the First Time She Left Me

Oh here they come...those with dominion over me
the many...and some don't even know my name
My mother who proudly owned me, gone...and lost with her the
gravity that held my soul to earth. I now float aimlessly in time

Smiling down at me, with incompetent smiles
and with words of comfort, drawn from a shallow pool
words to smooth the sharp edges of my pain
Lies in all but the truth in them

Don't cry you have to be brave
She's gone to a better place
She's in heaven watching you
She loved you very much
...and then they go home

My silence worked, no shouted accusations, no anger at me
If they only knew the guilt I feel...these smiling fools
would punish me without a trial. I do what I'm told
I'm no better than a lamb...I have no more power than a lamb

Drowning in fear, I make a secret of my feelings, a secret even from myself
Memories of her are lost, dripping from a punctured mind and then the rest of me
and I become an empty shell...quiet and stupid and in the shadow
To be refilled in secret...round the back of something

Filled on top of a remembered fear and an unremembered secret
and somehow knowing I had caused all this
that I wasn't good enough or did something wrong...again
But it doesn't matter why...I just want the red raw emptiness gone

But time shows no mercy and doesn't change its mind
In that damaged shell the viral secret lives, it strives for life
and vents its rage through grief and loss, re-lived with passing friends
while scanning with an adult eye for information lost