Got a flip top pack of cigarettes in my pocket
Feeling somewhat cool
As you approach
Perfectly on time again
Got my old ripped jeans on
Too cool to fix
Hey, she’s on the run
Must be the other fools
Out of the front door I go
Arriving late
I open the door to an empty room
In my paisley shirt, I look so good
So good, no one can see
A mirror, come hither, stare
Feelin’ rather cool
Time to make her care
Got a flip top pack of cigarettes in my pocket
She’s on time again
Givin’ her the stare and feelin’ rather cool
As she walks away
I think it can be said
Her love is in my head
But perhaps someday
She may not walk away!
And so I keep a flip top pack of cigarettes in my pocket!
A contest entry
- Just flow and let yourself go. by Blueskywonder.
1200 points, ended February 9, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want Your Unawarded Pre-writes by Errant Panther.
455 points, ended February 11, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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An interesting piece but I feel the message was lost somewhere in what has the potential to be a great story.
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This is a wonderful piece of poetry, you manage to draw the reader in-to your world from the first line.
Well done and thankyou for entering my contest.Good luck.
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amazing
haha Apples And Oranges. As i read it i thought i was reading something by Syd.
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Haha, yeah Can you hear it? what a funny thing to do cause' i'm feeling very pink!
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Getting beyond "cute" (which is a word I myself would never use to describe it) I think there is a deeper layer to this poem that could easily be missed. Yes, the imagery is great and refreshing. But the message is what really kept me pondering the poem, long after I'd finished reading it. I think this is a good society piece. It's a very accurate depiction of how a young man thinks and reacts to a pretty girl. The cigarettes, the ripped jeans and paisley shirt, these can all be seen as confidence boosters. Why doesn't he just talk to her? Is she really going to care about him based on his looks, verses his personality?
Sometimes, the fantasy is more fulfilling than the reality. I think that can be applied to both the woman and the guy in the poem.
In your first stanza, you are writing as if TO "her"...
"Feeling somewhat cool
As you approach"
In the following stanzas, you write ABOUT "her". I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but normally I don't like shifts in viewpoint or tense within a poem. It does work in yours fairly well though, since the shift happens early in the poem.
Great job with this; I enjoyed it immensely.
Best wishes,
~J.
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Thanks, for a very insightful comment. Yeah the tense is intentional...I wanted it to feel much more personal, before she ulitmately rejects me...almost as if it's not quite written to her but That there is a mental closeness that exists....but when she walks away..that closeness goes with her. thanks again.
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this is pretty cool.
i like the whole mood.
and how it ends so hopeful but like there could be a hint of delusion.
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Wow, I like this! The mood you created was very cool. I don't even know how to describe it... it seems nonchalant almost.
Great poem!
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cute
I liked this, it was different, it flowed well. wonderful work!!
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Fun
I think this poem has kinda a fun feel to it, as much as I love poems that are depressing, and show the darker side of life, I like this poem because of the fun vibe to it, good job. -
Fun
I almost hate reviewing fun poems for artistic quality, it just seems so dry doing it.
Anyway, I enjoyed this, basing that opinion solely on the end, which was great. Other highlights were the empty room, which described more about the individual than the room, and the mirror which actually made me think of "Taxi Driver" with Robert DeNiro.
After reading some of the other comments, and your responses to them, I can't help but think that you have stumbled over some excellent metaphors, entirely by accident. But, it has been said, 90% of genius is luck.
Breakdown:
Image: 8.4/10
Emotion: 6.1/10
Rhyme or flow: 7/10
Cohesion: 9/10
Message: 8.9/10
Teen angst coefficent: 0.5
Overall: 8/10 - well done.
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a very well written poem, i like the twist at the end, and the last line finishes it of great. congrats on a great write!
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Interesting Sentiment
I like the tone of this poem. You are describing a somewhat emotional situation: The desire to be accepted by an attractive female. However, you are doing it without coming off as angsty. In fact, you almost sound accepting of the situation, and the fact you have deluded yourself into thinking she wants you. It is a unique approach and I enjoyed reading.
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A very good read and i like the flow. Being cool is interpreted in different ways by different people so maybe this woman wasn't impressed by the paisley shirt, and smoking is definately uncool these days. The last part adds a nice little twist to this. Well done.
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funny
haha i really like this. its kinda dorky not the poem just the person the poems about. with his cool pack of cigs and his paisley shirt. what a badass. the last couple of lines make you feel kinda sorry for him but its that kind of pity where your just like "what does that guy think he's doin?" and you just shake your head and sigh.ha great write
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Very snappy..if I must say...nice story hidden within this poem...could be a song...I like it ,Thanks for sharing
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Lol I don't smoke but hey this is funny for the others that do my best friend smokes
Anyway, the best of luck to you in the contest
Kari -
Personally I don't like it, it's not my style of poem, but for the way it was written was nice. I like the lyrical aspects of it, anyway.
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You have such an inventive style! Very unique and quite refreshing! There is such an amazing power in the imagery you have woven into this piece - so very surreal. I really enjoyed this... It made me stop and think. That is something that really makes for a fantastic read. To slow down, and enjoy something fresh and vivid.there is no doubt you are in control of your pen and know just where to take us. Great piece!
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She is on the run... this line means that the girl who i'm trying to impress with my cool cigs and all is turning away from me as i approach her... so i think to myself "oh man, it can't be me...it must be those other fools, cause i'm too cool, she has to want me!" And then, the last stanza is the realization that it's probably all in my head.
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This is cute and different to most poems, I like that factor about it. That you talk about love in a unique way. There is good imagery in this poem, such as the paisley shirt and the flip top pack of cigarettes, I like how you have used them as an icon throughout the poem. Though there are some bits which I find a bit confusing, such as: Hey, she’s on the run
Must be the other fools...what does that mean, must be the other fools? For now this poem stays but please get back to me!
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i just had to read this, the title's excellent.i wasn't disappointed either, it reminds me of a poem i wrote a while back, i too was smoking cigarettes, wearing a paisley shirt and posing in the mirror, yep, an enjoyable read, very well done,
kind regards,
floorboards.
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Tis is awesome Man, LOved the rhythym of this piece, Please tell me this is a song, cause if it aint it sure should be!!! OUtstanding piece of work Top o the charts mate!!!!!
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this write was so good, i could see you almost perfectly in it. i could see you standing there, in those riped jeans and paisly shirt, and i could see you looking into the mirror with that look you would giver her...it was great!!!
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This is a great write, I can imagine the pride of looking so cool, perhaps one day she won't walk away as she did in this piece, well done
Karen -
So lyrical! It's cute, despite the sad undertone of never quite reaching that goal.
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Hmm I'm not sure about this poem. II don't think I quite understand it. But either way it was a good read. Addict x
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Thanks for stopping by and commenting, the poem is rather simple, it's just about getting all done up in your finest getup to impress a girl that never seems to notice you.
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haha this poem is really sweet, and i love the images you write about. i love cool ripped jeans . this is a nice poem and maybe one day she wont walk away . good job on this poem and i like the story you tell, keep on writing
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You made me smile, I could almost see you at your coolest in that paisley shirt and the rip, too cool to fix. Nice one.
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