law
    held firmly between the sidereal
    snap of your knees
    My coma
    is your gravity

    you persist in your celestial evolution,
    while i continue in my terrestrial, irregular syzygy.


    --

    notice how the lines length change so dramatically? This really bothered me, you need to even out the lines. See, it would work much better like this:

    Draconian law
    held firmly between the sidereal
    snap of your knees
    My coma
    is your gravity

    you persist
    in your celestial
    evolution,
    while i continue
    in my terrestrial,
    irregular syzygy.

    see, the lines even out a little, and I think it flows much better that way.

    Again, good luck, and thanks for entering!
    ~Lindsay


    • Fire-Pistil
      January 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      WoW Thanks for the suggestion, normally in my post read I do alot of moving line breaks and such, this work i put together kind of quickly, cus I was trying to punch out this idea your contest had given me, your line breaks make much more sense, I am actually going to alter mine slightly


  • honey bear
    January 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    very good

    this is a very good use of the word bank ,very creative i loved it,thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest

1 - 5 of 5