Every day is supposed to be a happy day.
Every day should shine with promise -
Every day wants to be special.
I'm staring at the tears on my jeans.
I'm staring at my fish, fighting antigravity -
I'm staring, blankly.
Seeking truth, I unearth the last, painful kiss.
Seeking peace, I ended up turning myself over,
Seeking a way to live without thinking.
Beautifully, I straighten my hair each morning;
Beautifully hoping for the right lover -
Beautifully gnashing my teeth.
I almost cried at dinner.
I almost cried to get over it;
I almost cried, with them looking.
Biting my lip, I try to keep smiling,
Biting to get happy in less than 5 minutes;
Biting the limit - I change slower than convenience.
I returned to my dark;
I sank into my depression, and
I did cry - for my every day.
Author notes
Originally released on DeviantArt on January 2nd, 2007.
Original: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/45840652/
For bakacoconut's contest: 2e.
Option 1 for Bleeding Glitter xX.
In a list
A contest entry
- Something For Everyone by bakacoconut.
450 points, ended January 27, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Melancholy by neitherherenorthere.
300 points, ended February 15, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sad Dark Depressing...... by Ntagatf.
400 points, ended February 23, 2007, 103 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre Write Contest by SensualWhispers.
615 points, ended March 15, 2007, 100 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Melancholy by Polaja.
700 points, ended March 17, 2007, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want to be able to feel it! by Wishing for HIM.
450 points, ended March 19, 2007, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - im baaack!!! by nobodys-girl.
500 points, ended April 8, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Want To Feeeelll The Emotion(prewrites allowed) any subject.. by dragontuba.
600 points, ended April 3, 2007, 135 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darkness Rhymes Too by Dark Whispers.
321 points, ended April 6, 2007, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me emotion by LaLaLie.
360 points, ended April 14, 2007, 116 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~It Doesn't Get Any Easier Than This~ by -Ink Artist-.
525 points, ended April 13, 2007, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I encourage advanced critique. Thank you.
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
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I am not a big fan of repetition unless it blends so well that you don't even notice it so for me... I got hung up on the lines here.
♥ Touchof1der -
Wow this is so beautiful and sad. I really enjoyed reading it and it had an excelent flow. Each part complimented the next and really pulled you into the emotion of the peice. This wa ver excelently writen. My favorite part was:
"Seeking truth, I unearth the last, painful kiss.
Seeking peace, I ended up turning myself over,
Seeking a way to live without thinking."
So amazing!!! Great writre and keep up the good work!
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heartbreaking and real clean too.
Your poem was heartbreaking and real, very clean too,
I didn't get the fish word though?
Your words tore into my flesh and in your darkest moments
I could hear my soul say to you, oh..you are alone, many
all around are feeling just like you..
how very brave of you to write this poem, many would
simply medicate or find another mate to replace the
dark empty places. Sometimes we really need to learn
and take the time to cry our lonliest of tears.
Then put them aside, and question ourselves why, and
be thankful for the experience,
for only dead people don't feel and cry.
Thankyou for the courage it took to write this poem.
ears2hearyou
Kathleen
don't cry.
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Thank you for your poetic words. The fish I was referring to was my pet fish at the time... he was slowly passing away then, which didn't do much for my happiness then. Dying + breakup = well damn, why wake up? Especially since that little guy was one of my favorite things in life... :/
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"I almost cried at dinner.
I almost cried to get over it;
I almost cried, with them looking."
oh how well i know this......i adore this piece. its so sad and so beautiful all at once. i love it!!
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Very Powerful poem. I see a lost person here. Don;t know if that was what you were going for but it really is a good write. Keep it up.
Poeticanjil -
This is pretty well done, though I think it could be better. I like the format, and the way you've done it but be careful of cliches. Also;
"Beautifully, I straighten my hair each morning;
Beautifully hoping for the right lover -
Beautifully gnashing my teeth."
Doesn't work that well and it feels contrived, perhaps work on that line. One weak link can ruin the poem. -
the title itself says it all and the beautiful inspiring words win my admiration to this one.
i love the flow and imagery behind this.. its magnificently written with deep view. Inshort i admire this piece of work, cos its a great one.. ..u did it amazingly, great job!!
I look forward to read more of your work and do take a look at mine too, u might like it..
Thanks, love,
Mansoor
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the title itself says it all and the beautiful inspiring words win my admiration to this one.
i love the flow and imagery behind this.. its magnificently written with deep view. Inshort i admire this piece of work, cos its a great one.. ..u did it amazingly, great job!!
I look forward to read more of your work and do take a look at mine too, u might like it..
Thanks, love,
Mansoor
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Good Story
Good sad story,I am sorry you are having tough times right now But look to God!say a prayer it will all be better1Lisa K haslett raytown Missouri! -
LOVE IT
Could swear I wrote this myself! And I see this baby has been around the world a few times. Grand poetic piece of royalty. swet
POETDONTKNOWIT -
this poem is so beautiful..
love it GREAT JOB -
oh wow. this was amazing. the repititon the tone everything. loved the last few lines. just wow
I returned to my dark;
I sank into my depression, and
I did cry - for my every day.
great job.
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Painfully sad and depressive write. Your emotions are brought to the page with a poignant introspection. Thanks for your entry!
~Lori -
wow, beautiful, i can relly relate. good luck and thanks for entering.
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this isn't as dark as I wanted and also and the rhyme schem needs a little work, If you take all these thing into consideration you could have a great poem.
Thanks for entering. -
wow....this you sad...me and my friend had a discussion kinda like this poem. basically like why go through every day if it's the same hurtfull stuff everyday...this is anawesome poem, good luck and thankyou so much for entering!
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geez. i like i like
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Hmm.
Well you don't need me to tell you how fantastic this poem is. Look at all those comments!!
I love the line :
I'm staring at my fish, fighting antigravity
Because fish are awesome.
Thank you for entering and Good Luck!! =] -
Awwww
Biting my lip, I try to keep smiling,
Biting to get happy in less than 5 minutes;
Biting the limit - I change slower than convenience.
I returned to my dark;
I sank into my depression, and
I did cry - for my every day.
Beautiful absolutely beautiful. Excellent write. Thank you so much for entering the contest and the best of luck to you. Kassie -
Great Write
wow..I can relate a lot to this...last year I lost a friend that HATES talking to me now...it's like whenever I see her she is calm, collected and distant and I won't lie I cried everyday for at least a year everyday for 365 days wondering what I did to make it what it was.
but through it all I realized something
Best Friends are forgiving and maybe she wasn't it
Great Write! -
Thank you for taking the time to enter this contest and the best of luck to you.
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Wonderful poem I am glad to have seen it on the list of rewarding I enjoyed it very much but I have a suggestion instead of putting 5 write the number out it makes the poem flow better. Good job nice write and good luck in the contest.
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This is a really thought-provoking poem. It's very deep and I think a lot of different people will have a lot of different meanings from it. I like the repition. It adds something to the poem. It's a very enjoyable write.
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weow, this gets deeper and deeper with all the great thought you have poured into this very powerful poem you have penned so greatly with awsome alliteration and right on the target rhyme and meter!!! Overall, a very very good write with this one!!!!
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I returned to my dark;
I sank into my depression, and
I did cry - for my every day.
It is a intriguing truly but if there is a kind confusion or dilemma then it is a painful journey as well..And this has been shown in this write..Every word stated in this work is relating to every story of life in this whole world...The sentiments are innocently stated here one by one and this is the honesty of the write here..A VERY TOUCHY WORK....
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I have recently started using repetetive lines in my poetry and I find this a great example of how it can really work when done right.
Much enjoyed
Shadows -
powerful
this was so thought out and so very well said. you worded everything so well. good job!
I almost cried at dinner.
I almost cried to get over it;
I almost cried, with them looking.
i love thoughs lines. well done.
♥♥
sam -
I like how all the lines in most stanzas but the last stanza, start with the same two words...
It's wonderful
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I liked the way your words changed my feelings and the thoughts they provoke. Filled with imagery vividly portraying deep expressive descriptive emotions and by bringing these dark emotions forward making more aware and perhaps gain a little more understanding...Thank you I stand in applause and wish you well with the contest
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Wish I could offer some critique...but it was well done. I like how you would state deep things like, "I almost cried, with them looking" (which is like my fav line) but then you also used simple lines to describe the mundaneness of what you were doing like about watching your fish. So your poem was very good all in all. I think you did a good job with the repetiveness of each word at the beginning of your stanzas. Very nice!
PoeticThunder*
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The only part of this that I can say I genuinely like is the last 3 lines, tho' clearly, without the preceeding effort they would not have been as impacting. I smiled wide at how you tied it together at the end. (I also enjoyed the "beautifully gnashing my teeth" contradiction, that was fun.)
You did give me an idea for a work.. maybe I'll play around with it a bit.
In any case, good luck in your future works. :-)
Victor Votes Verily:
Image: 6.5/10
Emotion: 7/10
Rhyme and flow: 6/10
Cohesion: 7.1/10
Message: 8/10
Teen angst coefficent: -0.5
Overall: 6.8/10 -
This was a very touching, and powerful piece that you've done here and one that so many people can relate to.
Kari -
This is a great pice, i love the line "Biting the limit - I change slower than convenience.
" it really makes sense if you give it some thought. good job. keep the ink flowing -
Impressive indeed!
I love this poem. And because I love it, I find it hard to try to take anything away from it by any critique, I find that you've laid emotions out on a page vividly. I especially like the lamenting about self attentiveness that isn't paying off. I have a similar poem to this that expresses that pain of lever getting your efforts noticed as well. Check out my "got a flip top pack of cigarrettes in my pocket." It's got a similar vibe. WEll done though, i'm impressed.
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Very well written, the form and flow of this emotes powerful strngth in your word but in your ability as a poetic craftsman, well done, i quite enjoyed this piece, nothing negative to comment on well done
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well written
This is a very cleverly weel written poem. The setup was very creative, and unique... the way you begin each line of each different sonnet with the same 3 words.. very good. Must have taken a lot of thought to come up with lines for them all. I read through this poem with anticipation, waiting to see which word you used next. I also had anticipation waiting to see the ending.
Your poem contains nice details, extensive vocabulary, and a good rythm, I did not even notice it lacked a rhyming scheme. I usually dont like poems that dont rhyme, therefore for me to not have noticed yours doesnt rhyme means you did a very good job getting my attention and keeping my thoughts in rythm.
very good job. -
I loved how you used repitition at the beginning of each line, and changed it with each stanza. That was extremely creative. I can relate to everything you wrote in the poem, as far as depression goes. Great write, as far as I'm concerned. Best of luck in the contest, and thanks for entering
Coconut
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Wow! This is a very well written poem, and thank you so much for entering my contest. I liked how you used the same word for the beginning of each line in the staza's. You have a lot of talent. Where'd you egt the idea for this poem? My poems aren't even close to how good yours is. Thanks again and take care!!
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Actually, most of my poetry is based on what I experience, really. I've had a rough time with a breakup, and now realizing that the depression I thought I conquered years ago never really left... :/
Anyway, on to happier things! I've been seriously writing for a few years now, and I love learning new words and reading the greats... I think that influences my form at times, or gives me ideas for new interpretations of old methods. Don't be so hard on yourself! If you wrote a bit every day, like I have, and read new things, I'm sure it'd help your poetry move along.
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