I want to be the place
people end up
when something goes wretched:
a plane crash, a shipwreck--
mothers wail on the evening news
what a good boy he was,
Not an oasis, not a stopover, but
an island, moated and reefed and
inevitable.
I want no fortuitous mutineers--
no SOS spelled out in chunks of
native bedrock chipped with furtive oyster shells.
Robinson makes a palatable
life for himself so long as he despairs
of rescue.
I want to be a lump of dirt
ten thousand miles from civility,
awash in the desert of ocean.
I want to be inescapable.
Author notes
WIP - Version numbers denote a work still v. much in progress, and whose lines, words, enjambments, and titles are still up in the air. Please ignore [v.X.Y] as a part of the title.
Any and all critical feedback will be slathered in gold and worshiped.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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great strong intro. The version # in the title confused me, especially .4, is it really a revision, or just a part of the title?
I was wishing for more specifics in the beginning. make it a specific island/place/person/plane crash? I dunno, I always have trouble taking my own advice too
nice oasis line. "above..." stanza felt like a flowery aside, somehow detached from the rest of the poem
what does "I want to be inevitable" mean? You want people to need to visit you? You are an island? A destiny?
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I think you're right about the "above" stanza. It does read a bit fluffy in comparison to the rather stark and frank language of the rest of the piece. And it seems there's a consensus on the ending being weaker, so I'll tweak that as well. I thank you for your kind words, but more particularly for your wonderful criticism.
(As an aside, the version number is a thing I stole for when a piece is still in progress. When I get happy enough with it, the numbers come out and the piece is abandoned. I'll add an author note to explain that, because you're right: it is unclear.)
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Good form
" Above the roil of dancing sea" stuters on the tounge abit, maybe "a sea or the sea". Though thats just an opinion. I like the ending, though it does feel premature, and doesnt match the strenght of the rest of the peice when read, however when I saw you read it, it did. So this may be my inabilty to read properly.
I still like this peice. Very much your style and undiniably sharp.
Well Done
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Or it might be that I read it differently than it lays on the page. If that's the case, I need to tweak at it until the two match. [shrug] I'll poke at it with the pokey stick and we'll see what badgers emerge. Thank you for your help with this. =) Hope the barbecue went well today.
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Criptical
Very much readable, comnprehensible poem. I do find it easy to understand though I don't think theend does justice to the rest you wrote. The I want to be inevitable (death?) seems weakly worded in comparison to the rest. I do think you should work a bit more on that.
I like the rythm and wording though "horribly wrong", "burning fervor" and "pleasantly enough" are cliches that steal power from your well-worded writing.
A remarkable poem, indeed. -
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I'll take those phrases apart and see if I can't put them together a little better. Thanks for your critique! I am most exceedingly obliged.
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I'm afraid that i don't quite understand what you're trying to say, except that you want to be inevitable, and not be there because someone planned it for you.but the vocabulary is definitely great and with good poetry, you don't have to understand the meaning to enjoy it, it just feels good.
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I would hope that I could make myself understood, though you weren't the only who did not. I will see if I can't make the meaning a little clearer, though there are certain sacrifices I won't make. I do think meaning is important to poetry: otherwise, what's the point?
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I'm sorry I can't give any critical feedback because I do not understand the meaning of the poem.
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For that, I am sorry.
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