Awake, my commander! Fight your diffidence
to reasonable effort; grab thy princess.
Rolling are the days, life looks new
think about the morrow, learn a new view.
Love thy love; proceed true to thy heart
else leave the invaluable treasure here apart;
she loves you and has all her spotless love -
wants to injure none with her next move;
stands quiet with patience; will you skip and play
anymore from her way? Its a plea dont go away.
Poor soul, waits with dreams for you to disembark
in her heart as her king light her life that is dark;
this will not beget any fear; yes, her heart is thine,
cross the bars, run to her and proclaim Thou art mine!
Author notes
Option 1
A contest entry
- Friends Of Trekker Girl Group Only by piccola.
900 points, ended February 21, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
:)
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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OH! Quite a lovely poem that gives me a start!
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An adventure into the realm of love! A lovely poem that is filled with action and images.
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ah, simply amazing in essence, i enjoyed your rhyme scheme (im a softie for rhymes...) it owned all of mine, i also liked the way you ended it, quite lovely
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Very beautiful. I really enjoyed reading this. Great flow. I love the old english words you've used. Well done! Thank you for entering my contest and good luck to you
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Truely beautiful xxx
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Wow, this is a truly beautiful poem. Comes deeply from the soul. Good luck and thank you for entering.
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Beautiful write! I really like the language you used in this, almost Shakespearean. Loved the last line
"cross the bars, run to her and proclaim – Thou art mine!"
Best of luck and thank you for entering my contest
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OMGOODNESS~ That was so incredible, and it was beautiful, and it was creative. Emotions flowed strong and deep, so much so that the emotions flowed inside my own heart, and lifted me up, very high spirited, and wonderful....thank you so much for entering and good luck!
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Sensational
I loved this poem, your imagery for love is amazing, and I can feel your emotions so wonderfully conveyed in this piece. You have given this piece a strong base and it made me feel so excited and hopeful.
Thank you for entering and all the best in the contest.
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Oooooohhhhhhhhh, what wonderful images of love you have painted here with your words. Very emotional and filled with such beautiful strength. The strength that true love would have. I was hanging on each word as I floated through this piece. It was overflowing with imagery and left me feeling so alive with love. I could not even choose a favorite line as they were all so beautiful. Thank you ever so much for sharing this one with me and keep writing poet. seamaiden ♥
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Hi seamaiden
Glad you liked this little poem.
Thanks for stopping by this piece.
Lols
- Kiddy
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Beautiful. Simple as that.
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I LOVEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Nice!
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Very romantic, pictures medieval times
I like the old English
waiting to see more, good so far
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Marvelous
I thought of this as old world writing. The flow is smooth and refreshing. Waiting to have my heart hung on the air for love to touch. Great work. Thanks for the read
chiefmac
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Great use of language, this poem is a perfect example of old romance! Your grammar and spelling was great! You must have put a lot of thought into this and it [paid off, your work is fantastic, It was such a pleasure to read this. keep up the good work. I'd just love to read more. Your poem in an example of the work I love to read and write! Well done poet!
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'Poor soul, waits with dreams for you to disembark
in her heart as her king – light her life that is dark;
this will not beget any fear; yes, her heart is thine,
cross the bars, run to her and proclaim – Thou art mine!'
Wow! Excellent start, especially love that ^^, it's very intriguing and crafted perfectly. Can't wait to read the rest, let me know when finished.
It's very unique and such a relief to read something like this every once in a while. Thanks for sharing.
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Glad that you are still working on this poem, as it is such a lovely write. The love you speak of is portrayed with sincerity. It's a 'teeling' poem, it gives subtle advice, and there is some urging to assure that he will be her king. FransB
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Loved it!
Beautiful! I really love when poet's use "thee" and "thine" etc. I do it myself sometimes. ^_^ I've written about my king too, so I can really relate to this. I loved it, it has a simple and profound rhythm to it, almost like a caress. It is so gentle and loving, I think you did an excellent job with this piece! ^_^ I love the "Poor soul, waits with dreams for you to disembark" line... it just really struck me! We all want the knight in shining armor, and every once in a while... the dream comes true!
Thank you so much for sharing and keep up the good work! 
~Elizabeth~ -
This had great imagery and felt like it came right out of Camelot. Wonderfully written..Enjoyed it.
Soulful Woman
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Very nice
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I think you are doing a great job so far.Your message is clear and the feelings in this is easy to understand.Look forward to reading this when it is done.
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Wow, this is a great poem with imagry and I really like it, I think that you did a great job on writing this.
~Alix -
Your poem reminds me of the fairy tales I read as a child. It almost makes me feel like a kid again.
And I agree, he should do exactly that and run to his love. I love happy ever after as an ending. -
hi ms kiddy
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that is really good i really like the line,Love thy love; proceed true to thy heart
else leave the invaluable treasure here apart. have you entered any contests. would you mind looking at my poem "somebodys coming run and hide" and tell me what you think of it. -
I like the way you said and told this poem. It's a good poem with ryming and a lot of descriptive words. I like it!!!
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Thank you Meredith....
Happy that this little poem gave you a good read!
Lolz
Kiddy
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im not sure of this, i think it gets over confused with language that just over complicates this simple feeling. Its almost like a child who recites shakespeare and is as surprised as the teacher, chalk falling.
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Nice
Its a different approach to lovers -
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Thank you Kiddooo...
Welcome to AP... Happy that your first comment is on my poem....
Have a nice time arround....
Love
Kiddy
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very good.... I like it alot...its different than anything I've read in a while... very well done...
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Excellent
Will he heed your advice? Nicely written, has plenty of energy and I will say he is a fool if doesn't jump the bar right away. 'Disembark' is wrong word, though. Look up the dictionary. -
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Hi Pv...
IF this poem had been posted with the picture, the word 'disembark' would have given right meaning, i think...this following link has the same poem with picture...
http://bp1.blogger.com/_K9R01i4uWsU/RaiCJevSvEI/AAAAAAAAAAU/MyO996e_ywQ/s1600-h/ww.jpg
The addressee is a commander; this poor girl with loads of love is waiting on the seashore for the arrival of the ship ...
Waiting to know whether he will cross the bars soon...
Thank you Pv...i have to look up the dictionary...
-With love and care
-Kiddy
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read like a tumult, i found myself getting lost in this piece, knowing what your are trying to convey but with respect, it seems to me that it is a bit forced and crowded, which adds to my confusion, if this were to be stretched to shorter statements it might make for an easier read, well done though and a first rate effort, Not trying to offend, just one mans humble opinion
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Thank you Oldcoasty2...
Glad to receive your comment... it's useful too...Reader's opinion is what is wanted by the writer... As I have tried the form 'couplet' - I couldn't help writing longer sentences... Your comment is highly appreciated and it's freindly too....This poem hasn't been given a final touch yet... this is my first version...I look forward to get good suggestions like yours
Thanks again....
Love
Kiddy
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IMORTANT CONTEST UPDATE
Point distribution --
10 points - Picture
50 points - Feel
40 points - Spelling and Grammar
100 points - Style and Beauty
30 points - Following the rules
50 points - Inner meaning and expression
20 points - Presentation.
BONUS +25 - Good background
MINUS -25 - Late antries, Violation of rules
Luv,
Candy
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Wow
Very good, very good indeed.
This is also a brillaint poem, for certain reasons..
I did get confused halfway through with the rhyming, but besides that it was fine.
'wants not to injure any one with her next move;
stands silently with patience; will you skip and play
anymore from her way? It’s a plea – don’t go away.'
-This bit was brillaint, i enjoyed reading it, this is like the poem is a conversation, and it shows how alive the poem is, and you used some great words to show that, and on the whole, it was different for me, i really did like this.
Love the love; proceed true to your heart
or leave the invaluable treasure here apart;
-This sort of grabbed me a bit, it was a very good line, but i cant put my finger on why it grabbed me so much,
but throughout the poem youve used some great punctuation.
It was very good, well done
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Dear Kromus...
Glad you went deep into this poem. Your comment is deep and perceptive. This poem a kinda letter written by a Lady Love to her Lover who makes her wait for long time for good reasons. Think, the tone works out well....
I can't thank you enough for critiquing my little poem.
I just have made a try to bring this piece in a couplet form..that may be the reason why you couldn't find it easy with the rhyming...let me try one more digging in here friend...
Sincere thanks
and love
Kiddy
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this sounds so.... enchatting? there's something different and special about this one. I think you did a very nice job as you develop the poem slowly to the last line "run to her and say - You are mine!"
You did a very nice job. I do think it's rather wordy here and there, but other than that, it is apleasure to read. I really enjoyed it.
best wishes,
AlbaSoul
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Thank you Albasoul....
You have decoded the tone of this poem rightly. Last line of the poem is the bone around which the rest is given life... Thanks for reading and giving such a generous comment.
Love and Care
Kiddy
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Beautiful
A wonderful tribute to your King, may the skies be kind, so you enjoy what love brings....I loved the lines, "Poor soul, waits with dreams for you to disembark
in her heart as her king – light her life that is dark;" You heart is pure, and the world knows it
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Ian..You are Mirroring nothing....
...but my mind!
Your favorite lines the real essence of this poem..glad that you are able to read my mind very well...
Thanks again.
Love
Kiddy
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