If I sealed my heart off,
How long could I stay
Cold and numb to you
Before I withered away?
And I can feel your venom
It's tainted my veins
When it reaches my heart,
Will I enjoy the pain?
There lies my goodbye letter
My tears smudged the ink
I thought if I kept on writing
I would not have to think
Thinking always leads me
To memories of you
They bring back my worries,
My old fears like new
That you'll be so scared for me,
You'll never have flown
I would die within me
But you'll never know
Because my heart is sealed off
And if we stay this way,
Then it can't be too long
Before I wither away.
Author notes
option 8 and, I guess, in a way, 3
A contest entry
- The Six by MaddHattress.
550 points, ended October 10, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wicked! by Luthien Luinwe.
500 points, ended November 14, 2007, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Even if the love is gone, the heartbreak is always there... by WhenWillsCollide.
1063 points, ended November 9, 2007, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - THE BEST YOU CAN DO! please enter... :) by LilMrsAttitude.
1600 points, ended March 30, 2008, 66 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Does the wording fall apart by the third stanza
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Enjoyable
The first two stanzas are my favorite, along with the last. The others still get your point across, but they flow less smoothly. -
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I understand
The middle stanzas do stagger, but I'm glad that at least three maintained flow.
Thank you.
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wow
this piece is really great
theres not much I can say here...
its too good
thanks for the entry!
and good luck [altho u dnt need it] -
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*ultraglomp*
I'm usually not the glomping sort, but this is my first trophy that's not honorable mention. I'm so glad you liked it this much; I didn't expect to get any placement since it wasn't written about Elphaba herself. Oh, wow. Thank you.
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It's beautiful! Wonderful imagery. So sad....but in the true spirit and tragedy of Elphaba. Thanks for entering!
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No Problem
Thank you; I actually wrote this while reading the book, and I didn't think anyone would make the connection. I'm so glad that you held this contest, because if you hadn't, no one would have ever known.
It makes me happy beyond reason that you feel it's written in the true spirit of Elphaba. Thank you!!
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Absolutely beautiful flow and it's so viciously sad! I love the romance in this; it's what I was looking for with this picture. Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest!
~ Madd
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Wow, I Never Noticed That You Commented >.
"Viciously sad" . . . I like that. I'm happy to have written a poem described that way. I never was good at the whole gooey romance thing.
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Good poem! To answer your question, I think the third stanza may need a slight change to make it flow better. Try changing "Because my heart is sealed off" to "For my heart has been sealed off" I think that may help.
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I Almost Forgot To Comment
Thank you for the suggestion. I won't listen, partly because I'm feeling lazy and partly because I think "has been" would stutter more than "Because." I hope you're not offended. -
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I'm not much of one to be offended. I don't take things personally.
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I like it. I like it a lot. I'm currently feeling really awful, but this piece completely expresses my pain and makes me feel a lot better. This is a really good piece and I commend you!
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I'm Glad
I'm so happy that my expression helped ease your pain. It makes me glad that I wrote it. ~'v I hope that whatever unease that remains is soon abolished. The best of luck.
By the way . . . love your face.
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Oh my...
You expressed exactly how I felt right after my divorce...and you did it so well.
Your poetry kept me enthralled from beginning to end. Sometimes...I find myself getting bored with a poem and not being able to even make through the whole thing...even when it's my own poetry at times...it's weird.
But yours? Excellent...
xo
Heidi -
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What kind words
I can truly feel your sentiment and sincerity. I work in a law office, so I know how difficult divorces get at best. I am so sorry.
I am glad it kept your interest. I thought perhaps the fairly slow rhythm would not attract many, but I'm so glad it touched you so.
Thank you, truly.
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The lines
"Thinking always leads me
To memories of you"
hit me particularly hard.
You could try using commas to make a few pauses between lines, and also maybe splitting it up into stanzas.
Good job, liked the word choice and imagery, "My tears smudged the ink".
Keep it up! -
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Thanks
I really appreciate that your comment was constructive. So many times, people will comment and give me nothing to improve on. Thank you for the suggestions, I'll take them to heart.
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I really enjoyed this one and the powerful emotions present here.
My favorite parts were:
If I sealed my heart off
How long could I stay
Cold and numb to you
Before I withered away
I can feel your venom
It's tainted my veins
and
Thinking always leads me
To memories of you
I can relate to both of those sections deeply. I too often seal off my heart regretfully to avoid getting hurt further, so whenever you mentioned that in this poem, it really touched me deeply.
And your imagery was fabulous too.
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^.^
Wow, I wrote this so long ago. I feel old. _-_ Anyway, I'm glad to hear I wrote something you can relate to. Your comment really made my day; Thanks, I needed it.
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wow
this is such as amazing poem.. i really feel like i can relate, and probably everyone can in one way. as other people have said, it has a really nice flow and i love how it all connects. i like the analogy you make in the lines:
"I can feel your venom
It's tainted my veins
When it reaches my heart
Will I enjoy the pain"
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Thank you
I'm glad you can relate; I've found that most people have done this to themselves. When I wrote this, I thought I was the only one. We all have much to learn . . . anyway, yes, ironies make me laugh the hardest, and this was the most ironic of all. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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nice
I enjoyed this one Lady Kiun. It was a bit choppy at parts but definitely good rhyme and flow. I really liked it! Nice tying in the beginning with the end.
PoeticThunder* -
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I can't believe it
>.< I didn't realize until now that I never replied. I'm so sorry. I get like this. Forgive me.
Yeah, I get choppy, like I get forgetful. I'm just glad you liked the overall product.
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oh wow i really really liked this. the flow... the feeling. the hurt ..i could really relate to this piece. its not ur worst at all... great great job.
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Firstly, I'm sorry
I just scrolled to the bottom of one of my favorites and found a bunch of comments I never replied to. Yours was one of them.
In any case, I'm glad you didn't think this was my worst.
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Excellent
this has a nice flow to it and full of emotion and you were able to keep me reading which doesn't happen often it is a well rounded poem good job i now plan to read more of your work if u can write like this.
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If I sealed my heart off
How long could I stay
Cold and numb to you
i loved that one...
you can never stay forever cold and numb to the one you really love...
loved it
and yes its well penned
thank you for sharing
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