I lay down on my stomach
My back remembers your
Crush, the saunter-slink
As you crawl above me
Rest your weight, and
Sink into everything.
I dreamt of another -
A forbidden friend, we
Kissed with all the fires
Of romance, and were
Content in our cuddles,
Our naked faces grinning.
I woke up from these,
Turned over. My innerds
Knew what was meant -
What was impossible, both,
And took me out of bed, to
Throw up.
Author notes
Originally released on DeviantArt on January 11th, 2007.
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/46425631/
In a list
A contest entry
- Many Options..... Please look by teenagefailure.
375 points, ended January 31, 2007, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Many Options... Prewrites allowed by gothprincess7.
500 points, ended August 27, 2009, 82 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell Me How It Is! by Luna Darling.
505 points, ended April 2, 2007, 63 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Things just got a wee bit crazier... by Street Spirit.
580 points, ended March 11, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - la la la love! by j-ay rose.
535 points, ended March 8, 2007, 75 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lost Love (Girls Only) by Kurtis and Trista.
340 points, ended March 15, 2007, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell me about your addictions by Whispered Secrets.
375 points, ended April 11, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I encourage advanced critique. Thank you.
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Beautiful! It's such a sad poem, yet you write it so well. Your word choices work. Just one note: "innerds" is "innards". =)
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I liked this piece. The dream of the relationship you want with one, which sounded like complete happiness to be with that person... and then shocked back to reality when you woke up....not with the person you long for, but with the person you're actually with..at least thats how I took it. hmmm.
I loved the flow of the piece, especially the 2nd stanza, in which the words just seemed to melt together perfectly. great piece!
s
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Promise...sing
Interesting and personal approach to a topic often broached but this variation on a theme vehicles more 'gut feeling' in nerds (or should it be innards ?) than most.
The number of contests entered appears more a reflection on the state of mind of current contest holders than of that of the writer.
Hoping the effort 'thrown up' is not 'thrown away'
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I loved this piece ... although the reader doesn't get the full interpretation ... as long as you know what's going on that's all that matters ... it's really in depth and very pretty ... your words seem to fulfill the write very well ... interesting indeed ... I am sure I get what you are trying to say ... but maybe a little authors note wouldn't hurt ... Very well done ... keep writing
Much Luv
Sparkeh -
Hmmm, I liked it, I think it was a personal poem, where you revealed much to the reader. Definately an intersting read, nice work! The ending especiually was an intersting touch to conclude on
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I think the ending was very good...
What was impossible, both,
And took me out of bed, to
Throw up.
I don't understand the 'both' part of the stanza though...unless you mean that your innerds made you run to the bathroom and told you you were pregnant. Hmm...this was a very interesting write.
The reason I'm commenting instead of the person who held the contest is because this poem was put on "ADULT" and, her being 13, she couldn't read it.
I can't say I understand the second stanza but I thought that the poem was pretty good...
-HUGS X HEARTS REPLACEMENT- -
Creativity: 3/10
Concept: 3/10
Language: 3/10
Overall Effect: 2/10
Final Grading: 11/40 -
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Thank you for taking the time to view my piece, but I'm afraid your rating system, with no verbal explanation, does little to help me understand what did and didn't work. I welcome an open critique.
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I enjoyed this read, while our loves have many twists and turns, their will always be that one you want but just can't quite have, that dominates your thoughts and captures your mind. Interesting ending almost alluding to a drunken night before, or that you're pregnant. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and entering the contest.
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We sometimes want another, or dream of another when we are making "love" with someone else - is this fair, does it upset us - I am sure it does. Interesting way to look at this - not a very happy situation to be in.
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Really interesting write but oh so strong. Nicely written piece. I like the flow of it and the beat behind it was really nice too. Keep up the good work.
Love always,
Kristen ღ -
i loved the wordery in this. I thought it was really well writen and you put a lot of work into it. Good job on this one i liked it and keep up the good work!!
Lindsay
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This poem was very thought provoking. It took me places I hadn't expected to go when I clicked on it. It felt like a very original spin on a subject that has been written about many times over. I think you did a great job in creating a scene of erotic dream world....thanks for the tingle! peace!
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hmmmmm...well im not really to sure what i think about this poem. it was very interesting with a twist at the end. thanks for entering and good luck!
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i liked this and your way of writing
this makes me think of how upsetting life can be when we are living a lie and know it, deep down in our hearts or subconscious.
thanks for entering this and good luck
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Very Vivid
A lost love or loves we can't have? Excellent with the imagery and word use. Although the ending, sick from the loss of relations or That of pregnancy? Either way there are many oops as we seek our other half. This appears to be a deep personal pc. So don't let anybody take advantage and stay positive. He's out there somewhere, it just takes time. Good luck in the contest, You certainly would have my vote. Dill-
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a heartfelt work...
Humm...It is really a heartfelt write telling us the meaning of love and its pain through and through...The subject matter here have been taken in the scenes in detils where one can go through the truth of the life and the immages of the poetic treatment have also been stored quite beautituflly and that is the true strength of this work...The structure and the pace of this write is very srongly moving around the depth of this work...The impact of this poem is really very impressive and bringing its face over the muse of the readers..Indeed a touchy write is here...
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hi i thought your poem was good and the imagery was done well in this and i liked the way you worded it
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Very well written. This made feel like you felt when you were writing it. It adds onto the feelings I have. That probably doesn't make sense, but this was a good write.
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Interesting.
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A feeling of wanting and never being truly fulfilled? I feel my own connection to this piece for some reason, it is a fascinating write
Well done
Karen -
I know exactly what you mean sadly..I love my lover but sometimes I wish she knew me better, loved me more...even though our love life is great it sorta defines us, in a way that sickens me. But still i dream. Great write!
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very deep
thank you for sharing this very sad and deep write with us, please do not dwell on what might have been, when understanding the impossible,i hope that you find peace of mind and that all turns out as it should be if not how you would wish it to be
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i certianly didnt expect that ending! but i liked it, and i liked the emotions that you portrayed in this poem, and think that it works really well. it flows nicely and i can imagine this scenario, and i like the first stanza alot. nice job
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I hope it relieves old feelings as you write and helps you to go on in life. Very raw emotions. Vivid imagery and smooth flow. This is a very personal write and I like the truth of it. No we can't run, but we can hold our heads high and face it head on. Never be the victim, be the survivor
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Thank you so much for your kind words. Poetry has always served as a personal catharsis to me - there's something genuine that specific words, phrased together, can get across that perhaps nothing else in my life can. Surviving... ugh! It's good to hear from other survivors, though, so thanks again.
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Deep
This was a very deep write. I for some reason feel that it is speaking of a woman hiding in her mind to suppress the vile act of rape. I certainly hope that this is not the case.. and moreso that it is not you.
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Thank you for your comment. When I read it over, I understand your interpretation better.
Luckily, it was not rape in either case - merely unfilled relationships, dreams of them and what they were, what they will never be. I appreciate your kindness, though. Thank you.
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